European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - January 26, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns exploding cows tomorrow s instrument of terror by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers we do not wish to create a panic but we Are advising those of you who live in the Midwest to evacuate the area immediately. For your own safety you should stay away until we can get to the Bottom of this matter concerning the exploding cow. We found out about this thanks to Alert Reader Dale Clemens m.d., who sent us a very troubling article from the Sun. This is the same publication that broke the Story three years ago about the rampage of the giant Vampire fleas which were mutant fleas capable of sucking All the blood from Small dogs in minutes and jumping 50 feet straight up As the Sun put it without warning but As alarmed As we were by that article we were even More alarmed by this new one which is headlined cow explodes horrified Farmer  the Story concerns a new zealand Farmer who purchased a cow which he and his family were admiring when suddenly without warning we bet the cow exploded right before their very eyes spattering into a million bits of flesh and Bone and drenching them All in cow blood. Now for most of us when we hear of a shocking tragedy of this nature our natural reaction is extreme sorrow that we were not Able to observe it firsthand while wearing goggles. We estimate that just from our immediate Circle of friends we could fill a municipal stadium with people willing to pay $50 apiece to see a cow spontaneously explode. But apparently this family prefers a cow that engages in More traditional cow behaviour such As standing around chewing cud and exhibiting the intelligence of coleslaw because the Farmer is suing the breeder for Selling him a defective cow. The article quotes a local veterinarian As saying that cows produce up to three quarts of Gas per minute. If a cow can t burp the veterinarian says its stomach can explode within the hour. This is exactly the kind of Story the founding fathers had in mind when they put the clause in the Constitution stating that the press has the right to run up enormous Long distance Telephone charges. So we called up new zealand which is in the Mars time zone but we were unable to locate any of the people named in the exploding cow Story. We were actually starting to wonder if the Story in the Sun was untrue when suddenly without warning an Alert Reader named Donald Mcewan sent us a frightening cow related news item from the Washington Post. The Post Story stated that we Are not making any of this up a Colorado state University animal nutrition professor named Donald Johnson has been studying cow flatulence for 20 years and has determined that the average cow emits 200 to 400 quarts of methane per Day resulting in a total annual world cow methane output of 50 million metric tons. Campers this is yet another argument for never allowing a cow inside your sleeping bag so of course we called professor Johnson who seemed remarkably Normal considering his chosen Field and we asked him whether cows can explode. I be never heard of it he said. It s rather unlikely that a cow would actually explode although there is considerable methane Gas and in some cases it could be present in concentrations that could  in fact professor Johnson revealed that on More than one occasion in College classrooms he has used a Candle to set fire to emissions being emitted by live cows one of whom was even Able to sustain the flame without the Candle ask yourself this question what if such a cow were to fall into the wrong hands picture this you re on a seemingly routine commercial airline flight rummaging around your breakfast tray in search of an implement Sharp enough to penetrate your Melet when suddenly without warning from Back in the smoking Section you hear Sharp cries of look out and of my god he s got a cow you whirl around and there in the aisle stands a terrorist. In one hand he holds a Bic lighter. In the other he holds a fuse which is attached to professor Johnson s High output cow which by the Way would not be detected by any Airport Metal Detector currently in use anywhere in the world. In the next instant the entire Cabin is filled with the chilling unmistakable sound of. The death Moo. What can we do to prevent this chilling scenario from becoming a reality or even worse a  for television docudrama clearly what is called for is a Federal task Force ideally headed by Dan Quayle who seems to have a lot of spare time assuming that he is not called upon to suddenly without warning become president of the United states. We urge you to write a letter about this to your congressperson bearing in mind that if he is an average adult he produces according to the Washington Post about one liter of methane per Day. Common sense wedding traditions suggested by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners As a divorce attorney it seems to me that often it is the couples who were most lavishly and ostentatiously married who Are most Likely to get divorced. This seems particularly True when the parents foot the wedding Bill for the children. Indeed i suspect a Strong connection those children who demand expensive weddings from others Are least Likely to have the level of responsibility and maturity needed for a successful marriage. I suggest a new set of wedding traditions 1. Couples will pay for their own weddings. If they cannot afford that they certainly cannot afford a Home children and the other usual accoutrements of marriage. Perhaps they should wait As we did in the old Days until they Are better established. 2. The wedding will be paid for out of current income or assets. No one will borrow one cent to put on a wedding. If that Means a Small ceremony followed by luncheon at Home rather than the dinner dance of the Century so be it. 3. No one else will be asked or expected to contribute to the pageant. It will not be some Friend s relative s expected responsibility to provide a Shower wedding breakfast rehearsal dinner Etc. 4. No one will Wear anything that they can t Wear again. This Means no rented Penguin suits for the men no outrageously expensive purple bridesmaids dresses with the dyed to match Peau de some pumps no $400 Flower girl dress for a 5-year-old who is immediately going to spill Orange juice on it. 5. The wedding party minister and guests will be allowed to do whatever they Are supposed to do within the ceremony and then to enjoy whatever Celebration May follow without being constantly stopped posed and required to smile for one or More cameras so that the pageant of the Century can be recorded. Statistically half of these photographs Are going to wind up on the cutting room floor anyway when the two Young stars divorce. 6. The ceremony itself will be Short and simple and will merely wed the parties. Weddings Are not an appropriate place to proselytize for one s religion lecture the bridal couple or assembled guests on the duties of a Good jewish husband or Christian wife or provide family members with a captive audience for their musical talents. 7. Soft drinks will be served and what would otherwise have been spent on the liquor Bill will be used for a Down payment on the House. 8. Guests will refrain from sexual innuendoes and from comments about a Bride s known or suspected pregnancy. That kind of ill disguised envy and malice or simple Boorish Ness is grounds for immediate expulsion of the offender. 9. Brides will accept and acknowledge each gift with graciousness and gratitude. They will recognize that for a variety of reasons not All gifts will be new or returnable and they will never ask for a sales slip or suggest that they will Exchange any gift unless the giver makes the offer. One of a kind items such As handmade gifts or artwork or heirlooms will simply have to be stored in the Hope that one s children May like them guests conversely will recognize that their Choice of gift May Well be a duplicate or maybe the wrong color or May simply not be to the taste of the bridal couple and they will where possible say i got this at so and so s and will help you to return it if it does t fit in with you decorating  10. Finally close it Down no later than 10 . The old folks will appreciate it the Young folks who want to carouse will go elsewhere to do so and the newlyweds can Start their honeymoon fresh and sober. Gentle Reader miss manners has a question for you what Are you patterns she would like to Send you 12 place settings in China Silver and Crystal. You can return them if you like she Only wants to show her overwhelming gratitude. Dear miss manners several couples gather frequently for socialization and Bridge. Recently one couple arranged to go out of town for an extended period. After their departure a gathering was planned for a Date during their absence and invitations were sent out. They returned Early unbeknownst to the hostess and were quite Hurt at having been excluded from the party. Should the hostess have issued an invitation after they had left knowing that they probably would not have been Able to respond or attend gentle Reader Only for major events does one Issue invitations without trying to guess whether the recipient will be Able to make it. Weddings qualify Bridge parties do not. Miss manners suggests you ask these people Why they were so heartless As to exclude the rest of the group from their out of town excursion. Dear miss manners i am a professor and i believe students and teachers As Well As Bosses and employees should Greet each other with Good  however is it the student s or the employee s place to ask in addition How Are you today i would not ask that question of someone who is my Superior in rank. To me it seems it is the place of the one on top to ask that. Gentle Reader Good morning to you. How Are you today miss manners trusts that she has  the Point that she agrees with you about rank. She Hopes that you also recognize the obligation of rank to treat graciously the misappropriation of privilege when it is obviously Well motivated and she can hardly think of an instance in which How Are you could be ill motivated. January 26, 1989 stripes Magazine