European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - February 23, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns observations of a valued customer of the irs by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers that Wacky internal Revenue service i be just been Reading my official irs tax instruction Booklet that might As Well be written in swahili and it starts out with a hilarious letter from irs commissioner Lawrence b. Gibbs. Commissioner Gibbs gets the chortle flowing in the second paragraph by referring to us taxpayers As i am not making this up valued  a a customers. As if we could take our business elsewhere As if we could drop the irs a Brief note explaining that this year rather than contribute to the defense of Western Europe we be decided to buy a hot tub such a card you Are or. Commissioner but the highlight of the letter comes at the end where the commissioner reveals this year s official irs levity concept. Working together with you he writes i believe we jointly can find ways to make taxes less taxing for All of  get it make taxes less taxing who epee wait a minute. I note that some of you valued irs customers out there Are not laughing. Please be advised that Section 94409-6938bigfun064.340 b ret of the tax code As interpreted by the division of humor enforcement requires taxpayers to quake with unfeigned mirth for not less than 7.4 seconds excluding single couples filing jointly whenever an irs official makes a play on words in an attempt to simulate being a regular human. Thank you. But enough of this hilarity. April 15, which this year Falls on april 1 7, is fast approaching and like most taxpayers you probably have fallen into the unfortunate habit of waiting until the last possible minute to file your return. But think for a moment How you d feel if you got out All your records today and just sat Down and finished your darned taxes. And then tomorrow we had a global thermonuclear War. You d feel like a Moron. All the other taxpayers in the bomb shelter would laugh at you until their Gums bled because they d know that in the event of a global thermonuclear War the irs Grants everyone an automatic three Day filing Extension. So the last possible minute is definitely the Way to go. Meanwhile however you should Brush up on the tax regulations. To help you the irs customer servicing division motto we know you Are lying has provided the following list of common questions presented in the popular q & a format q. Hit me again now take the Waffle Iron and. Whoops my mistake that was the popular s & m format. Sorry Here we go q. I am a male head of household with four dependents and sometimes after i eat italian food my stomach makes a noise that sounds like Coorg. Do i need to report this to the irs a. No. We already know about it. We also know about the Little game of or. Smith rides a Pony that you like to play in the Shower. Q. Hey How did you find out about. A. Helehe Heleh q. I have a Telephone in my car because i am a successful Businessperson and consequently i need a Telephone in my car since i frequently have occasion to make or receive Telephone Calls while driving my car. My question is what Are the tax implications of a person such As myself by which i mean a successful Businessperson having a Telephone in his car which incidentally i do a. You must pay the recently enacted and highly popular car Telephone tax of $1 75,000, plus a penalty of $500 for every time you contrive to inform people that you re calling them from your car when this fact is no More relevant than whether or not you have underarm stains which our records indicate that you do. This Money will be placed in a special fund to develop reinforced bumpers that will enable other motorists to ram into you from behind when you fail to notice that the Light has turned Green because you re too Busy making reservations for tax deductible restaurant meals. Q. What does the a stand for in Lawrence b. Gibbs a. Booger head. Q. Will you audit the person who wrote this column a. No. Well probably just Send the clogs. Keep setting example for impolite co workers by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i recently accepted a Job that offers reasonable pay and ample Opportunity for growth and new challenges. During the interview i informed my prospective employers that i was simply put a Nice person congenial agreeable not prone to losing my temper. I got the Job. My new co workers Are just the opposite. It is a Small company and never have i experienced such backbiting and sarcasm. They unabashedly thrash those who Are absent while those present Are subjected to thinly veiled sarcasm. These people have never heard of politeness. Still i continue smiling and offering a reciprocated Good mornings and thank yous to the Point where they sound hollow and insincere. I am not a persnickety person nor do i require an atmosphere of excessive formality. I simply find it very hard to do my Job while constantly ducking flying daggers and looking Over my shoulders. Do i change jobs attempt somehow to ameliorate the situation or continue smiling and ducking the profession i am in is fast paced tension filled and highly competitive As you Well know because you re in the same one. Gentle Reader you give etiquette advice surely you cannot mean that you have found miss manners dear colleagues on the greater etiquette Council to be of you mean that you Are a journalist. People Are not being Nice to one another in the newsroom is that it journalists Are miss manners dear colleagues too and she has often been called upon to defend them against charges of rudeness. Of perhaps curiosity about the doings of others might run a bit higher among them than one would tolerate among the neighbors and there might be a style of sporty roughness that you would not want your children to pick up. But miss manners promises you that journalists Are Good at heart and merely need a bit of kindness to bring out their natural Benevolence. It sounds As if you have been supplying this. Miss manners begs you not be discouraged from continuing to do so. She humbly offers herself As evidence that life in a newsroom need not have a damaging effect upon the spirits or the manners. Dear miss manners As a professional musician a concert performer i still feel awkward after Many years about announcing performances to people i know hoping that they will attend. I must inform them that ticket Purchase is required tickets Are sold and of course i receive a fee. While most of the people who claim interest Don t expect me to provide complimentary tickets there Are others who do. Their patronage is needed but i Don t want to intimidate them. If i bought tickets for them it would be an expense i could ill afford. I be been told that in the Case of More celebrated performers than me their friends do buy tickets to hear them. At any concert a Good part of the audience consists of the performers friends i know but if most of them Don t pay their Way such events can t continue. Gentle Reader miss manners can easily imagine a double misunderstanding Here which you can Clear up by the socially useful posture of seeming somewhat confused yourself. The first difficulty probably arises because you make your notification of the concert sound like a social invitation it s on the fifth at 8 o clock i do Hope you can  understandably you do not want to be too blatant a salesperson for fear of pressuring your friends unduly but this encourages them to believe that they will be your guests. Second people often imagine that the Candy store owner gets the Candy free that performers can give away As Many tickets As they like. The solution is to be enthusiastic about the concert while vague to the Point of uselessness about the arrangements. Ill be playing on the fifth but i forget the details. Let me get them to Send you a  or the Hall is handling everything it s All totally out of my  thus you can acquire an advantageous reputation As an artist who cannot be bothered with commercial concerns. Not Only does this add a certain Glamour but it leaves your friends with the vague feeling that you would have treated them if Only you weren t so hopelessly stupid about Money. Dear miss manners i am 16 years old and have a baby sitting Job for a family with two children. I m often there until Midnight. They Don t pay much but i never specified what i wanted. Is it the custom to pay More for later hours if so what would be a tactful Way of asking them to do so i Don t want to sound greedy. Gentle Reader no but you want to sound Businesslike. It is by no Means the same thing. The Businesslike thing to do is to fix a reasonable fee and state it unapologetic ally with the Assumption that fair minded people expect to pay the going rate including if you wish somewhat higher rates for late hours but cannot be expected to guess what it is. This is easier to do when beginning a Job but you can certainly Tell this family i m going to be charging whatever an hour now. I Hope you think me Worth it. I m very fond of the children and i be tried to do my  have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can answer questions Only in her column. February 23, 1989 stripes Magazine