European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 01, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columnists need a new Kitchen buy a Motorboat instead by Dave Barry Knight rid Dor newspapers the reason we decided to buy a Motorboat is simple we desperately needed a new Kitchen. Our current Kitchen has a lot of problems such As a built in colonial Era microwave oven that we think might not be totally Safe because it can Cook food that is sitting As far As 15 feet away. We had spent several months striding around our current Kitchen making sweeping gestures and saying things like Well move the sink Over there what a pair of goobers we were. As you experienced Home renovators know it s easier to construct a major suspension Bridge than to move a residential Kitchen sink. Thousands of homeowners who bravely embarked on sink relocating projects during the Eisenhower administration Are still washing their dinner dishes in the Bathtub. My wife and i kept running into people like that people with plaster dust in their hair and hollow eyes from spending their wretched nights sleeping in the garage and their Bleak Days waiting desperately for workmen who inevitably made things worse. We have no Telephone or electricity or water they would say and on monday a Man is supposed to come and take out All the  this was discouraging but we really needed a new Kitchen. Finally we agreed if we Don t do it now we re never going to do it. So we decided to bite the Bullet and buy a new Motorboat. Hey we reasoned if we have a Motorboat Well have family outings where we can experience togetherness and possibly crash into a reef and sink and then it won t matter about our  but reefs were not our immediate problem. Our immediate problem was something much worse a daunting nautical Challenge that has tested the courage of mariners since ancient times namely backing the boat into the Carport. The trick to remember Here is if you turn your car wheels to the right starboard the boat trailer will actually go to the left forecastle until your wife Beth announces that you ran Over a sprinkler head "$12.95" on the Lawn. Using this procedure i was Able to get the boat into the Carport in no More time than it took for Magellan to reach Guam. We kept the boat moored in the Carport for several weeks after which we decided Call us bold adventurers to try it on actual water. We met at the Marina with our salesperson Dale who showed us How to launch the boat a terrifying procedure wherein i had to Back the trailer Down a scary ramp right into the Bay. I have since Learned that Here in Miami amusement seekers will come to the Marina on weekends set up folding chairs and spend a highly entertaining Day watching boat owners perform comical Maneu vers such As forgetting to set their parking brakes and having their cars Roll Down the ramp and disappear burbling gaily below the surface. Also in the generous nautical tradition of rendering assistance to those in need Miami boat owners sometimes this is All True gel into gunfights Over whose turn it is to use the ramp. Fortunately we had Dale with us so we had no trouble getting out on the water where he Laught me the basics of seamanship. Here s How it went Dale of. You see that Shoal Over there me no. Dale of. You see that Marker Over there me no. Dale do you want to take the wheel awhile me no. Finally when i was fully confident that if necessary i could take the boat out myself and get everyone killed we returned Home to spend a Carefree evening washing our Hull. You have to do this because it turns out that gel ready for a fascinating nautical fact sea water is very bad for boats. I m serious. Ask any boat owner. It seems that sea water contains Large quantities of barnacles and corrosion which will rapidly turn your boat into a giant piece of maritime Swiss cheese. So while i was scrubbing my Hull i had this blinding insight the smart thing to do clearly is to never put the boat into he water. I shared this insight with some other boat owners and they All agreed that definitely putting your boat into the water is asking for serious trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways Long enough to be registered historical landmarks. A group of us boat owners were discussing this one evening at a party featuring Beer which is How we decided to hold a driveway regatta. Really i have the whole thing on videotape. We had it on our driveway and we had four boats on trailers secured via anchors in the Lawn Trees Elc. The judges awarded first prize to a dentist named Olin whose boat not Only contained Golf clubs and a croquet set but also had a spider web containing a certified spider that had apparently died of old age. It was a Fine afternoon and nobody got seasick and we even try this at sea had pizza delivered. I would have cooked for our guests but we1 really need a new Kitchen. Bank s Call was t really about personal matter by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i just received a Call from a representative of the Bank where my husband and i have a joint checking account. The woman asked for my husband. Since he was not Home i asked if i could take a message. She told me that the matter was  i replied thai he is my husband and asked her to Tell me what the Call was about. She said no. I asked if the Call was regarding Bank business. We have no other business with the Bank besides our checking account she told me she had called to discuss with my husband the opening of a savings account. To that i said Fine and we Hung up. Now i feel bewildered. Why would she Call to speak specifically with my husband and Tell me it was a personal matter am i out of line in asking what personal could mean please help me because i Don t know what to think. Gentle Reader rarely does miss manners have such an Opportunity to relieve a person s mind by explaining a somewhat common misuse of etiquette As she will now do for you. She supposes that you Are imagining that the lady does indeed have personal business with your husband that she wants to conceal from you and has used her identification with the Bank As a cover. Miss manners very much doubts this to be the Case. More common than private deceit nowadays is the false use of terms of Friendship in order to do business. Consider How Many strangers have been so Forward As to address you by your first name during commercial transactions for example. The most Likely explanation is that the caller was working mindlessly from a list of names and had been told to talk Only to those people directly. By personal she meant that she wanted to talk to him in person Vul to speak. Dear miss manners i am a single professional woman and when i entertain i usually spend a Long hard Day getting everything ready including a meal that can be served Buffet style so i am free to spend time with my guests. By the afternoon i am exhausted and try to get in a Quick Nap so i am fresh for the party. About the time i lie Down the phone starts ringing with the regret Telephone Calls. This pattern is unchanged whether i have specified . On the invitation or not. Invited friends will Call As late As 30 minutes before the planned party to cancel. The fact that my much needed Nap is disturbed is bad enough i have an answering machine but think it is very rude to leave a ringing phone unanswered when i am Home but that i am Given so Little warning by those who will not be coming is what steams me so much that i really can t rest. For the last party i invited 20 people and estimated that about 16 would come. I had six regrets in the last three hours and ended up with a party of eight. As a hostess i give up unless you have suggestions for avoiding this recurring problem. Gentle Reader obviously your problem is caused by your prospective guests failure to observe social decency in which acceptances of invitations Are binding. They Are simply rude. But your problem is compounded by your false notion that guests must be allowed to come and go by Telephone whenever they please. That is foolish. With a total open line policy you will never get a Nap in peace. Accept Calls Only when you want to. Solving one problem May help solve the other. Miss manners does t guarantee that people so callous As to cancel social engagements in the last half hour might realize that not being Able to cancel Means that they ought to attend but in might give them pause. When you next Sec them try showing extreme concern at the Merg Amicy that must have befallen them to necessitate their standing you up. If they Are shameless the Nap should at least leave you fresh to entertain your polite guests. Miss manners regrets thai there seem to be so very few of that Type left. Dear miss manners my daughter just informed me that she was married a year ago. Do i Send announcements now do i give her a reception now please advise me As soon As possible. Gentle Reader miss manners sees that you expect higher standards of promptness from her than you do from your daughter. A year afterwards is late to Send formal wedding announcements which Are correctly mailed on the Day of the wedding. Nor should you exactly give them a wedding reception. But by All Means inform everyone who might be interested through letters and Telephone Calls. Ii would also be Nice to give a reception in Honor of the couple informing guests in a Toast rather than ahead of Lime on the invitations of he occasion. Dear miss manners i have reason to carry my camera often while Riding the subway and when walking through Public areas. Is there a proper Way to approach a lady whom i find attractive to ask if i May take her picture gentle Reader if you arc determined to do so do it with the understanding thai you Are asking a great favor and the care to reassure her that you Are not asking More. This is going to be difficult even miss manners suspects you of using the question As a ploy to meet strange ladies who May not take to being import Ned on the Street for photographic or any other purposes. Write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can answer questions Only in her column. Thrum 1, 1990 Tripti Magazine