European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 12, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Column Guys ought to know How to fix what a broken by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers most Guys believe that they re supposed to know How to fix things. This is an awesome responsibility that Guys have historically taken upon themselves partly to compensate for the fact 1h. They never clean the bathroom at Home. A real Guy can walk into a bathroom containing a Colony of commode fungus so advanced that it is registered to vote but the Guy would never dream of cleaning it because he has to keep himself rested in Case a mechanical emergency Breaks out. For example let s say that one Day his wife informs him that the commode has started making a loud groaning noise like it s about to have a baby commode. This is when the Guy swings into action. He strides in removes the tank cover Peers Down into the area that contains the mystery commode parts and then drawing on tens of thousands of years of Guy Type mechanical understanding announces that there is nothing wrong with the commode. At least that s How i handle these things. I never seem to actually fix anything. I blame this flaw on tonsillitis. I had tonsillitis in the ninth Grade and i missed a week s Worth of school and apparently on one of the Days i missed they herded the Guys into the auditorium and explained to them about things like carburettors valves splines gaskets ratchets grommets Dado joints Etc. I know something like that must have happened because some Guys actually seem to understand this stuff. One time in College my Roommate Rob went into his room All alone with a Volvo transmission opened his Toolbox and disassembled the transmission to the Point where he appeared to be working on individual transmission molecules. Then he put it All Back together and it worked. I on the other hand would still be fumbling with the Latch on the Toolbox. So i m intimidated by mechanical Guys. When we got our boat trailer the Salesman told me one Guy to another that i should re pack the bearings every so Many Miles. He said this As though All Guys come out of the womb with this instinctive ability to re pack a bearing. So i nodded my head knowingly As if to suggest that sure i generally re pack a couple dozen bearings every morning before breakfast just to keep my testosterone level from raging completely out of control. The truth is that i be never been 100 percent sure exactly what a bearing is. I was t about to admit that of course for fear that the Salesman would laugh at me and Call me a wimp and maybe give me a Boogie. The main technique i use for disguising my mechanical tonsillitis is to deny that there s Ever anything wrong with anything. Well be driving somewhere and my wife Beth who does not feel that mechanical problems represent a threat to her manhood will say Quot do you hear that grinding sound in the engine Quot i la cock my head for a second and make a sincere looking frown face then say Quot no i Don t hear any grinding  i la say this even if i have to shout so Beth can hear me Over the grinding sound even if a Hole has appeared in the Hood and a Large important looking engine part is sticking out and waving a sign that says  if Beth insists that she still hears a grinding noise i might switch tactics. Quot of that that s just the Grommet bearing Quot i la say. Quot it s supposed to do  or at Home Beth will say Quot Honey i think there s something wrong with the Light switch in the  so i la stride manfully into the Hall where volleyball size Sparks Are bouncing merrily off the bodies of recently electrocuted House guests and i la say Quot Well it seems to be working Fine now Quot actually i think this goes beyond mechanics. I think Guys have a natural tendency to act As though they re in control of the situation even when they re not. I bet that seconds before the titanic slipped beneath the Waves there was some Guy still in his Cabin patiently explaining to his wife that it was perfectly Normal for All the furniture to be sliding up the Walls. And i bet there was a Guy on the Hindenburg telling his wife Quot of you re going to get a certain amount of flames in a  our Federal leadership is basically a group of Guys telling us Quot hey no problem with the budget deficit thing because what s happening is the fixed based Long term sliding scale differential appropriation forecast has this projected Revenue growth equalization sprocket which is connected via this Gramm Rudman Grommet oscillation module to. Quot i have to admit it i m beginning to get worried about this budget deficit  notions about engagement etiquette by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a my Friend s Friend has been steadily dating someone for the past three months and even though she claims that they Are not living together she spends nearly every night sleeping at his apartment. She also claims to be engaged and has set a wedding Date. There is no ring and i really doubt that the gentleman is seriously looking for one. This girl expects a bridal Shower. If they Are already living together where does she get off thinking that she deserves the same Type of engagement trimmings a girl would get when she has a ring and does not live with the Guy it is not a question of finances either. This Guy could Well afford a ring. Since this courtship was so Short and fast i Don t really think my Friend should have to Lay out Money for no Good reason if this supposed wedding does t take place. Gentle Reader a miss manners will Avert her eyes from the question of Why you Are interesting yourself in where someone who is Only the Friend of a Friend is sleeping whether she knows if she is engaged and what she does or does not deserve. The fact is that you do have something in common. You both have wildly mistaken notions that a voluntarily offered frill has become an essential requirement of an engagement. A ring is neither a necessary nor a sufficient ingredient to determine an engagement. It is a Lovely Symbol if the gentleman wishes a and can afford a to give it to his intended but couples can Beer it aged without the Exchange of a ring. A Shower is not necessary either. It is a Lovely party if the Bride s friends wish to give one for her but not one that the guest of Honor can mandate. Your Friend does not have to go into the complicated questions that you posed. To avoid buying a Shower present it is Only necessary to decline the invitation to the Shower. Dear miss manners a my husband and i have a vacation Home to which our school age children often bring their friends for weekends and vacations. We enjoy our Young guests and they can expect to share both the privileges and the responsibilities of temporary membership in our household. We Are a Catholic family and attend mass every weekend. Our children s friends who come from families that practice a different religion Are easy to Deal with. It seems that religious parents of our generation my husband and i included consider the occasional attendance at different religious services with a Friend s family to be an important learning Opportunity in a pluralistic society. Such parents also go out of their Way to ensure that Young guests have an Opportunity to attend their own religious services if that is their preference. But although non religious parents always assert that attending mass with us will be Good for their children our Young guests do not always agree. Some do not know How to behave in a House of worship and one 10-year-old asked if he could wait in the car. I said no. He was too Young to be left unattended i thought. At what Point can or should i leave the bored and the protester outside i anticipate that As my children get older this May get More complicated. Religion is not merely a matter of convenience to us but i realize that not everyone thinks that Way. There is also something to be said for social conduct that is respectful of religious traditions. Gentle Reader a their theological responses May get More complicated As your children and their friends grow older but miss manners assures you that the etiquette will be simpler. Your children then will need Only to say to their House guests Quot we will be attending 10 o clock mass. Do you want to come or meet us afterwards Quot and older children who want to attend services need Only say to their hosts Quot i d like to go to mass. What time would not interfere with your other plans Quot younger children not Only cannot drive and cannot be left alone As you Point out but should be Given fewer choices. Those who have never been exposed to religion Are in no position to decide whether exposure to it would be Good for them. Besides their Quot protests Quot May Only be embarrassment about not knowing How to behave. Strange places can be intimidating. They might also be afraid they will have to participate in a As opposed to observing respectfully a rituals not of their own religion or tradition. You need not Only the approval of their parents but the cooperation of their parents. At the time of the invitation you should add Quot i m sure you la explain to him How one is supposed to act in Church but Well also Tell him before he goes a Little about what to expect and what the service  dear miss manners a i do not like Small children. Many of my parents friends have children or grandchildren who Are 5 or 6 a the Ages i hate most. Every time they bring them for a visit they insist that i play with them. I never want to. How should i Tell them this without being rude gentle Reader a miss manners is going to help you on a technicality Here if you Promise not to abuse her advice. You Are required to be a Junior Host when the visitors Are of your own age a although not invited by you a and when any Young relatives Are visiting. But you should not be required except in emergencies to be a Babysitter. You can t Tell parents a even your own a that you dislike children. Where would you be if they shared that View but you can put on a sad smile and say regretfully Quot i m sorry but i m simply no Good with Small  and then make yourself scarce. April 12, 1990 stripes Magazine