European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 8, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Jts opium we pm m i i of planes Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers so i was getting on a plane in Seattle and i was feeling a touch nervous because that very morning a plane was forced to make an emergency Landing at that very Airport after a window blew out at 14,000 feet and a passenger almost got sucked out of the plane headfirst. This is the kind of thing that the flight attendants never mention during the preflight safety demonstration although maybe they should. 1 bet they could put on a very impressive demonstration using an Industrial vacuum cleaner and a Barbie doll and we passengers would never take our seat Belt Oft even when the plane landed. Wed walk out into the terminal with our seats still strapped to our backs. Anyway the Good news is that the passenger in Seattle was wearing his scat Belt and the other passengers were Able to pull him Back inside and he s expected to make a Complete recovery except for no longer having a head. This will definitely limit his ability to enjoy future in flight meals a would you like a dense of Clit like substance sir just nod your stump.�?�. A amps Sharon Killday a a i am just moshing of course. The Man retained All of his major body parts. But just the same i done to like to hear this Type of Story because i usually take a window seat because i want to know if a Wing Falls off. The Pilot would never mention this. It is a violation of Federal aviation administration regulations for the Pilot to Ever Tell you anything except that you Are experiencing a a Little you frequent pliers know what in a talking about. You re flying along at 500 Miles an hour seven Miles up and suddenly there san enormous shuddering Hump. Obviously the plane has struck something at least the size of a Winnebago motor Home a in fact sometimes you can actually see Winnebago parts flashing past your window a but the Pilot trying to sound bored announces that you have experienced a a Little meanwhile you just know that up in the cockpit they re hastily deploying their emergency inflatable religious shrine. Here a what bothers me. You know How during the preflight safety demonstration they Tell you that in the preflight emergency oxygen masks will pop out of the ceiling my question is who wants oxygen if in a going to be in an emergency seven Miles up i want nitrous oxide followed immediately by emergency intravenous beverage cart service so that i and my fellow passengers can be As relaxed As possible. A wow those Are some Beauty Fui engine flames a. Anyway nothing terrible happened on my flight which was unfortunate because there was a High school marching band on Board. My advice to airline passengers is always request a non marching band flight. Of in a sure that these were wonderful teenage kids on an individual basis but when you get 60 of them together in a confined area they reach critical adolescent mass with huge Waves of runaway hormones sloshing up and Down the aisle Knock in g q ver the Al i get at be n wants and causing the older passengers to experience sudden puberty symptoms the pilots voice went up several octaves when he tried to say a turbulence Quot. Mealtime was the worst. The entree was beef stroganoff airline style a Hearty dish featuring chunks of Yellowish meat like byproducts that apparently have been pre chewed for your convenience by weasels. 1 was desperately hungry so i was actually going to attempt to eat mine when one of the male band members seated near me in the age old adolescent tradition of impressing girls through grossness launched into an anecdote about an earlier in flight meal a. So she was eating chocolate All Day right and she gets on the plane and they serve her the meal right and she looks at it and she goes like Ralph All Over her tray and its like Brown and its getting All Over her tray and onto the floor so she like stands up and she goes Ralph All Over the people in front of her and its like running Down their hair this anecdote did no to bother the band girls at All. A a they said chewing happily. Whereas i lost my appetite altogether. 1 just sat there a frequent flier looking at his vaguely beef like stroganoff and wondering How come airline windows never suck people out when you really need them to. A would you bring us a bottle of what they re drinking a a Avery Large Man was watching his wife As she measured herself with a tape measure. When she was done he took it and with a smile started to measure his Waistline. She turned and said a counting the inches Quot he said a forget the inches. In a counting Michele Stewart Mannheim West Germany Marlon Brando has asked that when he Dies his ashes be thrown from his private Island into the seas of the South Pacific. And when that a full into the Atlantic. Punch British humor Magazine Lee Trevino on How deep the rough was at Royal Birkdale one of the Sites of this year s British open Quot on one Hole we put my bag Down to look for a lost Ball. We found the Ball but lost the new York times Page 12 c sunday july 8.1990 copyright �1990, Cort Ponitti 8, writer syrd mate
