European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 16, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                R last laugh radioactive exam leaves a healthy glow Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers its 8 30 a.m., and in a in a Small brightly lit room with a tube in my and a woman i have never met before named Bette is scrubbing my Chest with what feels like sandpaper. A some people really scream when i do this a Bette is saying. Id scream too but in a too Busy pretending that there a no tube in my Arm. A a there a no tube in my a is what i am telling myself in a soothing voice. A a there a no tube in my Arm. There a a tube in my Arm. There a a tube in my Arm. Omigo there a a tube stuck right into my and in a going to a i need to lie Down a i say a you Are lying Down a Bette Points out. I suppose it goes without saying that this is happening in a Hospital. Specifically its in the stress department. That a the real name. When Bette gets on the phone she says a this is Bette in  in a Here to get what is called a thallium stress test on my heart. The reason for this according to my doctor is that there is probably nothing wrong with my heart. That a what doctors always say a a there a probably nothing wrong. But just in Case we re going to run a few  evolution the first Day n o 0 s Quot a h. Riu $ Tom Madrid Spain a probably nothing wrong is the leading cause of health care in America today. The stress test like most medical procedures was originally developed by the former nazi researchers at the Institute of punitive Medicine As a Means of maintaining Hospital discipline. If you re a Hospital patient and you Start to become irritated because the food tastes like Purina rat Chow and they charge you $2,316.17 every time you flush the toilet and you Are foolish enough to complain about this  say a sounds like we need to run some tests on  and if you have the common sense that god gave gravel you will never open your Mouth again. Because the Way these tests work is whatever part of your body they claim they want to look at they insist upon entering you via some other part. If you have for example an ankle problem  say a what we re going to do is insert this 1-Inch-diameter exploratory Garden Hose into your body so you might experience some  i wont even Tell you where they insert the Hose if you have an Eye problem. So anyway my doctor a his actual name is or. Hamburg but to avoid a costly lawsuit i will refer to him Here As a Cdr. Frankfurt a made the alarming discovery that there was probably nothing wrong with my heart which is Why Bette stuck a tube in my and Sand papered my Chest and attached wires All Over my skin and strapped a Large electronic Box to me so that i looked like a Man being attacked by a crazed mutant Home appliance. I was close to passing out from the stress of All this but i was thinking to myself a Well at least its almost Over because there a nowhere else on my body for them to attach anything a when in walked or. Frankfurt who ordered me to run on a Treadmill. With a tube in my Arm. I bet no medical person has Ever even considered doing such a bizarre thing himself. But or. Frankfurt made me do it. While i was running a Small Man who had been lurking in the shadows rushed in without warning and put thallium into my tube. This made me feel very stressful because thallium is basically atomic radiation and i distinctly remember a horror movie from the 1950s when a Man a it might have been he Success of various political a action committees has led to a speculation Over who will be next to form a lobbying organization and what names they would adopt. Among the possibilities # a group dedicated to negative campaigning to be called the mud Page # a group working for the Benefit of ill people to be called a Sicks Page # a National Lumbar surgeons1 lobby be called a Back Page Warsaw ind times Union a Mikhail Gorbachev says Many soviet problems can be blamed on the a heavy legacy of previous leaders. But the dead need not worry being a dead Kremlin Boss Means never having to say you re Czar. A it Isnit True that Bast German Marks Are worthless. Several thousand of them together weigh a Pound which you can spend in England. Bill Tammeus a Kansas City Star James Amess a became radioactive and started glowing like a gambling Casino and acting antisocial to the Point where he had to be subdued by several branches of the armed forces. The next thing i knew i was on a wheelchair being rushed through the Hospital Halls with a terrified look on my face and a tube in my and radiation in my body and i was thinking How Only an hour earlier i Felt Fine and now thanks to Modem Medicine people were looking at me in the same pitying Way that they a look at a recently run Over cat. I was wheeled into a department called a nuclear Medicine a which Are two words that do not go together and they put me on a slab and All the humans sprinted from the room probably because of the radiation. Then a medical robot swooped Down and examined my body very closely. It did not have a Good bedside manner. It would peer at one spot for a while and then go  a is that bad a i would ask it. A Whir a it would say. It turned out that there was nothing wrong with my heart. Just As we had suspected All along. But in a actually glad that i went through the thallium stress test. For one thing i know in Mok. For another thing i no longer need a bedside lamp. I just read by the glow from my  12 c sunday september 16,1990