European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 28, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh new fall fashions violate All the important rules Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers As a fashion conscious Guy i recently became concerned about what in a supposed to be wearing this fall now that its half Over. So i got hold of go Magazine a for the Modem Man which featured an article titled a fall  the first sentence is a this fall we celebrate a Clever conflation of luxe and Loose  a a you can always count on professional fashion writers to make things Clear. I bet they had quite a brainstorming session at go trying to come up with the fall concept a wok How about a this fall we celebrate a Clever concoction of Duck and Moose  a a nah. How about. A Clever convention of schmucks in puce  a a nah. How  and so on until finally they hit upon it a a Clever conflation of luxe and Loose moods a which is exactly what you men out there Are celebrating this fall right liars you done to even know what a a conflation Means. I know i done to. It sounds like a medical condition a a in a sorry or. Johnson but you have a conflation of the  but after carefully analysing the photographs in go i have concluded that what they mean by a a Clever conflation of luxe and Loose moods is Brown suits. This makes me very nervous. I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy fashion rules including a both of your socks should always be the same color. A or they should at least both be fairly dark. A if when you appear at the breakfast table your wife laughs so hard that she spits out her Toast you should consider wearing a different tie. A when dressing for a formal event always Check the armpits of your rental Tuxedo for vermin. A always Wear Black shoes after 6 . Except during months ending with a a re unless you Are a joint taxpayer filing singly with two or More men on base. A when you Wear shorts your underwear should not stick out the Bottom More than two inches. But the most important fashion Rule that has been drummed into Guys is never Wear a Brown suit. Only two kinds of Guys Wear Brown suits a your Uncle Wally the retired accordion broker who attends All family functions a weddings funerals picnics a wearing a Brown suit that he purchased during the Truman administration and that he has never had cleaned or repaired despite the fact that the pants have a Large devastated Region resulting from the time in 1974 when he fell asleep with his Cigar burning and set fire to his Crotch and aunt Louise had to extinguish it with egg nog. A Ronald Reagan. All other Guys have been trained to Wear Only. Dark Blue suits and dark Gray suits taking care to never Wear the pants from a Blue suit with the jacket from a Gray suit or vice versa except in Low Light situations. It has taken some of us Guys years to absorb these guidelines. And now Here comes go introducing a completely new fashion concept Brown which raises a whole raft of troubling questions such As does this mean we also have to Wear Brown shoes what about ties what about Green suits How Many questions make a a a raft and what will the fashion directors Tell us to Wear next. The alarming question is perfume. Yes. Of they done to Call it perfume. They Call it a fragrance for men a and they give it Guy Type names like a Tel no kidding monthly salaries for soldiers in american revolutionary War commander in chief a $500 generals a $166 brigadier generals a $125 captains a $20 lieutenants a $13.33 privates a $6.66 George Washington declined his salary source world features Syndicate. Big names who came from big families George bums a one of 13 children Dolly Parton a one of 12 Mel Gibson a one of 11 Martin Sheen a one of 10 Connie Chung a one of 10 Madonna a one of 8crystal Gale a one of 8 source world features syndicates amps Sharon Kilday Hombre de male Man for him a but its definitely perfume. This is even More alarming to me than Brown suits because i grew up in an environment where if you had shown up at school wearing a fragrance the other males would have stuffed you into a gym locker and left you there for the better part of the academic year. The scariest part is that you can be exposed to male fragrances against your will merely by exercising your constitutional right to Leaf through magazines. For example while leafing through go i was attacked by an aggressive Calvin Klein male fragrance advertisement that deliberately spewed fragrance molecules onto my body and for several hours i was terrified that i might have to make a trip to a masculine environment such As the hardware store for an emergency toilet part or something and the clerks would pick up my scent clerk sniffing smells like a Moose conflated in Here is that you me yes but. Clerk hey wait a minute Isnit that Calvin Klein a obsession the fragrance that used to be advertised with pictures of a bed with enough de pressed looking naked people lying on it to Start a coed naked depressed persons softball league me yes but. Clerk you got any More my current fall fashion plan As a modern Man is to squat around in my Boxer shorts until Spring. Williams % London Quot not so great really last time he forgot the  24 c to plus sunday october 28,1990