European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 11, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 24 last laugh How to pay Back All those Pushy credit companies Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers recently i received an exciting offer in the mail from my credit card company. Usually its offers involve merchandise that no human would Ever need. Quot dear or. Dave Barry a the offers say. A How Many times have you asked yourself a Why can to i Cook shish pc Bab and enjoy recorded music Well or. Dave Barry because you Are a valued customer who has consistently demonstrated by paying us 3 million percent interest that you have the financial astuteness of a lint Ball we Are making available to you a special Opportunity to Purchase this deluxe combination Gas Barbecue Grill and cd  but this recent offer was even better. This was an offer to sell me my own credit rating. Yes one of the great benefits of living in America is that regardless of race religion or Hygiene habits you Are entitled to have a credit rating maintained by Large corporations with powerful computers that know everything about you. For example lets say that this morning you deposited your paycheck at the Bank made a phone Call wrote a Check for your electric Bill and charged some gasoline on your credit card. By this afternoon thanks to High Speed laser fiber optic data transmission the computers will know every sexual fantasy you had while you were doing these things. And done to think they keep it to themselves either. They arc As human As the next person. They go to computer parties they have a few too Many diskettes and the next thing you know they re revealing your intimate secrets at the rate of 4 billion per second. That a Why i was so excited about this offer from my credit card company to sell me the try credentials service. Try is a Large company that collects credit information about people and Sells it. According to the try credentials offer if i give them $20 a year  let me see my information. The offer states Quot financial experts recommend that you carefully review your credit report twice a year to Check its information and make certain that it is  in other words a Correct me if i am wrong Here a they re telling me that i should give them $20 a year so i can look at the information about me that they collected without my permission and have been Selling for years to god alone knows whom so i can see if it is incorrect. Which it very Well could be. Because even with computers things sometimes go wrong. I know you find this hard to believe inasmuch As we live in such a competent nation a nation capable of producing technological wonders such As the Hubble orbiting space Telescope the Only orbiting space Telescope in the universe equipped with dark glasses and a Cane. But sometimes mistakes do get made and they could affect your credit. For example just recently we got a phone Call at Home at night from a woman from a collection Agency. She said wed be in big trouble if we did no to turn Over four Cable to boxes which she said we had failed to return to the Cable company when we moved a year ago. I explained that it was Only two boxes we had made three appointments with the Cable company to get them but nobody Ever showed up we would love to get rid of them and maybe she could get the Cable company to come get them. The woman said basically that it was too late for that because the matter had been turned Over to a collection Agency which is apparently several Levels above the . Supreme court and we had better hand Over four Cable boxes or this would go on our permanent credit record. So i called up the Cable company and joined the millions of americans on hold waiting to talk to a amps Sharon Killday one of the nations estimated four Cable company service representatives two of whom Are on break. Finally miraculously i got through and even More miraculously they came out and got our boxes and i was feeling very Good about America until the collection Agency woman called again at night to inform me that wed be in big trouble if we did no to turn Over the boxes. A11 four of them. So i done to know what our credit record says. I  be surprised if it holds us largely to blame for the savings and loan scandal. So in a definitely interested in the try credentials offer. However i done to like to do business with an outfit unless i know something about it. So in be decided to develop a file on try. Id certainly appreciate anything you can contribute. But i done to want any wild speculative unfounded rumours such As a try is the worlds largest distributor of hard Core pornography. A try has destroyed two thirds of the Earth a Ozone layer. A try is a satanic Vampire cult headed by the love child of Jim Bakker and Leona Helmsley. There is no need to run the risk that absurd statements such As these might get into print. In fact it would probably be Wise for try to examine my file from time to time just to make sure nothing inaccurate appeared in there. In a sure we can work something out. Of Iov London England m him copyright 01990, coition Atli amp Wal Ltd syndic no kidding comedians other roles Jay Leno a was Rolls Royce Mechanic Tom Hanks a started As shakespearean actor Dick Van Dyke a had own advertising Agency Mel Brooks a social director at catskills resort Robin Williams a Street mime while studying acting Arsenio Hall a first worked in advertising Johnny Carson head writer for red Skelton show sows television amp video almanac Borer Switzerland a d copyright 61990,  amp write Syndicate to plus sunday november 11,1990