European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 09, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Watch the kids Quot i said Hoback whose husband Barry is a staff sergeant assigned to the. 12th engr in in Derheim Germany. A a Hoback is dealing with the situation the Correct Way. A Murphy  has talked with her husband about the changes and said it is just a matter of Quot give and take Quot to work things out. A ?.� a during a presentation to military Community leaders one woman told Murphy How she changed from a Quot shrinking Violet Quot to a Independent woman during the Vietnam War. She sent her husband a letter stating Quot Here is Hofve changed. I like these changes and i Don t want to go  other Way when you  he was shocked at first but he accepted the changes and there weren t any problems Murphy said. V tomorrow More on desert Calm with a Story about the Navy a program to help families readjust after lengthy separations plus a Story about the stress suffered by soldiers who did to go to War. A a a a a a. A a. A. A a a a a Blunt talk can help the returning veterans capt. Chet Lanious an army chaplain said he gave a number of 45-minute redeployment briefings to members of the 82nd airborne div in saudi Arabia before they returned to their Home base at fort Bragg n.c., last month. Quot some of you Guys Are going to get Back to base your wife is going to drive you Home fix you a  meal and. Tell you Over the main course she wants a divorce Quot the chaplain said he told the soldiers. Quot or some of  find your wife is four months pregnant and you be been Over Here for seven months. Or everything you own is in a pawnshop and your car has been . His advice he told them was not to get Blind sided by bad news and Fly into a rage. A Don t react physically Quot he said. Quot go for a walk until you Calm Down. Find a Friend to talk to. Get counselling and . A few Days after his return to fort Bragg the chaplain said he happened to meet one of the men from his unit who was having family trouble. A the Soldier described his wife s admission on his first. Night Home of infidelity while he was away. Quot sir i took your advice Quot he said. Quot i took a couple of Steps Back to see How i should handle this. We be gone for  most of the problems encountered at Home will not be this extreme. But Gulf veterans will carry Back with them. Fantasies of an idealized life that will inevitably collide with reality. Many military families like Katie Morrison and her. Husband have dealt with separation before. But this time is More difficult. A a a this main concern is that he a going to come Back and i m not going to need him anymore because he sees that All these things Are getting done Quot said Katie Morrison whose husband Chris is a specialist assigned a to the same unit As Hoback s husband. Although she has taken on More responsibilities she said it was not by of Choice but that she a had a hard time convincing her to husband. A. J Quot i wrote turn a letter but hell be paranoid until he g actuary gets Home and sees that its not As different and i m still the same Quot Morrison said. A the army helped prepare her for separation four Days after they married when they sent Chris to Germany two years ago. She waited six months in California until housing was available. Tavvo weeks after she arrived in Germany her husband was sent to the Field for four weeks of military exercises. Morr in said they have not spent six consecutive a months together during their two years of marriage. Gur a Culpepper was left at Home with three children when her husband Harvey deployed with the engineers a from Derheim. She said eight years of military life have taught her about moving and change but the War has pieced extra burdens on her that she will be glad to. Relinquish. A. A. A. A a. A. A a a. A a a a is amps eff Bathen Many things changed while spouses were away. For capt. Pete Mueller of Niernberg Germany there a a new baby daughter Elisabeth held Here by his wife Kris As son Tommy looks  veterans will carry Back with them fantasies of an idealized life that will inevitably collide with reality. A amps Effie Bathen returning spouses need to spend a Quality time with their children who like Justin Clary have been anticipating their Homecoming Justin wore a Tuxedo to Greet his returning dad in Nurnberg. Quot ill be glad to give up the extra  said Culpepper who has helped manage Tiro family action Center in Derheim. Quot i told turn Don t worry i need you gust As much As before. Ill take care of the kids and you can do the scouts and other things Quot. R. A unless the service member is made aware of the changes his spouse has undergone he probably will come Home and act As if nothing has changed. Unfortunately there Are things that the War did t. Change. Marital problems that existed before the War will still exist when couples Are reunited Murphy said.  marriage probably did no to get any better while you were separated Quot Murphy said Quot so if you had some problems before you left then what s going to happen when you come Back is that you re at least going to pick it up there or maybe  a a a a a a a a m there is a tendency to blame  the War or to expect everything to be perfect when the spouse. Returns Murphy said. According to Navy studies the Best predictor for problems a couple will have after the reunion is to look at the marital problems they had before they were. Separated. Most problems appear about a month after service members return Home from extended absence Murphy said. Anytime there is deployment of five weeks or longer problems usually occur. _ for example when troops return from Field exercises  an increase in spouse and child abuse Murphy  returning spouse should make a Point of spending Quot Quality time Quot with each of his children said it. Col. Jeanne Picari Elb head of the v corps health promotion and training office implementing desert Calm. If he has presents to give his children he should let each son or daughter know that he bought the present especially for that child. Before coming Home it would be a Good idea to write individual letters to the children Picariello said. A a a. If the returning spouse is usually the disciplinarian of the family he should gradually move into that role again. When the couple is finally together alone the husband or wife should t press the spouse for details about the War until they Are ready to talk about it. If the returning spouse was involved in combat Murphy said they should be prepared to hear things such As Quot these scuds or artillery came in and i started crying or peed in my pants. A a a a. Quot we want spouses to know this is Normal so they won t. Say of my god Are you nuts should we go to the psychiatric Ward Quot. About 90 percent of the service members who were in combat Are Likely to Sutler the symptoms of combat stress which include crying spells and nervousness. Lessons from the Vietnam War show that talking about a War experience is important. Murphy said. Quot the tendency was to shut up and not talk about it until later and when they finally did Start talking about it people thought they were nuts or crazy for saying those  a a a. A a a a a a but in some instances the War has been As stress duo the waiting wife or husband As for the Soldier Murphy said. They have had to live with the  of wondering if their spouse was dead or injured and the frustration of not getting mail for Long periods of time. Not knowing How Long they will be separated from their spouse is also a source of stress Picariello said. Life for the service members in the Gulf was More. Ordered because they had a specific Mission to perform Murphy said. But there  specific Mission for the spouse at Home during the War and Many Are unprepared for what they should do now that they soon will be together again Murphy said. A Quot it s an adjustment period and it will vary from couple to couple Quot Murphy said. Quot some will do Well and others  contributing to this report Start writer Randy Pruitt and the new York times. April 9, 1991 the stars and stripes b Page f5