European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 21, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse A sure thing Barry Quayle presidential ticket just when you think that this great nation we Call. America is losing its competitive. Edge something happens to remind you that a Civ All is said and done we Are going right Down the toilet. I refer to the enthusiastic Public response to my announcement that in a running for president. Here at Campaign Headquarters our wastebaskets Are overflowing with letters from americans. Voicing their support a cancel my subscription a a who cuts your hair piranhas a a Etc. Some. People sent actual contributions in the form of coupons for valuable pizza discounts. A few pc. Pic even sent Cash Money although most of it was., from third world nations with tuber based economies nevertheless each of these contributors will receive As a Token of my gratitude one of the following valuable items a a Large defense contract a a Cabinet Post. A a bumper sticker. Thais Light i already have bumper stickers. They say. A a a a Dave Harry por president a a Catchy slogan should appear Here. And i stand behind those words. As you can see this is a serious Well thought out Campaign with truly a couple of minor details to he ironed out such As which specific political parly in a. Going to get nominated by. Kosta Athens Greece last laugh i was leaning toward the democrats because when they have gala fund raising events they always attract top celebrities like Robert Redford and Cher whereas the republicans generally wind up with people like Walter Brennan. I realize that Walter Brennan , deceased if you think that makes any difference you have never attended a Republican gala on the other hand when it comes to actually getting a candidate elected president the democrats us a party traditionally display the shrewd tactical instincts of Margarine. Right now for example their Only Scmidt Clarid candidate is a get ready a George Mcgovern. This is a Man who in 1972, became the first major party presidential candidate in history to be chased away from the voting Booth by his own dog. So in be decided in a going to permit either. Party to nominate me. But in a definitely keeping Dun Quayle he a a fun dude and he has proved that he can handle the primary duty of the vice presidency which is to stand behind the presi. Dent and frown with the concerned thoughtful expression of a Man who suspects he has a live Moth trapped in his inner ear. The official Barry Quayle Campaign theme will be a jus that you need two White Guys in their 40s.�?� my other major appointee will be Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf. I realize that by putting this Tan in my administration i run the risk of becoming wildly popular but that a a risk i am will ing to take. Quot a l Iell be in charge of battling a Domestic Scourge that is every bit As much of a threat to this nation As any foreign Power. That a right in a going to place him in charge of the War on Light Beer. As Light Beer Czar Schwarzkopf w ill have a two pronged Mission which is to find out 1 fio is making this stuff and 2 what happens to. Their breweries when you drop bombs on them. Speaking of kicking enemy butt militarily i intend to be just As much of a stud Hombre style of president As George a who ssh Bush when the. Chips were Down by Iii was not afraid to go to. War with Iraq and although i had some doubts about this at the beginning i Learned an important lesson. When in a president and some loud braggart foreign nation such As Cuba or Yemen a. Tries to put us Down ill go on National television and announce in a firm Clear voice that we re i going to War with Iraq again. A when you find a no kidding no. Of school Days in selected countries Japan a 243 a year Israel a 216 . -211 England a 192 nigeria�?190 France 185 Ireland a 184. United states a 180 source the Atlantic monthly no. Of marriages ending in divorce United states a one in two . A one in three great Britain a one in five Japan a one in 10 Italy a one in 20 source Natrona Center for health statistics Ujj Cwiklo to government program that works you stick with it a that is one of my mottos. As a general military policy however i ,. Prob Abazly would not use nuclear weapons. Inspirational slogan a Dave Barry he probably use nuclear weapon s a there really. Would t be much Opportunity inasmuch As our major nuclear target the soviet Union will soon be due to secession movements about the size of Disney world. So As president id take Al our atomic missiles and in a dramatic gesture that would bring Joy to peace Loving Peoples everywhere turn them Over to the states. This would produce practical eco. Nomic benefits. Lets say general motors decides to close a big. Auto Plant in Missouri. Right now All the Missouri governor can do is make a whiny speech but just think of the leverage head have with pm executives if at the push of a Button he could convert Detroit into High Altitude particles. Also it could be a Good tourism Booster. A visit South Dakota or lose your entire slate a. Or course As president i la need to make Many other appointments to i Glieve ,.well-paying Federal jobs. Even As you read the Csc words pm conducting a nationwide search for High Caliper individuals and writing their names Down on cocktail napkins. You May rest assured that As lie nation s Leader i will choose Only the Best qualified people available regardless of outside considerations. Make me an offer Arnould Toronto a i think ill make it rain cats and dogs a a a a a a i Page 24 a sunday april 21, >991
