European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 11, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Be our guest drawn to fridge magnets and other crucial inventions Mike Mcgee guest columnist Ever wonder about he wonders of modern life human knowledge is doubling every few years. Even the rate of increase of our collective knowledge is rapidly increasing. We be walked on our tranquil Moon and had an up close look at All of the mysterious planets in our Liny Remote solar system. We transplant human organs sometimes in package deals. Communism is going the Way of the Dodo Bird. Illnesses that once ravaged humanity have All but disappeared from the planet. We have High tech phones in our environmentally sensitive cars and on our mass transit air planes. We can gel a hamburger and French Fries in seconds. We can create life in a Jar and we be begun to practice Gene. Therapy. Yep. We re Down there mucking about with our Dan Structure. And we have Nintendo. It does no to get better than that. But there Are really important things that have popped up in this Century that we May think arc rather mundane. That is if we think about them at All. Nerf balls. Now even 40-year-old, i remember the glory Days sex jocks can throw a downsized football in a spiral that is tighter than a fat kid s tortured shoelaces. Joe Montana would be envious. Nerf balls arc easy to catch Loo. If one slips through your hands while you re running a Down and out it wont crush your nose or Blacken your eyes. Super glue. It gives us something to do on Rainy weekends when we re so bored that we get the i can repair Thal syndrome. Then we end up with our fingers glued together for a couple of ignominious hours. Gas grills. Nowadays the ancient Manly ritual of burning meal is so clean and easy refrigerator magnets. You know. The Little bits of plastic fruit cars Trees elves hearts and Flowers with the tiny magnets on the Back. What a monumental contribution to the technology of modern interpersonal communication. How did our ancestors get by without them you re not truly domesticated unless you have 30 or 40 of these modern wonders on your refrigerator.  it be neat to watch an archaeologist about 1,000 years in the future excavating some suburb of Pittsburgh he discovers this rusted out refrigerator with 40 plastic do Chickies stuck to it. He thinks its an altar for an ancient religion. He writes it All up and wins the Nobel prize. Bathroom air freshener. Enough said. The express line at the food store. You have a place to go where you can see a Mike Tyson bus tar Douglas look alike rematch every time some ill mannered mathematically deficient Quant Oid tries to sneak through with More than 12 items. Cruise control. Something Detroit came up with so that we can shorten our attention spans. Spray starch. Neatness in a can. To evangelists. Religion in a tube. Multicoloured and Multi shaped dog food. So we done to have to feel bad about not feeding the dog from the table. Some of us even secretly cat it because it looks so Good. I am ashamed however when my wife catches me on my hands and Knees at the dogs bowl. Liposuction. Today even the fat woman Down the Street has a shot at getting her Fanny into the spandex pants that she has hidden in the Back of the third drawer in her Dresser. Rap music. You done to have to have any Talent whatsoever in order to make a record or music video. Radar detectors. So we can break the Law and feel Good about it. Bug zappers. These arc the ultimate artefacts of civilizations drive to control the environment. They also prove that there is a Little bit of nazi in everyone who owns one and sits out on the Patio laughing As bomber size bugs snap crackle and pop in the Blue coils of the Zapper. Haven to you heard a geez that was a big one a Remote controls. So we can sit on our Butts getting in shape to be lip suctioned. Those Little pieces of pastel coloured paper that have the self adhesive on the Back. So if there is a refrigerator Magnet embargo or shortage we can still communicate important Little messages to each other. Civilization has reached the Point where we  be the same without these things. We just done to think about them very much. Its hard to Tell if these modern conveniences help us Deal with our neuroses or just create a whole new Batch of mental illnesses for us. It. Col. Mike Mcgee commands the 6th in. 6th inf regi in Bamberg Germany. Send in your column plus a photo of yourself to be our guest sunday Magazine the stars and stripes Apo 09211 or Postrach 11 14 37, d-6100 Darmstadt 11, Germany. Com Ini s Oriti picture get Nam by Mew Alex Winter left and Keanu Reeves in Bui and Ted s bogus journey. Page 19. From the cover.4-6 an radio leads an air assault. Wes Booher designed the cover from Dave Casey s photos. Andy Rooney .7 Oval office can encircle you. Books and language.8-9 dead nazi subject of songs Poison pen. Odds amp ends. 10 Cindy Chambers blinks at Rny in cartoons. To plus. U curtains for parts of . Films. Television listings.12-14 local Cable and satellite schedules. On the tube .15 two big hits at Abc. Home entertainment .16 Quot new Jack City Quot hits drugs hard. Joe Bob Briggs .17 Jeff Speakman perfect for Quot weapon. Quot this weeks films. 18-19 Chuck Vinch a Bill and Ted Quot better than bogus. Compete cafes circuit listings. Classified ads.20-23 last laugh. 24 Dave Barry cartoons. Sunday is a weekly supplement of the stars and stripes editor Bucky Fox Art direction Wes Booher production Kelly Quinn Lisa Williams editorial assistance Marian Hamilton Louis Pierce Page 2 a sunday August 11, 1991