European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 11, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Joe Bob goes to the drive ingesting a read on High kit perfect weapons every once in a while my Mother Loena Briggs of Burkburnett Texas decides i need spiritual help and sends me these Little Brown pocket sized books full of pictures of elves with curly toed shoes and pinocchio noses. They re called Elf help books. Excuse me a moment while i spew vomit a ounce the room. All right in a better. There a a whole series of pm a the by Good to yourself therapy Book the by Good to your marriage therapy Book the on Day at a time therapy Book i assume that ones for drunks and cok Heads a and each Page of each Book has a Rule for living. Like a let your feelings be known. They Are or a when someone yells at you physically support yourself by relaxing into your chair or putting your feet firmly on the floor. Remember to there Are people buying these books who forget to breathe and so in be gotten so Many of these books in the mail that last week i decided i would give it a shot. I would try to make these rules work. The first one i did was Rule no. 18 in the by Good to yourself therapy Book which is. A when you feel alone know there Are people who want to be with you. Fantasize what it would be like to be with each of them. Decide if you want to make that i did this one. You probably read about it How it took three Security guards to remove me from Nastassja Kinskie a apartment building. But i did no to give up. Next i tried life Rule no. 9. A be spontaneous. Though risky it opens up a world of exciting speaking of exciting we have so Many Kung fun masters out there these Days that its hard to keep track of them All a Jean Claude Van Damme Steven Seagal Benny Quot the Jet Urquidez Dolph Lundgren Lorenzo lamas Chuck Norris Sho Kosugi. There seven a French Guy named Olivier Gruner making movies where he a a a French Exchange student at Gimme a break. But the Guy who a getting a whole Heck of a lot of attention a for being the most authentic martial artist since Bruce Lee a is Jeff speak Man a Black Belt in Kenpo karate. No trampolines for this Guy. No pulled punches. No lame brain stuntmen standing around like wounded ducks while they wait clobbered in the head. A speak Many a movie. The perfect weapon is the first Hick that s so True to martial arts teaching that the body count is Only one. That s Uno because after All the original idea was Seif defense right _ Jeff plays a Hothead who takes on the korean mafia trying to get even for the murder of an old Friend by ruthless drug goons. Everybody thinks speak Many san idiot including his cop lather his cop brother his Kenpo karate master his fighting korean Girlfriend and several dozen Oriental head washers. The surprising thing about the movie is that As it turns out he is an what a really strange is that Kenpo karate looks More like belly dancing than it looks like Kung fun. You have All this hand motion and these Arm swings like Steve Martin doing King Tut and you done to really think its a very Macho martial arts technique a until you see Speakman knockout four Guys in five seconds. Excellent. No breasts. Three dead bodies. Deadly headhunting. Leg stabbing. Whirl knife chains. Nine karate brawls. Outstanding fight choreography. Two motor vehicle chases with multiple crashes. Exploding korean. King fun. Kenpo fun. Stick fun. Gratuitous you got the Power disco song. Drive in Academy award nominations for Seth Sakai As master to for saying Quot to control the Power of Kenpo you i just first control yourself John Dye As Adam the a a Good brother for saying a you kill Yung you throw away your whole life a and Jimmy so professor Toru Tanaka As the 350-Pound bad Guy _ for wrecking two cars with his Bare hands and killing a Man with his forehead and Jeff the new Bruce Lee. Four stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. File Jeff Speakman foots his martial arts release of the week Fortune Dane 1986. Carl Weathers is muscular handsome agile funny a Good actor a and nothing Ever works when people try to establish him As a Box office Star. Two years before he made action Jackson there was this lame Pilot for a to series about an a football player turned Eop loved by kids his adoptive parents lady prosecutors and midgets. In this two hour episode his midget Friend the late David Rappa port is gunned Down by a hit Man and w Hen Weathers is pulled off the Case he turns in his badge and gets involved in several motor vehicle chases shootouts and other life threatening situations before wrapping things up. The Only reason to watch it is for Adolph Caesars Brief performances As Weathers weak troubled banker father. One half bobs advice to the hopeless communist Alert the a a drive in last of three drive ins in the Kitchener Waterloo area of Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate Ontario was supposed to close Down last year when developers bought it but the big shots get their act together and so it reopened a for another season a probably its last. Postcard heat please. John Charles of Guelph reminds us that without eternal vigilance it could happen Here. Dear Joe Bob is the Quot essence of Many in bar Harilla related to the essence denied in or. Strange love 1 sue Fallon Gainesville Fla. Dear sue you be made the common mistake of confusing Jane Fonda with slim Pickens. You either saw Jane without her makeup or slim with his makeup perhaps at the funeral but in any event we Are talking about two distinct and separate essences a a eau do miniskirts and a can do . I Hope this makes it Clear. Dear Joe Bob please done to go legit on us when you hit the big time Joe Bob. We love you As your own weird self. Did a a Ever notice that Quot weird violates the Quot i before Erule i Langins with a . Figueroa or. Tyler Texas dear ., in a Loo weird to go legit. Dear Joe Bob Given your eloquent defense of the drive in movie theater Over the past several years 1 thought you might be just the one to Champion the cause of another part of american culture about to succumb to the forces of totalitarianism the 12-Inch Vinyl record album. It Isnit enough that they be reduced the cover of Santana s Abraxas onto a tiny cassette cover you might As Well rent a video of re Nee of Arabia and watch it on a 5-Inch to screen the pinkos who run the music Industry want us to sit Back submissively and listen to the songs on an album All the Way through in exactly the order that they dictated. There have been dire predictions that As soon As the end of 1991, our constitutional right to play a segment of one song Over and Over again without having to fiddle with lots of knobs and buttons will be erased. Laura Fern Hall san Francisco dear Laura think of it this Way too. We were the last generation that was Able to play the drum Solo to Inna Gadda Divida Over and Over again to annoy our parents. Kinda makes you sick done to it to discuss the moaning of life with Joo Bob or to got tree Unk in the mail and his world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob. P o Box 2002, Dallas. To 75221, or fax him at 214 368 2310august 11. 1991 sunday a
