European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 11, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Lastau ravenous Ravens make airlines for the Birds Dave Barry the Miami Herald if you re one of the millions of americans who travel by air a question you no doubt frequently ask yourself As you Board an air plane is Quot what exactly Are the Odds that this air plane will be pecked apart by Birds a unfortunately they Are a lot higher than you thought. Alert Reader Colleen c. Brown has sent in an associated press article stating that Ravens have been pecking holes in Small air planes at the Airport in so Dortna Alaska. This is not the first example of nature getting out of control in Alaska official state motto Quot Bear i done to see any . Alaska was also the site of the easter egg Hunt from hell Back in april. Many Alert readers sent me the Story about this event that appeared in the Anchorage daily news which sponsored the Hunt along with the kiwanis club. The Story says that about 1,500 children showed up for the Hunt but some of them wandered too far into the Woods where the Snow was Waist deep. A a kids became stuck in the deep Snow and mud and began to panic a the Story says. A at least eight were reported missing by their parents.�?�. So the police were called. If you Are at All familiar with Alaska you will not be surprised to learn that one officer Fred Jones was attacked by a Moose. The Anchorage police probably have a Standard radio code such As �?o10-53,�?� that Means a officer being attacked by Moose while attempting to Rescue children lost in  officer Jones flailing his Way through the Snow tried desperately to escape but the easter Moose which weighed 1,500 pounds and was in a very bad mood kept after him. Finally officer Jones was forced to draw his revolver and dispatch the Moose to the big stomping ground in the sky after which i assume he advised it of its rights. But aside from this incident and some cases of frostbite it was a fun Day All around. We can Only imagine what kind of special treat the daily news and kiwanis club Are cooking up for the children for Christmas. Perhaps somebody should Alert the National guard. But the Point is that we should not be surprised to learn that Small air planes in Alaska Are having holes pecked in their wings by Ravens. The associated press article quotes a Raven expert named Boyd Shafer a who has worked with Ravens in movies As saying that Ravens Are a highly intelligent Birds that Are always pecking things open in search of something to eat. A if they think there a food inside then  try and get at it a says Shafer. A a that a a Raven for  these Are alarming words indeed. Because if the Ravens Are in fact a highly intelligent a its Only a matter of time before they figure out that they re wasting their time looking for food inside Small planes. Its going to Dawn on them that a much better source of food is Large commercial air planes some of which even carry a Choice of entrees usually a beef that tastes like chickens and a Chicken that tastes like used football pads. Some night in the near future on some commercial flight carrying a couple of Hundred tired business people Home the pilots voice will come on the intercom and say a ladies and gentlemen we seem to be encountering some unexpected Peck Peck Peck really there a nothing to worry Peck Peck Peck Peck probably just go away if we Peck Peck Peck Peck Peck Peck Peck my god they re coming through the Windscreen Peck Peck Peck Peck Peck Peck of Noo oooo. What would happen next inside that ill fated air plane is too easily imagined by anybody who Ever saw Alfred Hitchcock Schilling movie the Birds in which tens of thousands of Birds Sud Denly dressed up As Anthony Perkins and attacked Janet Leigh in the Shower. While the plane would swerve and pitch violently with the Pilot fighting to regain control the passenger Cabin would become a nightmarish chamber of horrors As swarms of highly intelligent shrieking entree crazed Ravens their Sharp talons glinting in the Light of the fasten seat belts signs would swoop and dive among terrified business people making pathetic attempts to defend themselves but succeeding Only in whapping each other on the Heads with their Wall Street journals. Somebody should do something. We can to count on the airlines. They re paralysed by financial problems which have gotten so bad that on Many flights the Pilot will refuse to land until the passengers agree to Cash his paycheck. So its up to you to protect yourself. From now on when you take a commercial flight you should carry some Means of self defense such As a Tennis Racket or a Small travel size Machete. If the Airport Security personnel ask any questions Tell them a a done to worry this is Only in Case the plane is attacked by Ravens a if they have any questions As evidenced by the fact that they wrestle you to the floor and handcuff you and sit on your head then you just refer them to me. Assure them that i am a Well known nationally syndicated newspaper columnist who will take full responsibility. Be sure you spell my name correctly be or be a i la. Schwadron Usa 9 to �?�1 to. Top. _. Quot Okay who s the Wise acre Early occupations of 8 celebrities Bill Cosby a shoe Salesman 2. Dustin Hoffman a psychiatric attendant 3. Lee Marvin a apprentice plumber 4. Walter Matthau a boxing instructor 5. Barbara Walters had Agency Secretary 6. Robert Mitchum a coat Miner 7. Bob Newhart a advertising copywriter 8. Joan Rivers a Fashjon coordinator source Compass readings 5 great writers with school problems 1. Eugene o Neill a dismissed from Princeton 2. John o Hara a expelled from Fordham prep 3. Edgar Allen Poe a dismissed from West Point 4. John Cheever a expelled from Thayer Academy 5. James Fenimore Cooper a expelled from Yale source world features Syndicate Page 24 a sunday August 11,1991