European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 24, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Testing Protection with Beer helium and natural Bias i recently tried to get hired As a professional condom tester but they said i was i have no idea what they meant. Anyhow it s time for the annual Job Bob Briggs Safe sex lets cat this aids Deal scientific birth control Survey and 1 think you re Gonna be a Little bit surprised at some of the results. This year we tested 94 different brands of condoms including the new triple ply Corn Husker a emr. Magic a which is the Only condom assembled by hand at a factory in Athens a. After interviewing Selma Dulles the sole employee we wouldn4 recommend the Husker for general use the highlights of this year s Survey the Yamabuki no. 2 lubricated this is the first year we be tested japanese condoms and we finally decided that hey there a gotta be something in our lives theses people done to make Money off of. We refuse to recommend these things on principle. The Ramses extra with spermicidal lubricant and res Crevior end this used to be a favorite with people who Purchase condoms in the rest rooms of country Western bars in the deep South but we weren to pleased. We attached the a a extra to a helium Gas Lank blew it up into a balloon of about 18 inches in diameter then twisted it into the shape of an iguana with big cars. At this Point the left car sprung a leak and we were unable to use the condom. We also had to Send the person wearing it to the emergency room where he is resting comfortably. The lifestyles stimuli Vibra ribbed we Short skirts and tall tables get no respect the following statements seem True to me a generally speaking shoes done to fit very Well. We just get used to where they Hurt. A cheerleaders with Short skirts and megaphones arc out of Date and have no effect whatsoever on the performance of the team they arc exhorting. A people use Coffee tables a lot More to put pumped Gallons of old Milwaukee into this condom until it looked like an Over inflated Beach Ball and then dropped it off a seven Story building onto a bed of nails. The a is Timulas never ruptured but the so caled a Vibra ribs Quot ceased to vibrate. The Sheik Fel Erlile snug fit to see just How a snug Quot it was we pulled this condom Down Over Luke springers head to see if we could make out his facial features while he was wearing it. Not Only could we Sec the perfect outline of his nose cheekbones lips and Chin but Luke also could t breathe proving that the advertising claims of a total Latex a a vacuum during condom used were True we strongly recommend this Brand. Trojan Kling Tite natural Lamb condoms made out off lambs intestines have always struck us As a Little Kinky but we will do anything to support the depressed Texas sheep Industry. Finally we be got your Quot lady Quot brands a lady Trojan lady pro Tex Ultra thin lady excite extra lady lifestyles Nuda a and when these first cant out we were sceptical. Can you really Trust a woman to buy the condom use the com Dom take car of the condom then somebody told us that the Man still has to Wear these condoms can you believe this we be got to do everything already. Speaking of Protection Morgan Fairchild is a Hooker with an attitude in Midnight cop and i Haven t seen her do work this Good since phantom of the mall. The woman definitely knows How to Wear a sequined mini dress with pumps and she a single hand edly preserved Farrah Fawcett hair Dos for the 1990s. In a in Awe. This is one of those weird flicks that looks All american a it even has Frank Stallone in it a but turns out to be a made in Germany Deal where everyone Speaks English and tries to avoid driving past any signs that have German writing on them. What Are they using to do with these things if icy re making a German movie make a Gold urn German movie if they re making an american movie come to Gold urn America actually the Star of this movie is not Morgan Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate and it s not Frank and its not even Michael York this is the of tin drive in movie for Michael a big new career starting Here. The Star is i hat great exploitation hero Armin Mueller Stahl. Unfortunately you can to understand a lot of what Armin is saying because he mumbles his lines. But basically the idea is that Armin is a a Colum to Quot Type cop searching for a slea Mcball who shoots girls up with heroin and then smears vaseline All Over their face and stabs pm to death in a meat locker. The movie Isnit even 15 minutes old when everybody and his dog has figured out that it s an Aii Ornce played by Michael York who a the sleaze Hall but we need at least an hour and a half to develop the love Story Between Morgan the Horny Hooker and Armin the Horny cop aardvark ing All Over Berlin. It s one of those european deals where the camera is Niobe interesting than the actors. Five dead bodies. Six breasts. One fistfight. Stabbing. Strangulation. Goat in a whorehouse. Coke sniffing. Gratuitous disco Why do european movies a was have discos in them. Toilet fun. Drive in facade any award nominations for Armin Mueller Stahl As the cop for saying a i want this report in 23 hours a because everybody says �?~24 hours a Quot and a when he secs Morgan Fairchilds body a a Praise god Bare Bones Quot one and a half stars. Joe Bob says Cheek it out. Junk and magazines on than they use them to put Coffee on but the name Sticks anyway a a dining room table 29 inches High is too tall to eat from comfortably but that a what most tables arc. In some restaurants the Tabic is too High and the chair is too Low. A All television programs should be broadcast simultaneously on radio for you when you go to the Kitchen. A three quarters of the homeowners in America never use their front door a menus undershirts Arentt Long enough when you re working around the House saturday because they pull out at the Waist when you Bend Over. A i Don t drink Beer from a bottle and i done to Sec Why anyone Ever drinks it from a can. 1 done to drink a bottle of Beer very often and cannot imagine drinking two. When i drink a Beer it tastes Best if i wet the Glass and chill it in the Freezer for a few minutes first. A no one in prison for murder is guilty when they Tell their Story on television. In be never seen a guilty murderer. A two door ears Are a pain in the neck and in a never buying another. A they ought to play the second half of the monday night football game first so wed All know How it came out without staying up past Midnight. A i like and Trust doctors. I hate to read about one who a been caught stealing. A its apparent to me How old 1 am when i read in the paper that they re handing out condoms to kids in the new York City schools i did t know what one was in High school and mention the word in mixed company to this Day. A the shades Are always Down in my office. If its a Beautiful Day outside i done to want to know. A the Drivers seat in my car is More comfortable than any chair in our House. A people who done to remember when you had to choke a car to get it started Are Lucky. A when you come up to the checkout counter in the supermarket with a shopping cart full of groceries the cashier always says a will that be All a or Quot is that it Quot she must think you re just leaving the stuff with her while you go gel More. A there is a definite difference Between coca cola and Pepsi cola and one is clearly belter than the other. I can t even drink the other. A they say squid and octopus arc catching on in american kitchens but not in ours. 9 of All the things 1 buy boxes of tissues Rolls of paper towels and toilet paper Are the most reduced in size compared to what they once were. A most kids in school like their teachers. A not Many americans could Lill in a Blank map of the United states even it it had the outline of the slates on it. Thu no Murgui 24. 1991 sunday a
