European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 24, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Warning Turkey could be weapon in Holiday disguise Dave Barry t thanksgiving is a time when we pause to gratefully eat Large amounts of food in memory of the pilgrims a band of courageous and deeply devout people unless it turns out that they were dirt bags. You never know anymore. Historians Are constantly turning up shocking new evidence proving that everything you Ever Learned in school was wrong. For example historians now Tell us that the electric Light bulb was not in fact invented by Alexander Graham Bell. It was invented 3,000 years ago by the aztecs who never got credit because they had nowhere to screw it in. And of course Columbus did not a a discover America. Historians now a believe that Columbus in fact never left Italy and was not even born until 1021. And was probably a woman. And not a very Nice woman either. So for All we know the pilgrims were Snake worshipping vampires. But we should celebrate thanksgiving anyway because it gives us a Chance to eat Turkey with our loved ones and our relatives and Large colonics of potentially fatal bacteria if we have not cooked our Turkey properly. This is Why we need to be aware of the various Lurecy advice hot lines including the Butterball Turkey talk line 800-323-4848 and the . Department of agriculture meat and poultry hot line 800-535-4555. Both hot lines Are staffed by trained Home economists who each year guide thousands of Panicky people through the Turkey cooking pro Cess. Its like in those old movies where the airline flight Crew gets sick and a terrified passenger has to try to land the plane guided by radioed instructions. A pull Back on the throttle you re coming in too High now wiggle the drumstick it should move easily a i spoke to the head Home economist at the us a hot line Susan Conley who said the hardest part of the Job is advising people that because of improper preparation their turkeys should be used for something other than dinner such As Landfill. A a it a a difficult situation a she said. A the Turkey is the emotional focus of the entire  this is True. I have Here a wire service news item sent in by Many Alert readers last november headlined Man charged in attack with Frozen Turkey. According to the article an Oklahoma Man spent part of thanksgiving Day in jail after he allegedly got angry because his Turkey was not defrosted. So apparently unaware of the Butterball Turkey talk line he threw the Turkey along with a pie into the parking lot of his apartment Complex then broke his car Windshield with it then threatened his wife with it. And this is not the Only instance of poultry being used As a weapon. The Columbus Ohio dispatch printed a news item also sent in by Many Alert readers concerning the arrest of a Man who allegedly walked into a Franklin county savings and loan ordered the Teller at gunpoint to give him Cash and then a placed a stuffed Duck on the  a the Man warned the Teller that the Small yellow Duck which had an Antenna sticking from its head was a Remote control explosive device a the Story states. The robber said that if he heard any alarms he would set off the Duck. Fortunately it turned out to be just an Ordinary stuffed Duck. But animal weapons Are not always harmless As can be seen by an associated press Story sent in by still More Alert readers stating that a pizza delivery Man in Balch Springs Texas was a i swear i am not making this up a a robbed of about $50 by two thieves armed with a snapping  a that sucker was going to bite me a the Man is quoted As saying. A they put him right up to my  i personally have had a deep respect Lor snapping turtles Ever since the summer of 1957, when i was a camper at Camp Sharp Aroon and we swam in a murky Lake containing a snapping Lur the named a big John who was so Large that legally he should have had navigational lights. Whenever we went swimming some joker would shout a big John a and we d All shoot out of the water like Polaris missiles. If our olympic swimming team used this technique we d never lose another race. Anyway my concern after this Balch Springs incident is that More criminals will Start packing turtles which arc quieter than guns and harder to pick up with Metal detectors. In a particularly worried that new York City youth gangs might Start using snapping turtles leading to the danger that some turtles might escape and mate with the Albino alligators in the new York sewer system. Although historians now Tell us that these Are actually crocodiles. A the Miami Herald Langer Buenos Aires Argentina of k 11 i 1 \ it 7five famous lines that were never said 1. A you dirty rat Quot a any James Cagney movie 2. A me Tarzan you Jane Quot a any Tarzan movie 3. Quot come up and see me sometime Quot a she done him wrong 4. A elementary my dear Watson Quot a any Sherlock Holmes Book 5. Quot beam me up Scotty Quot a any Star Frek episode fast food restaurants that did no to make it 1. Johnny Carson s Quot Here s Johnny so 2. Mickey mantles Southern cooking 3. Mahalia Jackson a Glori Fried Chicken source world features Syndicate a sunday november 24, 1991