European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 1, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Joe Bob goes to the drive in class of 1999�?T wasting violence on staid Seattle those �?T90s trends arc piling up like soggy French Fries in the Bottom of a Mcdonald a bag Arentt they first we had the wild Man movement. Then we had �?T70s nostalgia including platform shoes. Then we had the worlds first Yuppie War. Then we had Clarence Thomas the first supreme court Justice to be Cross examined about his use of the words a pubic and now every doctor in America is handing out these Little pamphlets that strike fear into the hearts of men throughout the land. Remember when breast exams became such a big Deal in the �?T80s, and there were free breast exam clinics and movies about breast cancer and to shows where they talked about breast self examination and even right Here in this column we helped out the american cancer society by recognizing a breast awareness every week for me is breast awareness week but we meant Well. So now we have the male version of a breast and its Call. Of my god this is Gonna be Tough. It s called a testicular just the sound of it makes me Wanna _ a so Bend Over like a Rhesus Monkey and hop around in pain. But its True. Next time you Guys go to the doctor a which in Texas normally Means once a year when you get your gunshot wound a you re Gonna find out about his. You be got to do it. They scare the Begab Bers out of hacked a or in class you telling you How a this testicular cancer a can we please get a new name for this a How it sneaks up on you even when you re Young. And so you just about get Over the Shock of hearing the doctor say the word a a Testicles about 30 times and then he tells you you re Gonna have to do this a a procedures to yourself once a month. And you re going a yeah of Fine i can live with and then he tells you what the procedure is and you go a a and double Over in his office like a Man who a just been rammed through the stomach with a fire poker. But they know you re Gonna react like this. They re ready for you. So then they Tell you Why you have to do it. Because if you done to do it you might not be Able to have children. And this gets to some Guys scares Mem. Others go a can you give me this disease immediately a then they Tell you you might also lose All your facial hair. Not pleasant. Then they Tell you that if you re not Alert for testicular cancer you might end up with a voice like Goldie hawn. That a probably enough to turn the tables right there because unless you want a lifetime career As a professional Weatherman i Don t think most men could handle the voice thing. But then they clobber you with the Biggie if you get this disease you might grow breasts. You know big ones like those Guys on 42nd Street. And so pretty soon you re saying "can�?~1 have like 50 of those brochures in Case i lose the first 49 and forget How to do my monthly testicular self examination Quot a but to answer your main question Guys yes you feel like a Complete idiot when you do it. I know. I hate it. But i also done to have breasts. Speaking of no breasts there Arentt any in this weeks flick class of 1999, either but in a reviewing it anyway because its the sequel to that great sick skin ripping classic class of 19s4, where the violent gangs have taken Over the High schools. By 1999, they done to just control the High schools. Entire neighbourhoods have been declared a Eftee fire zones a where the police will not enter and the buildings arc left to turf wars Between gangs like the blackhearts and the razor cads the meanest leather studs and a Eccl spikes Guys in. In Seattle. Yeah. I had trouble with it too. Seattle the ultimate War zone of drug crazed killer teenagers 1 mean in be spent time in Seattle and the scariest thing that Ever happens there is when somebody spills their cappuccino on a coach purse. How could you Tell who was in a Seattle gang a by his dirty Warmup suit and where would they meet a in the slums of Snohomish anyhow we wont dwell on that. The Point of the movie is that things have gotten so bad the principal has to bring in Stacy Kucach a Creepy or military contractor to program android killer robots to teach chemistry history and phys cd. Students get a Little out of hand Start using the of word dealing drugs kicking each others eyes out a and whammy three Kung fun kicks and its Over. Extra demerits for bleeding on your textbook. Unfortunately those Pesky computer programs can just go a Little bit out of whack and pretty sewn you have indestructible mutant killer English teachers running around wasting cheerleaders. The Only Guy who has it figured out is Bradley Gregg a senior who has already finished his hard prison time and wants to spend Quality time with the principals daughter if it weren to for these darned terminators handing out Trig assignments. Fortunately for the future of the school Bradley takes his Pink Floyd lyrics very seriously. You Gor hounds a enjoy this one. Forty two dead bodies. Two motor vehicle chases with one crash and Burn one crash and plunge. Neck snapping. Fireballs. Arm ripping. Skull drilling. Terminal spanking. Flaming supporting actor. Brutal push ups. Student Cut in half. Puck a Rama. Six fistfights. Attempted rape. Kung fun. Junkie fun. Robot fun. Forklift fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for the immortal drive in Queen Pam Grier As the android chemistry teacher for Kung suing the smart Alcocks and shooting fire out of her hands when necessary Gregg As the bad kid turned hero for saying a a in a going in there to waste some teachers a arc you with me a Kucach As the hollow eyed evil Mastermind for watching three students get beat to a bloody pulp and saying a education at its finest John p. Ryan As the Crew Peter history of 1999. Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate teacher for saying "1 operate from a Model of absolute Zero tolerance Quot Malcolm Mcdowell As the Weenie principal for saying a they be been waging War with my students a w whatever happened to and Jimmy Medina tag Gert As the Leader of the razor cads Lor saying Quot the mind is a terrible thing to waste a Don t make me w Aste three and a half stars for director Mark i. Lester. Joe Bob says Cheek it bobs advice to the hopeless communist Alert the Fox triple drive in in Fayette Villuc n.c., held a dusk to Dawn labor Day Marathon and then closed forever a after 33 years. This is where All the Green berets from fort Bragg got their regular drive in fix a a landmark second Only to Rick s lounge and topless bar in downtown Fayetteville. It opened Jan. 6, 1954, with Ethel Merman starring in Call me Madam and it closed with Back to the future 3, Navy seals and total recall. Richard Mckinney the manager said he was losing too much Money and he did t want to whine about it anymore. The last show was a sellout with cars lined up for Miles a and then Mckinney handed out speakers to anybody who wanted pm. Tim Christmas of Richmond va., Graham Niven of g amp n gun shop in Raeford n.c., and Eric Hyman of Fayetteville remind us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob so in a ironing some shirts and watching this dumb harmless i thought movie love boy. You probably know the plot a High school senior earns tuition by servicing Good looking . Housewives. Not too Good but perfect to Iron shirts by. I was t prepared for the immoral in american scene that ended the movie. The kid says he is going to a give the Money Money he earned by the sweat of his Taco Bells Joe Bob what kind of message Are we giving to the youth of this country with smooth shirt but wrinkled brow. Hank Arakelian South Orange . Dear Hank that a Why you la never see love boy reviewed in my column. Besides its a Ripoff of the far Superior 1970s British classic adventures of a plumbers mate. Isnit anybody original anymore dear Joe Bob i would like to get into the shoe repair business. However the smell of stinking feet frightens me. I would appreciate any helpful suggestions. Monica Ayala Pittsburg Calif. Dear Monica put odor eaters on your face. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to gel tree junk in the mail and his world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas. To 75221. Or fax him at 214-368-2310.i___ a december 1, 1991 sunday a Page 17
