European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 1, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh shopping shows bait the Hook for Cable to Dave Barry when people ask me Quot Dave what is a Good Way to turn my brain into suet a 1 always recommend Cable to. That s where you find for example your in Ishing shows. These Are shows wherein two Guys wearing billed Caps stand in a boat and fish. That is the entire plot. As they fish the Guys engage in witty repartee such As first Guy yes sir i think pm Gonna cast again. Second Guy i m fixin to East again pretty soon. First Guy casting yes sir i just now Cus cd. Second Guy these billed Caps must have Cut off the blood flow to our brains. Every few minutes the action heats up when one of the Guys reels in a Surprise a fish. You d think that just once for variety they d reel in a brassiere or Michael j. Fox. Hut no it s always a fish. As far As i can Tell it s always the same fish. I believe that at one Point this fish was also a regular on Hollywood squares. A that there a a Nice fish a the Guys always say although in fact it has about 217 holes in its lips irom All the other limes it has been on this show. The Guys display it then let it go whereupon i imagine it swims to the Lake Bottom and reads the script which says a now bit the other Guy s  1 am fascinated by these shows. I stare at the screen Mouth open grouper like thinking ii people will sit and watch two men fish what Csc would they watch How about two men trying on shoes or two men picking their Teeth Quot Earl. Pm working on a Sliver of pastrami Over  Don t laugh. People will watch virtually anything on television including a show made up entirely of commercials if you want proof tune in to the Home shopping shows. Usually you la Sec a close up of a piece of jewelry a sometimes ugly sometimes truly hideous a but always at an amazingly Low Price. You know this because the announcers Tell you. Announcer people arc looking at this item and asking Quot How can they be Selling a gorgeous synthesized magnesium brooch with the solid Gold coloured metallic izod pin clasp and Beautiful four Carat gym like Stone an estimated retail value of $1,200, for Only $5.t/7?&Quot the answer is that we Are actually losing Money on this Deal. Other announcer that a right Jim. We failed to take our medication and our brains malfunctioned and now we re deliberately going broke Selling brooches. Anno Lancer to prove what a terrific value this is we have a viewer named Denise on the Telephone. Denise looking at this brooch on to a which experts agree is the Best Way to evaluate an item of jewelry a would you say that it s an excellent bargain viewer of Jim definitely. I saw a very similar brooch in a Magazine article about the Crown jewels. Announcer really and what would you say the retail value of the Crown jewels is viewer of. Jim i would say Well Over $2,000. Announcer amazing we have another viewer on the line. Viewer Jim last week my sister in Law bought that exact same Type of brooch and she paid $1,500 for it. Announcer no kidding $ 1,500 <3 viewer she wore it to lunch with Elvis. My favorite part of the Home shopping shows is when they sell stereo systems. Announcer Doreen after seeing several close up shots of this stereo system on to would you say that it appears to have excellent audio Quality viewer of Jim yes. Announcer so you d say that this is a terrific Deal viewer i surely would. Announcer and would you also say that Nebraska is made entirely of spam viewer of Jim definitely. I Don t have room to discuss All the other excellent shows on Cable to. There arc half hour shows starring Richard Simmons the whole Point of which is to sell you videotapes starring Richard Simmons who demonstrates exercises that will if you do them conscientiously turn you into Richard Simmons late at night there Are Long shows wherein men who have acquired great wealth and have All the Money they need and never have to get Money again offer to Tell you their secret in Exchange for Money. There a a show called grudge Mutch. Where two Ordinary people Settle a grudge by fighting each other in various events including one called a trash can Heads Quot where a i m not making this up a they put garbage cans Over their Heads and butt each other. This is clearly How we ought to Settle disputes in the Middle East. We could have israeli and palestinian leaders go a couple of rounds of trash can Heads with Ted Koppel As referee then everybody could buy a brooch and go fishing. Quot Yasser i think in a Gonna cast  what do you think i think i need More medication. The Miami Herald Farris Usa no 1\ 11 i i \ what 6 to series were almost named 1. Leave it to Beaver a Wally and Beaver 2 the outer limits a please stand by 3. All in the family a those were the Days 4. Baretta a Toma starring Robert Bloke 5. Or. Eds the Alan Young show 6. The Dick Van Dyke show a head of the family source world features Syndicate americans first 2 billionaires 1. John d. Rockefeller 2. Henry Ford source new and improved Arnould Toronto Canada Kwh  a Quot yes but he i the Only Leader we a  o o 3 o w a. S la 3 Page 24 a sunday december 1. 1991