European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 23, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Voice sat least Clinton has a heart unlike Gary Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in i can to figure out this Bill Clinton thing. I could figure out Gary Hart. I knew what happened on that Deal. People weren to that mad at him for getting a Little Nookie on a tour boat. What they were mad about is he did no to Call that Gal Back i still think the Guy could have been president today if head just called her Back. You know what i mean a Donna or us Mumm this is hard for me to say but you know that thing on the boat last week a i was really stupid. I lied to you. I feel terrible. You re a wonderful woman. You deserve better than that. Whatever you decide to do i could never blame you. I was this is the speech that works for me. Believe me it would have worked for Gary Hart. That Gal would have vanished. But the Bill Clinton thing is different. First of All the Man lives in Little Rock. I have spent a lot of time in Little Rock. And everybody sleeps with everybody else in Little Rock especially in politics. Little Rock is the Hammock hopping capital of Arkansas. So done to believe it for a minute when you read some quote from a jowly Arkansas journalist claiming that Clinton is out of line. Done to forget that this is the state that spawned Wilbur Mills who aardvark de around with the tidal Basin Bombshell and still got re elected. Little Rock is the Home of the most notorious Groupie in Rock a no Roll history a Sweet Sweet Connie immortalized in the grand Funk Railroad song american band. So my first Point is that if Bill Clinton Only slept with 17 women during his marriage he would still be on the conservative end of the Little Rock political scale. But Here a what i done to understand. 1. Are people mad at Bill Clinton because he had an affair or affairs he told everybody he screwed up. His wife told everybody he screwed up. He went on 60 minutes and practically said a i did it nine ways from sunday with everything that had two legs and still so its gotta be More than that right it was Gary Hart who lied about having the affair not Bill Clinton. 2. Are people mad because Bill is capable of having sex at All do we really want a president who does no to even think about it do we want More Republican eunuchs 3. In France do the tabloids follow politicians around and crucify them for not having affairs 4. Are there any marriages in America that have not been through some kind of affair lust betrayal or in Texas a a you re a fat pig and i done to Wanna sleep with you anymore episode in other words Isnit the Guy kind of a Model of a Good husband a the kind who loves women who maybe loves a lot of women but who Sticks it out with one woman instead of hauling Hiney into the next county checking into a cinder Block singles apartment Complex and paying child support the rest of his life write if you have answers. Speaking of grotesque genetic mutations with bad die jobs the terror within ii stars a couple of veiny Lizard legged monsters with bloody hair nets growing out of the sides of their skulls trying to rape the remaining female population of planet Earth in order to produce even More mucus beasts and one of the Bill Clinton Toots his presidential Horn. Women they try to rape is. Stella Stevens Stella Stevens she of the Jerry Lewis movies Stella the Perky blonde with Snow Cone cups under her Bra yes its the same Stella because the movie is directed by her son the famous Andrew a sick psycho in love with Morgan Fairchilds a Stevens. Remember him from the seduction remember How Sleazy he can be Well in this movie he a the action hero because after All with mom around and All. Seventeen dead bodies. Three breasts. One dead dog. Lizard spearing. Mutant rape. Supporting actor microwaving. Dagger to the Eye. Aardvark ing. Mutating mutant Finger. Flaming mutant. Cactus juice sucking. Head Rolls. Finger Rolls. Cactus fun. Tarantula fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Lou Beatty jr., As the Black Guy who has to die for saying a it feels like my insides Are on fire Clare Hoak As the woman in distress who says a a there a nothing wrong with people needing each other right before she whips off her clothes and for trying to communicate with the monster by saying a Stop Stop right there done to Hurt him you re part of him you re part of me a Cindi Gossett As Elaba the Cave dwelling Queen of the weirdos for saying a you have come at last a the prophecy has been fulfilled Andrew Stevens for starring writing directing and screaming a breathe through the pain a and a push a while his Girlfriend is giving birth to a giant monster and Stella Stevens As the doctor for saying a a mutant sperm of some sort forcing its Way into the embryo fusing with it battling for genetic dominance a two and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the sky View drive in in Oxnard Calif., which was closed Down for six whole months has reopened by popular demand. Michael Collins of Camarillo reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Hey Joe Bob thanks for the entertaining columns. I saw you last night sitting very close to Linda Blair. You really Shook her up a she even speak clearly with you in the room a and we know How awfully talented she is twice Over. What did you two megastar do after the spot was taped please let me know. Jeff Kranz Fairfield Calif. Dear Jeff Linda and i discussed lithuanian politics of course. Most wonderful and godlike. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob. Or to get free Unk in the mail and his world famous to Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs. . Box 2002, Dallas to 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214-368-2310.best Way to vote is Dodge Bush Start to finish Linda Ellerbee so he a in the race. George Bush is running for president. What a Surprise. After following the pattern of Ronald Reagan in 1984 in delaying announcing his candidacy for re election As Long As possible to maximize his strengths As president and minimize the liabilities of being a candidate a never mind the Texas fund Raiser in october or his telling an interviewer last month a i will do what i have to do to be re elected a statement i have no trouble believing or that he has already raised More than $11 million and put his name on the ballot in 26 states a on feb. 12, 1992, George Walker Bush announced he a running for president. And Why he says he wants us to let him finish what he started. Finish what he started the very idea has me shaking in my sneakers. Its not the miserable Economy that has me worried. Why some businesses Are doing great. In the midst of a National recession that has slowed Commerce to a near halt and put millions of americans out of work one establishment Here in new York is busier than Ever. I speak of course of the . Bankruptcy court which handles one third of the nations assets in bankruptcy. Remember any of these names Macy Span am Orion pictures Eastern airlines a they used to be successful businesses. But that was before the �?T80s, when corporate inspired and government backed greed decided that most companies were Worth More dead than alive and to hell with the product not to mention the employees and their families. In the past three years there has been a record number of bankruptcy filings. Whereas in the past a a Omega cases came every 18 months or so the last three years have seen 12 filings by companies with assets of $1 billion or More. In 1988, 49 employees kept track of it All. Today there arc 107 clerks and More Are soon to be hired. Now multiply those bankruptcies across the country. Let George Bush finish what he started How Many More american businesses must go broke before George Bush finishes what he started How Many More people must be put out of work How Many More families must live in poverty How Many More homeless can we step Over How Long can we last without some kind of National health care plan How Lousy must the american education system get How loud must the japanese laugh How Low can our International reputation fall How Many More cuts in our civil liberties can we stand How much More establishment backed racism can we take How Many More lies can we Swallow How bad do the numbers have to get just How far must America fall in order for George Bush to finish what he and Ronald Reagan by their own proud admission started it is february 1992. We arc living with the results of the policies of those two men. That is the truth. These Are their times. This is their gift to us. How do you like it now we re asked to let George Bush a finish what he i have an idea. Lets not do that. Lets not make the same mistake one More time. Lets Stop now. As the Man said to err is human but when the Eraser wears out ahead of the Pencil you re overdoing it. Org feature Syndicate february 23, 1992 sunday a Page 1
