European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 14, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page 2animal ordeals that make you stand up and take notice Dave Barry Here at the Bureau of animal alarm we have received a disturbing associated press photograph sent in by Alert journalist Russ Williams of the Asheville . Citizens times motto a a newspaper whose staff has too much spare time. This photo shows a Goat looking fairly Calm under the circumstances hanging by its horns from a rope going through a Pulley attached to the Side of a building. Two men in a window Are holding the other end of the rope. Here is the caption which we Are not making up Quot Spain a a goal hangs by his horns from the Bell Tower of the Church in manganese de la Polo Rosa some 200 Miles Northwest of Madrid. Villagers who open 1 tic religious festival of St. Vincent by dropping a Goat from the Church Belfry attacked police who tried to Block the tradition. The Goat was uninjured As villagers caught the Goat with a  As sensitive and Broad minded humans we must never allow ourselves to be in any Way judgmental of the religions practices of other people even when these people clearly Are raving space loons. We Are sure that the people of manganese de la Polvorosa would be amused by some common american religious practices. Quot we May drop bats from be Fries a they d probably say Quot but at least we Don t thank the lord for  nevertheless we Here at the Bureau feel that the immigration authorities should keep a Sharp Lookout Tor manganese de la Polvorosa tour groups coming to the i Nithil states particularly new York. Be cause they might decide to visit the Umpire state building and while they re up on the observation deck they might suddenly smack their foreheads and realize its time to open the festival of St. Vincent and the next Days new York Post might print the following tragic headline a a a a a Goat terrified crowd flees 120 Mph death butt another animal menace that we All need to be More concerned about is the giant toilet Snake. This is a growing problem As can be seen by the following statistics number of articles about giant toilet snakes we received prior to 1992 Zero. Number of articles about giant toilet snakes we received in 1992 one. This represents an increase of Infinity percent in the number of giant toilet Snake reports. The most recent one sent by Alert Reader Jack Sowers was written by reporter Mike Leggett for the Austin Texas american statesman. It concerns a Man named Steve Ashenfelter who used to manage an Oklahoma Hunting and fishing club. One Day he went into the clubhouse bathroom and in his own words a there was a big Snake lying in the toilet As soon As he saw me he just swirled around and went Down the  so Ashenfelter did exactly what you would do. Namely lie moved to another continent. No really he followed Standard toilet Snake procedure which is to go around Flushing the three clubhouse toilets in an Effort to get the Snake to comp out. A i went in the bathroom upstairs and there he was lying in the toilet up there a Ashenfelter recalled. A so i went and flushed All the toilets and he came Back up in the toilet where i saw him the first  eventually Ashenfelter got the Snake but it took him two Days and he ended up using a we Are still not making this up a two fishing poles chlorine bleach Muskrat traps in All three toilets an 8-fool piece of lumber rope and heavy Metal Hooks. The Snake turned out to be Over 7 feet Long. We do not wish to create a nationwide panic but apparently there is a new Breed of Large commode dwelling snakes that have figured out How to move from toilet to toilet which Means they could easily travel across the country via the interstate plumbing system. This has serious ramifications especially if you re a Parent trying to poly train a Small child. Psychologists agree that the Best Way to handle this situation is lie. Quot done to worry a you should Tell the child Many times. A a big Snake wont come out of the toilet a this is the approach mister Rogers is taking. Meanwhile something must be done. One practical approach would be for the government to require All . Citizens to put Muskrat traps in their commodes. The Only problem Here is that if the trap is not removed prior to commode usage there could be sever consequences for Guys of the male gender. On the other hand Many women might View this As a fair punishment for All the billions of times that Guys have left the seat up. Its definitely something to think about As each of us in his or her own Way prepares to celebrate the festival of St Vincent. Tho Miami  a military life in Europe tourist in Europe olympics by Charles Kaufman Inci craning Conius ants compute to see How far Shay can Bond  Nui k Back without us Henna Quot try. We ii viewing european sights. Style awarded Lai Tor in while taking tourist  m a distorted body position h Mote Jiff i the summer olympics Are coming soon but done to miss the tourist in Europe olympics held throughout Europe this summer. Here Are a few events you can compete in. V .0. A the Boki Speed postcard writing a  to Sau How Many to cards you can Twita and Aikem is to relatives and hands m the . Stick on a  and Stull in a a Bilbo before Tea  bus leaves v t o souvenir touching emphasis Here is on a Vanhly Rathur than Quality the object is to touch handle Landle and or Caress As Many Souvong Quot in a Tounsel shop Belore your spouse or Tho store owner slops you. Push. Pos if my cup saw team suitcase stuffing a contest to see which team of tourists can stuff the most clothes m a suitcase Coni Pulsone include suit Case Sli fing with and  souvenirs  deducted Ici damaged so Verras. Thwe m ols in ?0fe.�?z i won a the amp a Tofie 5p03k 8ep i sofa we too to Fogt w a ifs a Hays complaint spouting again emphasis is on Quantity not Quality. Medals awarded to How Many times during the course of the tout the Toms complains about the weather Tood hotel slow service at restaurants and prices. C \ i Ltd key a -wr1 sgt sunday june 14, 1992