European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 6, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Voice the Way prisoners weasel out excuses can sound insane Joe Bob Briggs n goes to the drive in not Many people know that i do As Many As 30 or 40 prison visits per year offering counselling advice on How to get your Hiney out of there a because you see my Friend Rhett beavers is arrested 30 or 40 times each year and he a so heavy into the a habitual offenders Law that the judge is starting to say stuff like a if you Ever finish your 33rd life sentence and space travel has become a reality you will serve your 34th life sentence on Pluto or wherever the Crew of the Enterprise agrees to take in fact the Only reason Rhett is not doing hard time is that in a such a Good Counselor. For example i went to see him last week and he was looking at five-to-15 on a probation violation for carrying a concealed weapon three to five for stealing $2,000 from a Cash Register at the Denny a where he works and six months for failing to show up in court the last three times he was supposed to. So what i do first is i identify the problem. I say a Rhett Why were you carrying that pistol under your a i forgot it was have you Ever noticed its Only in jail that you get answers like this a what do you mean you forgot it was there a a i done to even remember picking it up that a Are you saying somebody else stuck it under your shirt a a no in a just saying that i did no to even need a gun that Day so Why would i be carrying it a now. Jailhouse counselling these Days is simple. You identify the problem which you can read in the formal indictment. Then you say to yourself a what sickness would a person have who committed this crime a and then you inform the prisoner that that a what he is. A a you re suffering from paranoia a what a Quot you re a paranoid. You need treatment. You re sick a i used to think this was weird when Guys would come up with these diseases but it works. You go into court Tell the judge and then he has to appoint a psychiatrist and he has to hear testimony about it. A wok next item. Why a you steal the 2,000?�?� a i owed a you owed Manny a a i owed Manny for All the Money i lost on the super a easy one compulsive gambling syndrome a a what a a write this Down Rhett compulsive gambling syndrome. But Why did no to you show up in court the last three times the judge is really and Rhett seemed puzzled by this question. A i never show up. a chronic lateness syndrome. In be never used it but its bound to exist. Done to worry Bud. Well have you out of Here in three you see How this stuff works. Its great to be in America in the �?T90s, where there a no such thing As crime. Everything a a disease. Never forget that. Speaking of people with a couple of buttons missing on their Remote Clive Barker is Back for the third time with hell Raiser Iii hell on Earth and this Doug Bradley As Pinhead in hell Raiser Iii. Time the Kinky sex demons from hell Are recruiting depraved disco owners and attacking entire dance floors full of leering singles ripping their flesh off with steel Hooks and leaving them wailing in Little clumps of Black leather and ankle chains. You know sex in the movies started getting dangerous in 1980, when Friday the 13th came out but this is ridiculous. Pinhead the Guy with the nails in his face who a becoming More famous than Freddy Krueger comes Back to torment a to news reporter played by the Lis some and nubile Terry Farrell. I have no idea what a Lis some or a a nubile Means but in be always wanted to use those words in a sentence eighty three dead bodies. Two breasts. One massive motor vehicle Chase. Hooks. Chains. Cops burned alive. Sweaty aardvark ing. Layered demons. Floods. Explosions. Fireballs. Battle of the godhead demons. Bloody rat attack. Disco massacre. Demonic to. Mutilated mannequins. Exploding Hospital patient. Vietnam flashbacks. Grapple Hook fun. Brass knuckle fun. Weird sex sculpture fun. Cd fun. Drive in Academy award nomination for Paula Marshall As the Little disco Bimbo for saying a i done to four stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over republicanism at last report the sky View drive in in Santa Cruz calif., was threatened by greedy Yugo dealers who wanted to turn it into 200 acres of Asphalt a but they were stopped thwarted and tossed out. The drive in stands. The democrats Are everywhere. Russ a a Jake Jacobson of san Jose reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear or. Briggs Here Are a few topics that you might consider writing about 1. Was Gilligan a Island just an example of communist propaganda shown in a subliminal Way Tina Louise sure looks russian to me 2. What exactly was the Point of producing the circus fun Cereal 3. Did babe Ruth really put a voodoo curse upon the Boston red sox 4. Why done to they Market a video game based on the persian Gulf War . Kirby Worcester muss. Dear ., Why done to they Market a persian Gulf War video game As soon As you flipped the Coin to see who would be the coalition forces and who would be the iraqi forces the game would be Over. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to got tree Unk m the mail and Joe Bob s world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002. Dallas. To 7s221 Joe Bob s la Ime is always open 214 368-2310military�?Ts Battle against Gays is simply homophobia Linda Ellerbee simple never was the same As easy. That has never been More Plain than it is right now. In a speaking about the Brouhaha Over whether Gays should be allowed to serve in the military. Its almost funny or would be if serious Basic civil rights issues weren to at stake. The funny part shows up every time some military muck to muck stands up and raves about How it would be a totally prejudicial to Good order and discipline Quot to have Gay people actually wearing the american uniform and serving their country just As if they were citizens too. Imagine. Gen. Gordon Sullivan the army chief of staff says it would create a very difficult management cd Mon Guys get a grip on your masculinity. Tell me what do you think Gay people arc going to do Salute with one hand and Grope the ranking officer with the other do you think choosing to have sex with your own sex Means you can to follow orders or give them in a rational world what has one thing to do with the other that a the real trouble. This Isnit a rational world. Some years ago i interviewed an Admiral on the subject of women serving on ships with men. 1 be was against it explaining to me that a women on ships would ruin he went on at length about the problems that would be caused by women on ships. Finally i asked him to reconsider what he was saying. What he meant what he was really worried about i suggested was not women on ships but women and men together on ships. A Subtle but important difference. The same thing is at work Here. People Arentt against Gays serving in the military. They re against Gays serving with straight people in the military. Obviously the Best Soldier or Sailor would be the asexual human. We done to have any. Yet they Are at heart although they will not admit it afraid homosexuality will rub off. Still. As a nation sex confuses us has for years. That a what is at the heart of this matter whether you re talking about Gay people in the military Gay a a spouses receiving insurance benefits or Gay people teaching in our schools. Will Clinton lift the ban on homosexuals in the military probably he does no to want to now that lie secs How Many people Don t want to the generals never wanted to but Clinton needed the Gay vote More than he needed the generals a until now. I believe he will Waffle then eventually lift the ban As he said he would. Its the right thing to do. Common sense would Tell us immediately that what happens in the bedroom has nothing to do with patriotism. A Little More common sense would Tell us there have been homosexuals in every military operation throughout history including the military Leader we Call Alexander the great. Whom you love has not much to do with your ability to kill does it now a but when you Are fighting next to someone you need to have Confidence in that person. How can you be confident of someone when they have made suggestions to you a said the War world ii hero on the television. Gee Guys just ask us women. We be been Conli Dent of you for years. King Foai Jos s a december 6. 1992 eur boat
