European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 6, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh Page 28aggressive Trees vomiting dogs and other Holiday tales Dave Barry 9k is., Holiday season a a time when s i writers openly use words like a a a tis a i and even a a a twas a time when j throngs of excited parents Bustle into the toys sure a a re costing a a us Plen a a to store and club each other with sturdy Tonka trucks in fierce Holiday struggles Over who gets to Purchase the Only remaining unit of the toy Industry s hottest new product concept baby fester face a the doll that develops real boils a a time when festive gatherings of loud eggnog impaired people attempt to sing the twelve Days of Christmas despite the fact that nobody Ever remembers what my True love gave to me after Day  milking Quot eight leapers leaping Quot seven Piggy puddings Quot six snakes a Molling. Yes. I he Holiday season is a time of traditions and Here in the newspaper Industry we have a cherished tradition of reminding you the Public of All the Holiday related ways in which you can get injured or killed. We also perform this service for you on memorial Day the fourth of july Laboray halloween and thanksgiving. A enjoy your Turkey dinner but remember this year 250 americans will choke on their  so today i want to discuss a potential Holiday disaster that was brought to my attention by Alert Reader Debby Denniston who sent me an associated press article that appeared last december in the Albany . Times Union. The article which i am not making up begins a Fremont neb. A a 10-year-old boy trying to keep his dog from throwing up on a Rug was pinned when the family Christmas tree fell on top of  this incident should come As no Surprise to anybody who has Ever owned a dog. Throwing up on rugs is the primary function of dogs As a species. If you were to put a dog in the Middle of the Sahara the dog would immediately Start trotting in a straight purposeful line and it would continue night and Day travelling thousands of Miles if necessary defying exhaustion starvation and thirst until it located a Rug which it would throw up on. So anyway when this Fremont neb., dog a whose name according to the article is cookie a started to Woof the boy shoved him off the Rug. Naturally this caused the Christmas tree to fall. Christmas Trees have some kind of inner ear problem that renders them incapable of standing erect for any significant length of time. In their natural Forest environment they grow horizontally on the ground like Zucchini. Compounding the problem is the fact that Christmas Trees Are known to be among the most vicious members of the Plant Community. They become especially hostile after they be spent weeks tied up tightly at the Christmas tree sales lot while Holiday shoppers repeatedly lift them up and Pound them Down to see if any Needles fall off. So when dad brings a tree Home cuts its ropes and tries to Jam it into one of those ludicrously Flimsy ashtray sized a tree stands a which Are barely adequate to handle a Small Floral Centrepiece let alone an enraged full grown Conifer a the tree freed from its restraining ropes will immediately Start lunging violently in All directions while mom trying to be helpful says a wok now its leaning to the left. Of now its leaning to the right. Of now its leaning Back to the left. Of now its a meanwhile dad somewhere Down on the floor under the thrashing branches Pine sap smeared in his hair is fighting for his life bleeding from hundreds of tiny Pine Needle Stab wounds and saying Many non Holiday words. At least that a the tradition in our House. But getting Back to the associated press article there the boy was alone in his House trapped under a highly aggressive Christmas tree. Fortunately cookie saw what was happening trotted alertly Over to the boy and in the heroic tradition of resourceful canines Lassie and Rin tin tin threw up. No seriously the article states that the boy was Able to reach a phone and Call 911, whereupon a police and firefighters pulled the tree off the boy who was not  the article docs not state whether the police used tranquil Izer darts on the tree. So fortunately this Story has a Happy ending which is Good because the Holiday season should be a Happy time. So before we create the impression that there a nothing More to this very special time of year than tree attacks wed like to wish you the Best and leave you with this Holiday thought both Holly and Mistletoe Are poisonous. The Miami Horald  Mil itary life in Europe there is a movement to ban certain magazines that depict nudity in them from the stars amp stripes bookstores. Hey done to Stop with the playboys and penthouses. There Are More magazines to  the Sears Cata logs and All other Cata logs that have women a lingerie sections. Us tight sports illustrated and All other sports and muscle building Type magazines. By Charles Kaufman i Quot and Quot the sinful Tea co Jav be Post Felt by Tao by &kt5 Quot Road amp track car and Driver and All other Auto magazines. Donald Duck comics Donald Duck and Daisy Duck never have any pants on. <99i sunday december 6, 1992