European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 10, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Joe Bob Briggs goes to tie drive in his is the time of year when e always make my physical fitness resolutions. This year i plan to pull the cigarette machine lever three times a Day instead of my customary two. This creates additional firmness in the upper Arm and wrist. Because after All we can to be too careful with our health. And that a Why i Wanna share with you the Joe Bob Briggs review of new workout tapes. After All we live in the Era of a jinxed physical fitness signals. I mean Clinton jogs every morning a but he jogs straight into Mcdonald a. He exercises his legs every Day a but they still look like giant hammocks on a corny dog stick. He a supposed to be the youth president a and he wears a sweat shirt normally seen Only on nursing Home attendants. In other words you need a workout tape you can Trust in the �?T90s, a tape that will keep you fit and keep you fashionable at the same time and who better to provide one than. Marla Maples. That a right. Marla Maples journey to fitness is on the video shelves now and our girl has invested in a pair of hot Orange bicycle pants just for the occasion. A a done to think Ive gone through my life without worrying about my figure a a she warns us in a humanely Brief opening monologue. A at one Point i was 20pounds overweight Quot Marla Maples journey to fitness a yes in decay pantyhose Are required. Lets not dwell on it. Are you 97 years old but still want a daily aerobics routine try Dixie Carter s Unwor Kout a tape that does no to have a single moment of actual exercise anywhere in it. A tape so free of physical activity that you re Given the option of sitting on the floor in the Lotus position or if you done to like that just sitting in a chair. Dixie a opening monologue delivered in Ivory White lounging pyjamas includes references to osteoporosis a a orthopaedic problems and what to do a if your feet Are cold or subject to then Dixie gets Down on the carpet and shows us a How in be managed to maintain when i watched the Marla Maples tape i thought a now there a a woman with a great then i watched Cindy Crawford shape your body workout. No Marla you re a Stag. This Cindy Crawford tape is like a two hour mtg video of aerobics As an olympic sport. Cindy brings her personal Trainer on the video with her a Radu the mad romanian who looks like one of those sadists who coach girls gymnastics teams Radu kind of circles around in the background shouting out instructions like a head Rolls Quot and a rudder Way a and a a sideways a a and All this time Cindy is decked out in a Black swimsuit working her Tushie off in the most amazingly Complex series of exercises in be Ever seen a single human being do. She swings her legs in every direction including a a sideways a High kicks from a squat does leg lifts that Michael Jordan probably could t do does push ups uses weights does i7kindsofsitups, crunches twists curls Trice work butt work thigh work abdominal work and All the time she a gulping Waier and sweating breathing hard and Radu keeps egging her on deciding at one Point that she should do so butt done task not me to sit for Cindy Crawford. And All this time she has these great Steadicam shots of Cindy on Soho rooftops Cindy in a grungy studio Cindy on the Beach always doing three sets of these East european torture techniques and she a backed up by great music by primal scream and the Smithereens and other �?T80 bands and when she finished this thing i was exhausted. She does these things called a ship lets dwell on it. If you know what i mean and i think you do. Marla 2 stars. Dixie 3 stars. Cindy 4 stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. You la never forget it. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the Swap shop drive in in Delray Beach fla., was dismantled with our tax Money As part of a Federal Highway a beautification that leaves Only one operating drive in in Palm Beach county a the Trail drive in in Lake Worth. And people wonder Why East Germany collapsed. Vicki Bowles of Boca Raton reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Joe Bob a a Here a the comely colossus from the wild frontiers of Kodiak Alaska. And to think there Are Only 10 of the Over 300 eligible jetsam and flotsam wandering amiably around looking for his lost manliness Only he should be searching in the Hills of san Francisco with a Bongo drum under his Arm and his face with paint on it. Right Well 1 can Tell in a being Overly influenced by the Jack Kirovac tape in be been listening to so ill Stop while in a like gone Toni scalds Kodiak Alaska dear Toni do you gals really have 50�?o men Bird dogging you everywhere you go up there do the Gay Guys have to Wear grungy beards so nobody beats pm up dear Joe Bob a. Why do american women have big Bottoms and no breasts is it As a Friend suggests because of All the steroids in the food we eat is this condition really called Quot Colorado hip disease this is an important Issue. Thomas Mcgarry. Alameda Calif. Dear Tom _ Colorado hip disease is actually a Misnomer. The state with the widest hips according to Usa today is Missouri. If you be Ever been to the ozarks you know what they re talking about. A. Creators Syndicate a. Time for to to tune in to its viewers Linda Ellerbee to discuss the moaning of we with Joe Bob or to got tree junk in the mail and Joe Bob s world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe bobs lax line is always open .2t 4 368-2310. Pc were sitting around the production office working Ron a new television show making up a wish list of people we would like to be contributors. What we were looking for were journalists slightly younger and saner than Hunter s. Thompson. Journalists like . Of Rourke and Dave Barry a Only from television not newspapers and we think of any. Television news has marked intolerance for the cracked View. Over time the More colourful among us have been put out to pasture and Young stylish writ cars reporters have not been much encouraged. This was not an editorial decision. It had to do with money.,in their desire for the broadest possible Aii i enc television networks and stations have simply found it More useful to avoid the Well off Center. This is the Bland is better by cause you offend Lac fewest theory of television journalism. How sad that television news has attached so Little value to the writing of it. For instance if you write the words Tom Brokaw says every night you have an important Job but yours is not one of the higher paying jobs at Abc news. Not even close. In the Early �?T80s, when i worked on Abc news overnight i used to say they paid me to Anchor it but i wrote it for free. It was Only True. Not that you were actually penalized for Good writing. Mostly nobody writing is one of the things wrong with to news today and one of the reasons to news after All these years is no better than it is. There arc other reasons. Ten of them arc on a list that a popping up on bulletin boards in to newsrooms around America and in this reporters computer. The True Story about what a wrong with to news. 1. All the assignment editor wants to know How Fust can you get it shot 2. All the producer wants to know How Short can you make it 3. All the photographer wants to know do i have to set up lights. A. I 4. All the editor wants to know where arc the cutaways 5 All the reporter wants to know can i sell it to the network 6. A the Anchor wants to know if its a Long Lead in will i get to read it7,. All the news director wants to now will we get sued 8. All the general manager wants to know will it Cost us a sponsor 9. All the newspaper to critic wants to know. Can i make fun of it. 10. All the viewer wants to know Isnit that reporter doing her hair differently obviously this list was composed by some person or persons who be done Lime in television news. You have to be in it to know there a a Little bit of truth in each of those 10. However the 10th is the most misleading. That is not All the viewer wants to know. That is what most people who work in television news believe the viewer wants to know because they done to think much of their viewers but they Are wrong. A King fear bios Syndicate. January 10,1993 sunday a Page 21
