European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 10, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Hard fiber of Canadas attractions Dave Barry of 1 i to a time for those amazing canadians the popular feature wherein we examine the activities of our Friendly neighbors to the North and secretly wonder if they arc mixing their prescription medications again As you May recall when last we checked in on the canadians some of them were in a court of Law in Ottawa trying to induce a Python to crawl into a Toi let. At the time we thought this was unusual but we now realize that luring snakes into commodes during judicial proceedings is fairly Normal by Canad an standards we base this statement on several news items we received from Alert Reader Marylu Walters who lives in Alberta which is one of Canadas provinces the other one is Quot Bernice. These news items from the Edmonton journal concern the Small Alberta town of Glendon where there is a local food item called the Quot Progy Quot which is a kind of dumpling that can be stuffed with various foods such As cheese or sauerkraut. Pyro Gys arc very popular in Glendon a fact that gave the mayor Johnnie do Nanco an idea. See if you can guess what his idea was. Pause while you think up a Progy related idea of. Did you guess that or. Do Nanco wanted to Market  Progy maker or hold a pageant to Crown the Progy Queen wrong. That kind of limited thinking shows Why you re stuck with whatever dead end Hairball Job you have while Johnnie. Do Nanco is mayor of Glendon. A his idea was a we arc not making this up a to build the world s largest fibreglass Progy. And he did it too by raising 62,000 Canadian dollars via private donations and a Grant from the province government which knows a shrewd investment Opportunity when it sees one. According to the journal the giant Progy is Quot almost nine metres High and Quot weighs roughly 2,700  converting these figures from the metric system to the Normal human system. Lets see move the Decimal Over and Divide by the Cosine. I we see that this is a Large Progy. There a a color photograph of it in the journal it looks sort of like a Mammoth White Leech except that the designers put it on the tines of a huge up thrust steel Fork so that onlookers would realize that it is in fact a tasty food item. The purpose of the Progy is to attract tourists. Quot hey Marge a potential tourists As far away As Mobile ala., arc probably remarking at this very to. Mint. A a there a a giant fibreglass dumpling up in Rural Canada pack your suitcase a such is the Power of this Type of attraction. And that explains another journal news item that Marylu Walters sent us. This one concerns the Small Canadian town of Andrew which recently with the help of a provincial tourism Grant installed a get ready a the worlds largest fibreglass Duck. The journal says it has a wingspan of 7.2 meters and weighs Quot one tonne a which is How you spell a one Tony in metric. The Story quotes town manager Albert Holubowich As saying that the residents chose the Duck As their Symbol because Andrew is near a Duck Sanctuary. A it was either the Duck or a Chicken a he says a but a Chicken has no connection or bearing to the Village Quot we certainly agree with that. A giant Chicken would be ridiculous. But what we re concerned about is this suppose some tourists happen to find themselves exactly Halfway Between Andrei and Glendon. One Side of them would be attracted by the giant Duck and the other Side would be attracted by the giant Progy and they could literally explode right there on the spot causing severe damage to the wheat crop. We hate to bring this up but if we did no to wed have to get a real Job. And there a another recent Canadian development we feel you should know about. Many Alert readers have sent us an associated press report that begins As follows we arc still not making his up Quot Vancouver British Columbia a female snails in certain polluted coastal harbours have been turning into males and growing penises a researcher says. Snails undergoing the change which some scientists think is caused by tin based contaminants in the water have been found almost everywhere uni varsity of Victoria biologist Derek Ellis and his colleagues looked for  we re sure this alarming development is wreaking havoc in the Snail Community. A Guy Snail comes Home from a hard Day of sliding around hoping to have an intimate moment with his mate but when she finally lakes off her Shell. Yikes we Hope the Canadian authorities Are doing something about this. Their most Likely move would be to build the worlds largest fibreglass Snail Organ. You a go up to see it right we thought so. Done to drink the water. Next week results of the bad song Survey. The Miami Herald  a prior no military life in Europe by Charles Kaufman o f when you go info the left Lane of appears Millimetres from your bumper pass someone then suddenly out of flashing its headlights in a crazed nowhere a Mercedes Benz or porsche frenzy for you to move Over. A a How the exhaust pipes of european trucks come out he Side of their vehicle blasting your Cor with stinking diesel fumes of pc it i Era when the out Bohn exit is just o couple Hundred meters ahead Ond the Tor behind you suddenly zooms Post end then sharply cuts in front of you to Talce the exit. Sunday january 10, 1903