European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 17, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Miss manners Judith Martin dear Mlaka manner several years ago my Lovely adult daughter confided that she had been molested during her adolescence. She was baby sitting for a couple with whom we were Friendly and the children a father behaved criminally toward her As he took her Home. When she finally told me she insisted i take no action. We had moved to another state and her at tack re a family had moved away too. A few years ago we moved Back and one Day i answered a Knock at the door and found myself face to face with my child a molester. 1 was speechless wit h f Hock and reverted to the formula manners i Learned As a child which encapsulates to Quot never give 1 found myself chatting with the Man. When he and his wife and teen age daughter in came again and expressed a desire to return to the neighbourhood i was extremely cold. But still i Felt that i behaved in a cowardly manner to allow them in at daughter who lives with us insists that no a a scene a be made. I realize that i should have dealt decisively with this when he first arrived. What should 1 have done what can i do now further Contact with this Man is unimaginable although i Bear his poor wife no ill will. I am sure that she has no idea about the event that occurred 10 years is beyond the Normal Bounds of etiquette and although i can manage a fish Fork i have no readers Quot never give offence a is not a Correct Rute of etiquette. Almost never yes. But there Are times when one must choose to offend in preference to condoning or cooperating with those who arc not bound by standards of decent behaviour. Miss manners would like to Point out that it is that incorrect desire never to give offence that prevents children from fighting or exposing the and Varices of criminals is indeed a matter for Law rather than etiquette. Miss manners will not there fore discuss your daughter s decision. But etiquette does have a form for registering social condemn Tion which is what you Are in a position to do. You must Cut the Man dead. The Way to do this while meeting your daughters requirement that you not make a scene arid your own that you not involve his wife is to Send him a letter saying Quot my fan ily wants nothing to do with you. I m sure t Tell you the a a dear miss manners 1 wore a soft Pink evening dress to my granddaughters wedding which took place at 7 . And was Quot Black tic optional a a a optional because a number of guests were classmates of the Bride and Groom and were not into formal clothing. The rest of the females in my family wore very Nice Cotton dresses As though for a party luncheon. Some of the older folks wore evening dress. My sister and nieces chided me for being overdressed. Who is Correct gentle Reader overdressed for an evening wedding what do they consider a formal occasion the super bowl you were correctly dressed. Anyone who criticizes another guests clothing is incorrectly behaved and they get an extra 50 Points off for criticizing the. Brides grandmother. T dear miss manner friends arrived for a six Day visit bringing with them a Case of wine that we assumed was a gift to us for our hospitality. We provided breakfast lunch and dinner even taking them out for a meal. At no time did they take ,. Us out or bring any other gift into the House. T near the end of the visit our guests presented us with a Bill for the wine a of which they had drunk several bottles. Since there was a possibility that they thought we had asked for the wine we paid for it. At the time i wondered if there was something that needed to be said perhaps along these lines Quot your total nonparticipation in supporting this joint social venture makes us feel taken advantage nothing of the kind was said and now we Are struggling with resentment. Any suggestions gentle Reader you have already followed miss manners suggestion which would be to say nothing of the kind. But that should not prevent either Orte of us from having the satisfaction of thinking what could be said if one were willing to be rude. Since this is Only a fantasy because you were commendably incapable of being rude Why Settle for something so crude As a scolding Why not dream of sending them a Bill larger than the one they sent you but marked Quot corking fee Quot. United. Feature Syndicate a a fooling incorrect address your etiquette questions in Black or Blue Black Ink on White writing Papor to miss manners . Box 91428, Cleveland Ohk it 44101-3428. The Quill shortage prevents miss manners from answering through this Capricorn dec. 21-Jan. 19 comm. Nichting Well is important any correspondence you Send reflects on you Check or errors. Aquarius. Jan. 20-feb. 18 solving your Money problems takes planning and discipline set a budget and stick to it. Pisces feb. 19-March 20 you Are attracted to foreign places experience other cultures through their food drink and dress. Aries March 21-april 19 Progress you be Oriade recently seems to be slipping away. It s Only temporary. Remain patient. Taurus april 20-May 20 you can get your Way in most negotiations. The key is to think logically. Gemini May 21-june 20 you re next in Lino to receive a grand prize open yourself up to new avenues of acceptance. Cancer june 21-july 22 travel provides wonderful outlet for adventure. Keep a bag packed for Quick july 23-aug. 22 expand your knowledge and understanding through your contacts with other people. The More the merrier. Virgo aug. 23-sept. 22 opportunities to grow Are All around you be careful not to move too quickly or too far. Libra sept. 23-oct. 22 you can profit from investments made with joint resources. Protect your interests by being aware. Scorpio oct. 23-nov. 21 falling in love is easy but watch out. You re attracted to a mysterious person. Sagittarius nov. 22-dec. 20 feeling out of sync is an expected reaction. Your sense of timing is off. Make adjustments. A Copley nows service. Erma Bombeck w wednesday in Washington two baby Boomers will accept the Torch of re Sponski bitty for running this country. Those of us who gave birth to 77 million of these kids cannot help but have mixed feelings about that. On one hand they re finally doing what we pounded into them All these years a a done to just stand there and whine. Do something about it Aon the other hand we still perceive them As children. How can they possibly run the country when they can to remember to put Oil in their cars How can a Boomer who comes from a generation for whom cd arc compact discs balance the budget can a Boomer have the vision to Lead us out of recession when his contemporaries Cash a Check for $20 every time they pass an automatic Teller machine what kind of a world Leader wears shades plays the saxophone to relax and appears on weekends in loafers without socks a maybe wednesday is As Good a time As any for my. Generation to let go and let our children grow up. Remember the old car commercial where a dad and son or dad and daughter climbed into a car together and the younger was told a this is not your fathers Oldsmobile Well this is no longer your a the cry a country. It has a new set of problems the father of a grown child cannot possibly conceive. A the a when i was your age i had a wife a baby and a Home a speech does no to play. To this generation their speech will be a i had a car that would never outlast the payments and a $30,000 loan to pay off my babies Are luxuries for the Boomers. So arc clean air peaceful neighbourhoods and health care. We can talk All we want about Kinder and gentler times but the reality is they never knew them. They be heard stories that Harry Truman walked every morning in tie and Topcoat surrounded by the press with every. Step their president jugs every morning surrounded by secret service men. They Don t respond to wars like lemmings. They Arentt As shocked by infidelity and drug use As they be been raised in it. Patriotism and religion Are not something they Are evangelistic about. The american in me wishes president elect Clin ton and vice president elect a1 Gore the Best. The Mother in me still says Quot Billy and Al sit up straight or your spine will grow that Way. You can to afford a taxi you have to take a bus to the White House what can it Cost done to forget to Call a Quot Universal press Syndicate a no kidding presidents who did t attend successor s inauguration 1, John Adams Jefferson a inauguration 2. John Quincy Adams Jackson s 3, Andrew Johnson Grants 4. Woodrow Wilson Harding a Thomas Jefferson stayed in the White House the week after Madison a inauguration. World features Syndicate. Page 10 a sunday january 17, 1993
