European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 31, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Dreaming of a Green Christmas in Las vegas Dave Barry j ust before Christmas Beth and i being deeply traditional people went to Las vegas. We stayed at Caesars Palace a giant hotel Casino authentically decorated to look exactly the Way the roman Empire would have a looked if it had consisted mainly of Slot machines. Caesars also features 4 zillion flashing lights huge Toga Clad statues that move cocktail waitresses wearing costumes designed by Frederick a of Rome and a bar on an indoor boat that is actually floating. Quot Norm i think maybe you pc had enough you might splash Quot Man overboard Quot in other words by vegas standards Caesars is understated. Its a traditional Amish farm settlement compared to the Casino next door the Mirage which has a realty a dolphins Albino tigers an indoor rain Forest and an outdoor Volcano that erupts on schedule you re going to see More and More hotels installing volcanoes in response to demand from the business traveler also right behind the front desk is a giant aquarium containing Sharks. So you definitely should not mess with the Mirage. A a a Ere you planning to pay for those hotel towels in our suitcase Urbitt or would you prefer to take a Little swim Quot but you can to beat Caesars Palace for that old fashioned Christmas spirit. Each Day we went downstairs to the Casino at 8 . For breakfast and we found gamblers still up from the night before with. Drinks in their hands and cigarettes in their Mouths starring at cards and Yelling at Dice. Meanwhile Over tire Public address system Drifting  Smoky air came the voices of a choir singing. Hark the Herald Angels sing. ,. But the gamblers were not harking to the music at All. If the roof had opened up and the actual Herald Angels had Tome swooping into Caesars the Gam Biers would have kept right on gambling. And pretty soon the Angels would have stopped singing and started putting quarters into the Slot  difficult to resist the Slot machines and Las vegass designed so that you can to walk anywhere without encountering dozens of them. If you got injured in Las vegas and medical personnel rushed you to the Hospital i bet they a wheel your Stretcher past a Row of Slot machines on the Way to the operating room. And even if your  had become detached it would leap off the Stretcher by itself and yank on a handle. Such is the Power of the slots. The casinos arc basically dense Slot machine forests. You wander in there feed in quarters get free drinks from the thoughtful cocktail waitresses feed in More quarters glance at your watch and. Who a its 1997 people get lost in there. If you searched All the Slot machine areas you a probably find Amelia Earhart. You would not however find Beth. For some reason she was not attracted to the slots even though i demonstrated to her How entertaining they arc me of you put a Quarter in and you pull the handle and. Machine . Silence me a a now you put in another Quarter Beth Why Beth thinks casinos should offer More of what she described As Quot fun games the Type of entertainment for the family activities that people engage in to happily while away the hours. If Beth ran a Casino there would be a lit table surrounded by High Tollers in tuxedos and evening gowns and the air would be charged with excitement As a player rolled the Dice and the crowd would lean Forward and the shout would ring out. Quot he landed on Park place a but they done to play a lot of monopoly in the casinos. They do play a card game called Blackjack. I took a Blackjack lesson from a Friend of ours named Bob a Las vegas resident who is an expert Gambler although he makes his living a this is True a managing pension plans. Quot done to worry mrs. Bice mar. You re in a very solid investment position unless the lakers  Bob sat me Down and explained his simple winning Blackjack system which can be easily Learned in. Just a few minutes by anybody who is Stephen Hawk ing. Quot of a Bob said. A if you have less than 16, and the dealer has a six or higher showing then you should get another card unless you have a seven and a three in which ease you would double Down bearing in mind that an Ace can be a one or an 11 but not a two or a four or on weekends a nine unless you think the dealer might have the old maid in which Case. After i was confident that i had no idea what Bob was talking about i sat Down at a Blackjack table and immediately won about 10 hands in a Row by making a series of totally random decisions. Meanwhile Bob sitting next to me with his winning system was losing. I think it was his own Money but just in ease Check your pension plan i won $26, which i deposited in a Slot machine for safekeeping. Playing the machine next to me was a Man who i think might have been Jimmy Hoffa. In the background i could hear Angels singing Gloria in Excel Sis. They must have been winning the Miami Herald Mil Story life in Europe by Charles Kaufman a military conspiracy a \ Rumia d ,1 1 r Yve y. Pc a 1 r  a id1 n i  a Iother Little known military conspiracies. Vitu of tits fir a i Hurt a Al u a recent letter i iter to the stars anti stripes asked Tho question does an to show Lousy programs so cafes can Soli More video tapes thai s incl the Only military conspiracy going on. Cafes schedules the inspections of troops in Europe to increase military clothing related sales at the pm. The marines were chosen to go into Somalia because they did t get to do much in me 1991 Iraq War writ fwd a r a <0 a b in i t Var i. My a of chars cow do fax . A e. A a the commissary surcharge is really just a sales tax in disguise. A a 1/tf, at err pie i j / c7 ? a a i. L Jiff yet act Doo does t comp Down on cigarette smoking because smokers Cost the military less in the Long run. There have never been More than 500 . Troops stationed in Europe. All the bases a buildings activities and reports were faked to fool the commies pc inspectors Are in cahoots with the local cafes garage. Is Sif Vyr j or Tail cd i Jcj pm per the Pentagon is actually a receiving station for a group of out j paper pushing y humanoid like j r Sivji r a i is is la Jcj f aliens bom the planet Quot buro Krat Quot