European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 28, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Odds & ends miss vim us Juo Fth Martin of Mut met frs twice my wife and have been called a Day or two in Advance to substitute in couples Bridge groups. We accepted and made plans accordingly. In both instances we were called Back Only a few hours before the scheduled game and told that the couples for whom we were substituting would after All be Able to play. So we were  what should the Host s response be when a couple who previously said they would be unable to play then change their minds Yontl Rad it Why miss manners wonders do you want to play with people who Don t know or Don t follow rules the rules in this Case Are that people who agree Tofill in at social engagements Are doing their hosts a favor. Special care should be taken to see that having accepted one inconvenience they Are spared any others. They should be invited ahead of time on an other occasion to show that their presence is not Only valued when others Are not available. It was the couples who cancelled who should have been told sorry we be already found  what your hosts were doing would be the equivalent of calling a Misheal and then when another hand was dealt asking for the old one Back. Dear Mem Man a i a visitor is making a presentation to you and other colleagues in the office letting his usually it is a he gaze Drift from person to person. Then in the midst of making a Point per haps engrossed by this Effort he stops Drifting and stares you fixedly straight in the Eye. This May go on for 10 seconds before he comes to and resumes Drift ing often Only to Snag again on someone else. What can the stared at person do during this Peculiar form of pseudo intimate Public Contact nod Ding or smiling even slightly looks stupid to one s colleagues. Not reacting at All feels embarrassingly weird. Looking away could be taken As rude. I was once advised to focus on the tip of the speaker s nose but that seems even Ruder. I doubt that the staring speakers realize they Are doing this at All but i am at a loss to figure out what if any facial response they would be least put off by. Sometimes i be noticed that a visible nod or Eye brow raise puts them off their stride worst of All. Gentle readers you have your instructors who come up with notions such As the tip of the nose one in for Collins London England thai you have the Good sense to reject and those speaker have theirs. Their Art advising them to find sympathetic Lis Tener and establish Eye Contact to that they teem actually to be talking to people rather than past them. Signal Back rejection and they will probably go looking for another line of work perhaps in mid speech. Yet go into complicated animation and they will forget what they Are saying. The kindest thing for the listener to do is to brighten the look in the eyes and to move the lips Al most imperceptibly into a half smile. Miss manners assures you that not even pseudo intimacy is involved in the unspoken question is anybody listen ing and a politely encouraging response. Ten seconds is not Long to suffer for an act of Charity. And Don t worry about your colleagues they arc either listening or daydreaming but in any Case not watching  Mist manners my dad died More than 20 years ago and at the time i agreed that it would be wasteful for people to spend Money on Floral arrangements that he would never see or enjoy when that Money could be used by Irving people. In lieu of  seemed like a reasonable alternative. But in the past several years i be begun to fee that bereavement Are being used As fund raisers. I be been requested to contribute to political parties charities i consider questionable and religious organizations that have a history of persecuting mine. Frankly i have extremely limited Means and Don twant to support causes that i Don t believe in but i Don t want to disrespect a family and contribute to Charity that they might not wish to support. Nor to Send Flowers when that is clearly not wanted. Gentle Reeden funeral Flowers Are a Symbol of respect for the deceased not a mistimed present that Only their relatives realize arrived too late for them to enjoy. V that said miss manners does not object to the naming of a Chari Ryin connection with a death provided it is understood that this is a Mere suggestion for anyone so inclined. The idea is to do something in keeping with the deceased person s wishes or sympathies rather the to use the Opportunity to further one s own charitable causes. But none of this excuses concerned people fro their primary duty which is to pay a visit or write a letter in order to express both appreciation of the person who died and sympathy for the immediately bereaved. A letter is a letter not an impersonally printed card to which one merely signs one s name and for which one can hardly expect an outpouring of gratitude. These Cost you Little besides your time but that is the most generous thing you can donate to sad people. United feature Syndicate feeling incorrect address your etiquette question in Black or Blue Black Ink on White writing paper to miss manners. . Box 91428, Cleveland Ohio 44101-3428. The Quill shortage prevents miss Man ners from answering questions except through this column. I found this stuff when i drained the  kids turned off by Home meals not ready to eat Erma Bombeck have always been stunned 4fl�n restaurant posts a sign that reads Home  the population would eat at Home i they thought it was that great and the other half does t even know what Home cooking is. Eating at Home is something 1 could never get our kids excited about the biggest form of punishment i could threaten them with was shape up or i la sen you to bed with dinner for years mothers thought they could actually compete with fast foods. 1 could have propped my Mouth open with a Fork and had my kids yell their orders into it but it still would t have been the same. They still would have wanted to eat out. Even the Best Cook in the world can t duplicate a hot dog served from a trailer at the Ballpark dropped in the dirt and drowned in watered Down " Mustard. I can t remember when we started to refer to eat ing out As a treat but i remember Why. Home cooking fell out of favor because stupid rules were enforced at the family dinner table. Children were not allowed to pull up a chair for the dog at dinner. He had to hide under the table and lick their fingers every Chance he got. Parents lost it when their children tried to have fun with their food such As dangling French Fries from their noses or hanging an onion ring Over each ear. Children could t spit on their food if they did t like it. They had to say no thank you i Don t like  " to children realize Early that ambiance is work. There Are dishes and silverware to Wash and dry napkins to fold and crumbs to sweep up. With fast foods you just bag it and Send it to that big Landfill in the sky. I have grown kids who eat breakfast in their cars fax orders for lunch and go out to dinner. Their refrigerators hold film. They store Tennis balls in their microwaves. I gave one of them a wok for Christmas. What s it for he asked. You can dump a lot of vegetables and a Little meat in it and make dinner i said. Where Are the vegetables and the meat he asked rummaging through the tissue you have to buy  at the same place where i can carry out i suppose  during a recent visit i lifted the lid of his  unpaid Bills were stored there. Universal press Syndicate no kidding Cleopatra s love life 1. Married a brother 2. Mistress of Julius Caesar 3. Married another brother and poisoned him 4. Lived with Mark Antony for 12 years 5. Rejected by Octavian Don t know much about geography j Page 10 sunday february 1993