European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 25, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Re amp wit  How to handle infinitives James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art  that we should never split an infinitive. Really then it must be said that what everyone knows in this in it stance is hokum. From Usa today a some mayors have grown critical of the administration for failing to and Cru Atchly defend the stimulus  i would leave the split untouched. Nothing is gained by a failing adequately to defend the stimulus  the Wall Street journal a emr. Perot declined a request to explain whether he considers it permissible to surreptitiously collect information about the private lives of his  i would put the riven infinitive Back together and make it read Quot permissible to collect information surreptitiously about the private  from the new York times a the president and his advisers were wrestling with How to quietly urge is. Baird to  in a in doubt but my ear tells me to recast the sentence a were wrestling with How to urge is. Baird quietly to  from the Seattle Post intelligencer a to genuinely understand editing and the pain it causes a person has to be a writer or a eunuch a i would leave this construction alone. There a no place to put a a genuinely except in the Middle of the infinitive. From the associated press last year. A Paul e. Tsongas plans to formally endorse gov. Bill Clinton on  this is a close Call. Would it make a More effective sentence to read it a plans to endorse gov. Clinton formally on wednesday in a not sure. From the new York times a a agreement has been reached on a bipartisan plan to radically steer the Clinton budget away from higher taxes and More spending  i would shift the adverb so that the sentence would read a a bipartisan plan to steer the Clinton budget radically away from higher  what i am suggesting is that there is no compelling reason to avoid split infinitives. As a general proposition yes we should keep parts of verbs together but general propositions Are not binding rules. When in doubt about splitting read your sentence aloud shifting the adverb around. Changing the subject Back in the 11th Century a French moralist warned against mistaking false Gold for True Gold. This seemed such sound advice that Shakespeare wrote in the merchant of Venice a a All that listers is not Gold a often you have heard that  Well old Bill had it wrong and writers have been getting the construction wrong Ever since. From the new York times a while no one likes to pay taxes All tax increases Are not created  what Lester Thurow meant to say was that not All tax increases Are created equal. From columnist Paul Greenberg a no All doctors Are not  come now surely a few doctors Ross Perot and collecting data surreptitiously. Must be greedy but the sentence exonerated All of them. I blame these boners on old Bill. His ear told him that it would sound wrong for the fair Portia to Gull the Prince of Morocco by writing a not All that listers is  Shakespeare went for cadence. Those of us who remain untouched by Genius would be better advised to note that not Alt contemporary writers get their negatives straight. Universal press syndic hearts a problem that will make you ache Tony Kornheiser to a few weeks ago i began to notice that something was wrong with my hearing. The tip off was that one night the children were watching the Mclaughlin group not my children mine were watching reruns of the Patty Duke show. I bring in other people s children to make it appear that we Are an intelligent household in Case life Magazine sends a photographer Over. Anyway i  hear John Mclaughlin. He was talking and gesturing animatedly but no words were coming out. It was As though he were choking on a can of Babo. No such Luck. I ignored the problem the first night because it did no to seem like a problem who cares about Mclaughlin but the next night when i  hear americans funniest Home videos i went Batzold. After repeated sophisticated testing procedures i covered one ear with a 32-ounce last action hero souvenir Slurpee Cupi found i could t hear a thing in my right ear. It w As apparent to me As i knew it would be to any physician with a degree from an american medical school that a brain tumor the size of a fully ripened big boy Tomato was encroaching on my brain and would kill me by thursday. I called my doctor and described my symptoms and asked him to recommend a neurosurgeon. He agreed that it was probably a brain tumor but asked me to humor him and go to an ear doctor. The ear doctor technically a a a ornithologists looked in my right ear and asked in the same disapproving voice a person might use to say inquire whether i regularly inject heroin directly into my carotid artery a do you use a tips to clean your ears a i sensed by the Way he asked the question that a tips weren to Good. But i Felt that if i told him the truth a that i do not use a tips because they Are so Prissy that instead i regularly dig my fingers into my ears and grind around in there until i relieve the itch and that there Are times when the itch is so annoying that i will gladly shove anything even a shish Kebab skewer in there a i Felt if i told him that truth he would find me hygienically repulsive As you Are undoubtedly doing at this particular moment poised As you Are with that spoonful of Wheatena Frozen at your lips. It was easier to live with him judging that i was stupid than that i was a Caveman. So i said a yeah i use  he frowned. A a they re not for the ears a he said. What exactly Are a tips for to paint the foyer the doctor told me to lie still. He said a a in a going to take something out of your ear the size of the National  i giggled. Unfortunately i was the Only one giggling. After a few twists he removed something the size of an Eraser a no not the Small tip of a no. 2 Pencil Eraser the big Arrowhead shaped Eraser that you fit Over the Small Square tip a from deep inside my right ear. He showed it to me triumphantly holding it up like it was a Bone fragment from Zachary Taylor. 1 feared it was alive. I did no to know whether to step on it or put it on a Leash. Have you Ever seen a banana that had been lying in the Street since 1989, when it was run Over by an Oil truck then some dog got hold of it and dragged it around and then in the heat it had begun to Bubble and ooze you would sooner Frame that and hang it in your newly painted foyer than look at what came out of my ear. A a a in a so embarrassed a i said. He smiled then worked on my left ear a my Good car a and removed something similarly revolting. A this is humiliating a i said. The doctor assured me that he sees this All the time. I made him Promise not to Tell Columbia journalism review. A a you la be amazed at How much sharper your hearing is now a the doctor told me. A Why Are you Yelling a i asked him. Some will ask the lesson in All this. Most people wont even get this far however. They quit this column when i mentioned  the lesson is truly wondrous a the human body is a miraculous creation of god. B god has a shockingly adolescent sense of humor. Which leads me to our president William Walrus Clinton. The pictures i saw of this Guy swimming in Hawaii geez he must be pushing 245 pounds. Was that dieting just for the election he a like the Bride who slims Down to a Dainty size seven walks Down the aisle and then proceeds to pork up on Moon pies and within six months she becomes the Hinden Burg with Little feet. Talk about love handles a you could grab hold of Clinton and ride to the Moon. Speaking As a Man of Clinton a generation and Waist size i done to think the country should see either of us in a bathing suit. The Washington Post ran two pictures a one of Clinton swimming and the other of Willy the whale in the movie free Willy. And believe me great care was taken in writing the captions. X creators syndic i Page 24 sunday july 25, 1993