European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 07, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Words & wit As exciting As a week old simile contest . Kilpatrick the writer s Artt he great simile contest of 1993 is Over Tharak heaven and the tidying up begins. Let me sift through the debris. The contest sought similes for Slen Der and in the first division the Winner was As slender As Cinderella s in the second As exciting As a poached what made them winners they were original they evoked Universal image Sand they were not flawed by unnecessary words. Less is More said Browning and the Maxim applies Here. We had several Ankles among the 20,000 entries As slender As a Heron s ankle As slender As a tall blonde Ballerina s ankle As slender As the ankle of a race horse and so on but Only Cinderella s ankle seemed exactly right. In the mind s Eye we see the Prince , and Cinderella extending her foot and everything Clicks into place. The Best similes have a sense of cadence. From Bellingham wash., came this simile sarcastic As exciting As the slides of an Iowa the Trou ble was that Iowa did t fit. Meaning no offence to Manhattan or Topeka i have to suggest that Kan Sas would have improved the line As exciting As the slides of a Kansas the two syllable Kansas contributes to a a acrylic foot and dactyl make Lovely pets and quiet companions. From Columbus Ohio came As exciting As a two Point Rise in my the idea was Good but the simile lacked oomph. How about As exciting As a $2 Rise in a $10 Stock similes should have no unnecessary words. From Zionsville ind., came As exciting As a double match Point at the . Open in Flushing the in Flushing Meadow was redundant. Knock it off and the simile comes to life. A gentleman in san Antonio proposed As Slen Der As a quark in the Middle of a double a doctor in Longview wash., submitted Tongue in Check As slender As a Sylph s synd osmosis. Well Hadrons Are made of quarks and synd osmosis has something to do with ligaments and membranes butout of town words do not a Good simile make. Most of the also ran similes suffered for want of originality. Hundreds of contestants offered the same similes for slender. Things were As slender As Hummingbird s beak a spiderweb a Blade of grass a strand of Spaghetti a toothpick and a Pool Cue. We had comparisons to Barber poles ski poles phone poles and pole vaulting poles. Things were As Slen Der As contrails wisps of smoke dental floss soda straws Popsicle Sticks and anorexic snakes. Some similes carried a note of poignancy. From Cro Beach fla., came an entry from a 72-year-old widow. She had a simile for slender As slender As this old girl s Chance of getting another Loving a woman in Tulsa okla., sadly submitted As exciting As kissing my husband of 40 assume we will have another great simile con test next year and because so Many entrants offered As slender As a Lousy $50 prize in a National con test i will sweeten the pot. Let me have your suggestions. In the great simile contest of 1991, we required whole sentences. A Good or bad idea meanwhile please keep citations coming to me of howlers boners boo Boos and Good stuff too. Universal press Syndicate. Flipping through Packwood s dear old diary Tony Kornheiser dear diary routine Day. Sponsored pro Choice legislation. Voted loopholes for Timber Industry. Attended surface transportation subcommittee hearing. Copped a feel from that Blond Page with the fishnet stockings in the Mai room. Dear diary watched tapes from the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings. Pubic hair on the Coke can god that Man is smooth. Dear diary the newspaper says i made unwanted sexual advances to More than two dozen female aides associates and who said they were unwanted wanted them. What s this country coming to when a United states senator can t rub up against a Young woman in the elevator and stick his Tongue Down her Throat what Are we in Russia dear diary did a a and a this morning at a fund Raiser. Someone asked me sen. Packwood what s these Cret of selecting a Good staff so i told that great Story about How i needed a legislative assistant. I interviewed three women. One from Harvard. One from Yale. One from Brown. Each one was smart As a whip. I said this is a very difficult Choice but difficult choices Are what leadership is All then i hired the one with the biggest Hooters. A a a. God that s a funny joke. Dear diary read where Bob Hope was sleeping with All the Birbo starlets he Tomsk on the Uso Tours. Remind me to ask los Aspin How i can get on a Uso tour. Tug Pha Nicra pack Ocsid stakes a6ain ? dear diary .1 think i m making Progress with the big redhead with the Lilac perfume who lobbies for Cable to. I spotted her in the Dirksen building and i asked her what s your sign she said "40 percent off every thing on this i told her i was a Taurus. She said i m a dear diary told ethics committee i kept a diary. Dear diary my god they want to subpoena my diary. What do i do now dear diary hrs Mem i fondly remember the time when John Glenn was dead drunk on the Balcony of the no i fondly remember the time when Pat Moynihan was Down on All fours Buck naked pre tending no i recall with great glee when Strom Thurmond first suggested we run Nancy Kassebaum through the Tail Hook no i be got it who would have Ever believed that Alan Simpson would dress up As a taiwanese Candy Striper and yeah let s see them subpoena this. Dear diary today i revealed that my diary was 8,200 pages Long single spaced and i be been working on it every Day for 25 years one of my staffers calculated that s enough for 30 full sized books. Norman Mailer has t written that Many words and he s an author. That s longer than the great Wall of China. Geez it s even longer than Clinton s health care Bill. Us of now i have to Wade through it get rid of any reference to cheating on my taxes stuffing dead bodies in the trunk of my car and removing the tag on my mattress. That s All i need some two bit democratic senator screaming criminal misconduct dear diary hit one out of the Park today told the Senate i named names in my diary. You should be seen them scramble. Only Teddy Kennedy took it in stride he got me in the cloak room and said i bet Chris Dodd 50 Bucks that my name is in there More dear diary Why is everybody so upset with me does t everyone take extensive notes on their friends sex lives 0 dear diary i read Colin Powell got $6 million for his Book. Hah can he put Schwarzkopf in the tidal Basin wearing Only swim fins and a Holster with the first three runners up in the miss nude Cherry Blossom pageant i can do that with two members of the House leadership dear diary hired a literary agent. The Post Page 24 sunday november 7, 1993
