European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 23, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                /-Uuf-lav5 have no fear radiation really does Bear fruit Dave Barry aviation is a doubled edged sword. It can be our deadly enemy As when it leaks out of a nuclear reactor and harms innocent people. Yet it can also be our Friend As when it leaks out of a nuclear reactor and harms Donald Trump. Another example dentists use radiation in the form of a rays to determine which of our Teeth Are still real so they can grind them into stumps and cover them with improved space age materials Cost ing thousands of dollars per ounce. Yet those very same a rays if we Are overexposed to them can cause us to look like Willie Nel son. I base this statement on my own dentist Stanley Krugman. He is a Fine person and a skilled professional but he looks Way too much like Willie Nel son for it to be a result of natural causes. When he works on my Teeth i m always expecting him to burst into song Darlin won t you come Back soon and spit mouthwash in my Spittoon. 1 recently received another example of bad Radia Tion from Alert Reader Laurie Belin who sent me a up article that should be of grave concern to All those individuals who use furniture. The article which i am not making up begins. Moscow a russian businessman who die recently of mysterious causes was apparently killed by his chair which was found after his death to be highly radioactive russian newspapers reported Fri Day. The article goes on to state investigators discovered that the deadly office chair was the source of 1.5 million times More radioactivity than Normal background Levels. It was not known How the chair became radioactive but there have been other incidents in Moscow where Ordinary household items and even foods have been found to be  your reaction to this article As a compassionate human being is How can i get a chair like that for certain people in my office particularly the Cretin who will not Stop humming Gary Puckett songs no seriously your reaction is to be shocked but also to be reassured by the belief that while there might be radioactive chairs in Russia there would never be any Here. I wish i shared your optimism. I wish i could Tell you that when i contacted the american chair Council a spokesperson informed me that every chair sold in this country is subjected to a rigorous radiation testing process wherein an inspector sits in it for a certain period of time and notes on a clip Board whether or not he Dies. But i m afraid i cannot Tell you this and do you want to know Why because there is no american chair  and even if there were i am Way too Lazy to Contact it. This is a perfect example of the lackadaisical who cares attitude that pervades our society and makes us perfectly capable of producing radioactive chairs or food. Take a close look at Lucky Charm Cereal and then try to Tell me that it does not involve massive doses of atomic Energy so we have reason to be concerned. But we should not panic. We should simply make whatever lifestyle adjustments Are necessary to reflect the fact that every single object we come into Contact with could kill us and then we should put it out of our minds. Perhaps it will help if we remember that radiation also benefits Mankind in ways that were never before possible. I am referring As you May already have guessed to microwave grape racing. I found out about microwave grape racing from Greg Jacobs a student at my Alma mater Haverford College official motto no dammit i did not say Harvard. Basically Here s How it works you put a thin film of Sunflower Oil on the floor of your microwave oven and then you line some grapes up against one Side with the holes pointing at the Wall. Then you turn the microwave on full Power which heats the grapes interiors until steam goes shooting put the holes thus turning the grapes into Little organic rocket engines that scoot across the lubricated oven floor. Warning the procedure described in the previous paragraph is not approved by the american microwave Council if there is such a thing and could be hazardous to your health. On the other hand we have already established that your Spatula could be giving off More radiation than chernobyl so what do you care.  son Rob and i held some microwave grape races after taking the Standard precaution of making sure that my wife was not Home. It was entertaining although Many of the grapes and i blame the Clinton administration lacked the will to win. Only a few grapes actually moved and rarely in the right direction. The rest either spun in circles or exploded right at the starting line. This was More fun to watch than say the Indianapolis 50q, where you usually have to sit through Many laps to see that kind of action. Thus we see that radiation if used wisely can pro vide important benefits to humanity for Many years to come. Although you personally might not see this come to pass especially if you Are touching this newspaper with your Bare hands. The Miami Herald Page 23 sunday january 23,