European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 15, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 20 the smoke about Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in i guess in a the last Guy in the world who thinks cigarettes Are of. Please done to kill me. Lately there have been a slew of articles and news Magazine shows about How evil the tobacco companies Are. They re actually trying to get people to smoke cigarettes. Listen up. That a their purpose inline. I already anew this. I did no to need Diane Sawyer to Tell me about it. Every time i see a big tobacco Leaf come up on the screen and giant letters that say a the tobacco Industry a i already know the next words Are not Gonna be a Friend of the american in the �?T50s and 60s, there were documentaries on tobacco that actually tried to let both sides speak. They done to even try anymore. If they do have any interviews with a tobacco company spokesman they set the camera Down at around Shoelace level shoot up into the Guys nostrils and zoom in for closeups of the sweat oozing out of his neck. This is so Well All know he a a liar. Why bother its like watching a show on the Kun flux klan. We done to sit there in suspense wondering whose Side the network is on. Anyhow As a person who sometimes still sits in the smoking Section a please done to kill me a i Wanna say a few things in favor of the wicked Weed people. Numero Uno a cigarette is Only one of the Legal things that can Kilt you. Jack Daniels Bud Weiser and Beanie we execs Are equally lethal. And in every Case you die in the same Way. You use too Golding much of it. When John Candy died i done to think anybody called for a ban on pasta. Numero two of it says on the package a this Here cigarette can kill you. Since Only grown can buy it if s none of our business Numero three of tobacco was the first american crop. Its historic. Its part of our heritage. And for the first 300 years we grew it nobody cared. You can task people to invest in a business for 300 Gol Dang years and then suddenly Tell pm Quot of that a it we be changed our Numero four of the reason the tobacco companies Are so powerful is that in the Early �?T70s, tobacco advertising was banned on to the first time the first amendment was steamrolled and stomped on in this country. That Means that Only the brands that existed in 1971 a Marlboro Winston Kool and the lighter ones owned by those same companies like Virginia slims a could survive. Nobody else could get into the Market because they get their advertising message out. Speaking of things North Carolina should be proud of Tony Elwood the one Man Charlotte film Industry has made a new flick and this time he has scan Bridgers Andrew Porter to Road kill Usa qualified for the Prive in olympics. You might re a member Tony As the Guy who made killer two years ago for $9,000. I called it the cheapest drive in movie Ever made but other people have come Forward since then to claim they made Mem cheaper. Anyhow Here it is a Road kill Usa a a the Story of a typical psychotic White trash couple careening across the Back highways of the South with a hapless Good Ole boy teen lager in the Back seat trying to figure out Why they keep driving All through the night and giggling about whoever they just carved up clubbed to death or crushed to death with a Hydraulic lift. This is a great funny sick weird Road movie and. Tony did two things to move up into the big leagues 1. He hired actual professional actors. A 2. He included a scene in Joe bobs drive in in order to suck up to me and get a Good review. It worked. A this movie is so Good that if i Tell you what happens it la spoil the whole thing. Great Job. Best of the year. And even though Tony does no to want me to Tell you How much he spent on this one lemme just say it was less than Schindler a list. In fact it was less than Schindler a grocery list. Nine dead bodies. Two by four to the forehead. Steel pipe to the Skull. Throat slitting. Neck slicing. Kneecap shooting. Gratuitous foul mouthed hitchhiking circus Clown. Drive in Academy award nomination for Andrew Porter As the sneering redneck ringleader for saying a living is the key to All four stars Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to theopeles socialist Alert the Auto vue drive in in Trail British Columbia is about to throw in the Towel. Owners Mike and Sharon Radulovich who bought the place in 1968, say its not very pleasant to have nights when Only 20 cars show up and they had to cancel the popular a triple horror nights last season after a lot of fights and vandalism caused damage to trucks. Michael Mcquarrie of North Vancouver reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob have you seen the new Grace Kelly stamp i used such a stamp to Send this letter to you. Grace Kelly what a babe i become sexually aroused when i lick a Grace Kelly stamp. Is this Normal what should i do lonely in Oakland dear lonely whatever you do done to buy the Henny Youngman stamp. Joe Bob monday night wac ran a Quot classic italian �?T60s a a arts film the witches from Dino de Laurentis. This epic a starred Quot Clint Eastwood As a Man having marital problems like him speaking English and the wife speaking italian. Great opening sequence. I was impressed. Elizabeth Lowe new York dear Elizabeth Dino is of course the producer who uttered the immortal words a when Monkey die everybody creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob. Or to get free junk in the mail and his world famous newsletter. The Joe Bob report write Joe Bob Briggs . To 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax Tine is always open 214 368-2010. Memories of Linda Ellerbee i read in variety that Peter Hackes had died. You May not remember Peter Hackes although ire was a radio and television news correspondent for Abc news for Many years. But he was not a Star. Once after he left Abc Hackes was in a movie. The name of the movie was broadcast news which was a very Good movie about changes going on in broadcast news. I know hundreds of people former employees of the networks who agreed that the funniest scene in broadcast news was when the smarmy but smiling network president tells the experienced producer that the producer is not being fired he a merely being retired 15 years Early a and then asks the poor producer if there s anything he can do for him. A yes a says the grading soon to be out of work Veteran a i Hope you die i remember that when the movie came out there were people who claimed that broadcast news. Wasny to really like broadcast news. Quot its Only a movie a they said. Really consider this. In 1975, a major american network hired this Hotshot local television reporter to be a National correspondent. Female. Not too Well educated. Not too experienced. Nevertheless she was hired to cover the . Congress. She moved to Washington showed up at the Bureau and was told by her new Boss to take herself Down the Hall to room 163. Her own office. Only problem was when she opened the door to her very own office she found a Man already in it. Working. The woman went Back up the Hall to her new Boss to Tell him that someone made a mistake. Her new Boss sputtered. It seems there were these budget cuts and Well there was this reporter. Of he had plenty of experience but he Wasny to you know a cosmetically and so explained her new Boss the network had decided to relocate the Man. The woman asked what that meant and was told that meant the fellow was being relieved of his responsibilities As a television journalist so he could have plenty of time to devote to his new responsibilities As a radio journalist a at about half the pay. Trouble was they a sort of forgotten to Tell him this before they a hired someone else to take Over his television office and his television Job. The gentleman in room 163 might have reacted in several ways. He might have strangled the Boss or the woman or both. What he did instead was to Clear out of his office introduce the woman around Capitol Hill answer hundreds of questions from her about How things worked and which one was the speaker of the House and where was the bathroom. What he did was made it possible for her to do what they let him do anymore a class act he was which May explain Why during another round of budget cuts he was Quot Given Early retirement. Cut to 1988. That same woman now a former network news reporter herself sits in a theater watching broadcast news grinning at the smarmy but smiling network president played with visible glee not by an actor but by a former network news reporter. And class act. His name was Peter Hackes. I often wonder who has our old office now. And so it goes. A kor to features Syndicate sunday May 15, 1994
