European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 29, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse This pile of movie scripts sure needs help Joe Bob Briggs goes to the. Drive in people Send me these screenplays. You realize How desperate you have to be to Send me a screenplay i mean after you Send it to the Heads of the five major Hollywood studios who else would be on that list let s see. Steven Spielberg Martin Scorsese 17 thousand other people who can get movies made and then Joe Bob Briggs. So i wonder what would happen if one Day i read one of these. Screenplays and said a this is Brilliant a would the 17,000 people who have rejected it All suddenly say a whoa hold on there Joe Bob tikes this one a and then bid the Price on it up to a Mil lion get Julia Roberts and Kevin Costner on the phone and.,. A nah i guess not. Anyhow for those of you so pitiful that you Are planning to Send me your screenplay Here Are a few suggestions based on the 1,200 rejected screenplays in be read so far. They might save you a Little time. For example please Don t Send me any More stories where the psychiatrist is the main character or where the main relationship is Between a patient and his or her shrink. Maybe its just me but when you get to the 70th Page of somebody lying on a sofa saying a and then my Mother used to take Candy away from me Quot my mind starts to wander just a Little bit. Please done to Send me anything called a a night of the living dead for the �?T90s.&Quot has it Ever occurred to you that nobody went to see the Many night of the living deals for the �?T70s and �?T80s? Don t Send me any scripts about 45-year-old women falling in love with a Man who so not just another one in the Long line of apparently this idea has been work shopped somewhere we be already got several thousand versions of the Story so i think As soon As Debra Winger is available we can Roll camera. Done to Send me any outer space scripts where everybody is a cyborg. Done to Send me any scripts described As a the next Reservoir dog where everybody Dies in the last scene. V / a. A ,. A please please please done to Send me any scripts about grandma. Please done to Send any scripts that include the line a a we be got please done to Send any scripts about mercenaries in South America mercenaries in Southeast Asia mercenaries in Africa or mercenaries assaulting an a Island and most important of All please done to Send any scripts about a the everyday life of anybody. Its those scenes in the cappuccino bars where everyone says Quot i just adore the cinnamon Toast they make me sick for weeks. Other than that go for that Oscar speaking of movies we think we be seen before saturday night special the film debut of country Singer Billy Burnette seemed mighty familiar when i saw it. And its because the great Roger Corman a movie producer Extraordinaire apparently recycled one of his old erotic thriller scripts scene for scene and almost word for word. Unfortunately senile Tafia. It amp a s ? a a a a Billy Burnette Maria Ford in saturday night special to is setting in. I can to remember the name of the movie but i do know it starred Julie Carmen in the role now played by scream Queen Maria Ford anyhow what we got Here is the Story of a bored Honky Tonk waitress blonde Beauty Ford married to a Loudmouth redneck bartender played by Rick Dean and they spend All their time watering Down the liquor counting their Money and going fishing. Then one Day Billy Burnette climbs Down out of his pickup starts playing guitar and singing in the club and pretty soon he and Maria Are aardvark ing All Over the county. Actually its Maria that does most of the work. For the first time in movie history its the male actor who insists on keeping All his clothes on during the sex scenes. Billy even keeps his shirt on. And he kisses like a dead Wall eyed Bass. Four dead bodies. Four breasts. Four brawls. A whole Heck of a lot of Long Boring country songs. Gratuitous spouse abuse. Drive in Academy award nominations for Ford who puts the Only a erotic thriller Quot for saying a please done to make me do this while she shaving sex Dean As the sleaze Ball and Burnette for wearing his hat at the proper Angle and successfully delivering the line Quot divorce him Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the Finger lakes drive in on routes 5 and 20 in Aurelius n.y., continues to pack Mem in and give Mem a show thanks to 80-year-old owner Frank Feocco who refuses to close Down even during pouring rainstorms. This drive in is known for the tradition of giving every kid a free Lollipop at the Gate and tickets Are still $3.50 for the nightly double feature. Bradley Grinnell of Rochester reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Joe Bob did you see dances with wolves in my opinion this is a big budget mainstream rip off of a red i mean both films Are about soldiers who Are supposed to kill the enemy army but end up Jiding with them. Does anyone else agree with me on this let history note that the drive in did it first. Terry Maher Stow Ohio dear Stow Quot Quot once again we be caught that sly dog Kevin Costner stealing from Dolph Lundgren. Done to get me started. Creators Syndicate cancer Linda Ellerbee Huck died of cancer two years ago this a Spring. He was 46. Robert died of cancer in january. He was 44, Reese has Colon a cancer. He is 44. Nancy has ovarian cancer. She is 48. Carole has breast cancer she is 45. Cecilia has breast cancer. She is 47. Annette has breast cancer. She is 37. These people either arc or were when they were alive friends of mine. None of them smoked yet they All got cancer. A i do not understand this. I do not understand Why so Many people i know have gotten cancer. I done to recall my parents at the age i am now having so Many friends with cancer this is not scientific of course but it seems to me that More people Are getting cancer today and they re getting it younger. Docs it seem so to you. If it does perhaps there s a reason. The journal of the american medical association published a study recently that said White men born during the Middle of the baby Boom Are three times As Likely to get can cers unrelated to smoking As their grandfathers were and White women born during the same years a 1948 through 1957 a Are 30 percent More Likely to develop cancers unrelated to smoking than their grandmothers. The study involved Only Whites because according to the researchers statistics on other races were not Complete enough to be reliable. When i m counting the people i know with cancer i done to count myself because for years i did smoke although so far there appears to be no connection Between smoking and breast cancer which 1 had. The incidence of cancer is up among All Ages and Down deep in our hearts we know Why. We re just waiting for the scientists to confirm what we know that we have done it to ourselves. We have broken a Basic Law of survival. We have poisoned our nest our environment has turned on us and it is killing us. I can to proved that but i sure do believe it. In a not alone. According to Devra Lee Davis a senior adviser to the assistant health Secretary of the department of health and human services same types of tutors that Farmers Are dying of also Are increasing in men of the baby Boom the thing about Farmers is that they Lead generally healthier lives. They suffer less heart disease and lung cancer. But Farmers die More often of prostrate cancer brain cancer Bone cancer and skin cancer and non Hodgkin a Lymphoma. Quot that could be linked to their chronic Contact with engine exhausts solvents animal viruses sunlight and fuels a she said. Quot now the general Oputa Tion has been exposed to these substances in recent generations increasing their cancer to discuss the meaning of Ufa with Joe Bob or to go free junk in the mail and Joe Bob s world Lamous newsletter. The Joe Bob report write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002. Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open <214 368-2310. Enough is known yet to blame environmental pollution for the Rise in cancer. They will even argue with you about whether there is a Rise in cancer. They can insist and argue All they want and while they do i still remember chucks wonderful laugh his love for his family our Long Friendship and his needless death. I still remember Roberts sweetness his Talent his generosity of spirit his great smile and his needless death. I remember them and i know one thing. In 1994, we All know too Many people with cancer. And so it goes. King features Syndicate May 29, 1994 sunday Page 21
