European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 29, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Ready to notarize happily every after Dave Barry Quot a Quot Une is almost Here and once again to i looking to perform a wedding ceremony. I i can legally do this in Florida because i happen to be a this is True a a notary Public. I am darned proud of this accomplishment. They do not bestow the title of notary Public upon just any random Dork. You have to be a specific Dork who sent in an application. \ i have an official notary certificate from the state of Florida signed by the governor suitable for framing written As is mandatory for government documents by lawyers from Mars stating that i am authorized to this is a real quote a have hold and exercise the said office and All the Powers and responsibilities appertaining thereto and to receive the privileges and emoluments  i love being a notary Public. I love getting together with other notaries for wild and crazy parties where we consume Large quantities of emoluments and notarize each other s body parts. When you re a notary you need to let off steam because you have a lot of weighty responsibilities that an Ordinary civilian cannot begin to comprehend. The main one is trying to remember where you put your official rubber notary stamp. I use my stamp about once a year to notarize somebody a signature on a document this serves As Legal proof that in my official opinion the person really is the person. Al though just Between you and me the person could sign the document a Amelia Earhart or Quot the Hunchback of notre Dame  and i would probably still notarize it because i real a like using my stamp. U but the real reason i became a notary Public is a that i wanted to perform a wedding ceremony for two people named Claire and Merle. They met in 1992 at a Chasity Bowling tournament that i hosted and they fell in Jove almost instantly. Bowling will do. That to people it s a extremely romantic sport. ,. There is something about the sight of a woman trying to pick up a spare that drives a Man crazy. So anyway Claire and Merle decided i think around the sixth Frame that they had to get married. And since i was partly responsible for the fact that they had met i volunteered to become a notary pub lie and Many them at a ceremony in the Bowling Alley. Unfortunately it took six weeks for my notary application to go through and Claire and Merle just  wait that Long. So in a still looking to officiate at my first wedding. I definitely have the background for it. My Grandfather and Niy father were both presbyterian ministers and i watched my dad marry a lot of people. Many times id be with my dad before a wedding in the Back of the Church As he tried to prevent the Groom from imploding due to sheer nervousness leaving nothing but a sweaty Heap of rented formal clothing on the floor. The Bride always had several Hundred people Flurr Ying around her offering support but usually the Groom had nobody with him except the Best Man whose dominant emotion a this was obvious a was enormous Relief at the fact that he was not the Groom. So my father would do his Best to soothe the Groom acting very Calm talking softly the Way you act around an easily alarmed horse. One time i remember we were waiting in a Church office and there was a Basket of Tootsie Roll pops on a desk and my dad offered the Basket to the Groom. The Groom took a Tootsie Roll pop and while staring rigidly off into space removed the wrapper bit off the entire Candy end Slick and All then chewed it up and swallowed it in maybe four seconds. My dad watched this and then said quietly a a you know there Are those who actually suck on  ,. A v a. A no thanks a said the Groom still staring off into space. A a in a  so in be had  pre wedding tension. And i feel that i could conduct a Good ceremony. Cd include special questions designed to determine whether the couple had a realistic concept of what a married life was going to be like such As. A. A Are you John troubled by the thought that no matter How Large your bathroom is your half will consist of three Square inches and even that will soon be taken Over entirely by the invasion of the skin care products a a do you Mary honestly think that you Wilt Ever again be Able to watch a to program without John Here scanning All of the other 57 Cable channels roughly every 30 seconds in Case there a something better on such As a replay of the 1978 super bowl a yes i would definitely run a thought provoking wedding. Id have the Happy couple trading blows before they even got to the cake cutting. Maybe i could even a ill have to Check the notary handbook to see if this is one of the Powers appertaining thereto a Grant them a divorce right on the spot. Then wed have a great  would do the stamp dance. A. A. 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