European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 12, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Sentence these phrases to prison James j. Kilpatrick the it liter s Art couple of months ago i wrote a column about sentences i did not exactly understand. Such sentences Are known professionally As gobbledygook. Several inspired readers sent in further horrid examples of the obfuscation Art. This Story comes from the Arizona daily Star in Tucson. It appears that Guadalupe Olivas As health administrator of Pima county irritated her staff by constantly going to conferences. They complained. She sent Back a defensive memo a based on my nationally recognized expertise in contemporary leadership roles i have conveyed to you such concepts like the a service management and the inverted Pyramid and ways to View and Ope rationalize the concepts that have been articulated so that we can indeed a walk our  a the stuff manhood food Tony Kornheiser i took my kids to the Pool the other Day and caught a glimpse of myself in the lifeguard s mirrored sunglasses a babe 1 might add so i was actually trying to suck in my stomach if i sucked any harder i d have inhaled the whole Pool it was appalling. Was so Bald so fat so while i looked like the underside of free Willy. Why do Middle aged men get so Sloppy we stand around exposing our big bellies and from the Side we look like an Avalanche. I think it stems from the w a men cat. Men eat foods that come in slabs. Slabs and Mounds a slab Between two Mounds often yellow Mounds a either by design or age. This eliminates everything Green everything that swims and everything that might keep you alive past Midnight wednesday. It s easy to buy food for a Man just buy something with a Large Bone in it he can wrestle with gnaw on then walk away from the table with barbeque sauce and flecks of Char stuck on his Check. Women Are not like lids. Women dread it when a Man says a you Wanna go for ribs a which men always want because they come in a slab thais the last thing women want a to spend All evening on display suing sauce of Fleir fingers i More or less understand what it Means to Ope rationalize an articulated concept. I believe it Means to put an idea to work but who knows in the land of bureaucratic people speak  was the department of Commerce if i am not mistaken that sent out instructions last october for answering a Survey of foreign transactions. One definition was remarkably Lucid. A a a affiliated foreign group Means i the foreign Parent ii any foreign person proceeding up the foreign parents ownership Chain which owns More than 50 per centum of the person below it up to and including that person which is not owned More than 50 per centum by another foreign person and Iii any foreign person proceeding Down the ownership Chain s of each of these members which is owned More than 50 per centum by the person above  the journal of Commerce reported in february that . Trade representative Mickey Kantor was pursuing a Tough line against the japanese. He wanted an agreement on Trade issues. He said a if we arc not successful in this area As Well As the macroeconomic and global areas we would have to reassess the currency of the  or. Kantoris efforts alas were not successful. He is now reassessing the currency of the framework. In Charlotte n.c., the tax office sent a notice to local businesses a on nov. 25,1990, the City Council voted and afterwards received legislative change to lower the interest amount and enable businesses who had not previously been licensed were assessed and paid 5 percent interest on their privilege tax Between july 1,1988 and june 30,1990, to apply for a one time credit for taxes due and payable on july i 1992.�?�. A few years ago the National Council of teachers of English awarded its Doublespeak award to a spokes mail for the National aeronautics and space. Administration. The gentleman was asked if Nasa s performance had improved with each launch. He helpfully replied _ _ a i think our performance in terms of the liftoff performance and in terms of the Orbital performance we know More about the envelope we Are operating under and we have been pretty accurately staying in that. And so i would say the performance has not by design drastically improved. I think we have been Able to characterize the performance More As a function of our launch experience As opposed to it improving As a function of  not All the horrid examples come from govern mint agencies. One came from a professor of English at Purdue who was writing in College English a publication of this same National Council of teach a cars of English. _ _ a it is True that some rhetoric have denied their Imbricate on in ideology doing so in the name of a disinterested scientism. More recently the discussion of the relation Between ideology and rhetoric has taken a new turn. Ideology is Here foregrounded and  in a Way that situates rhetoric within ideology rather than ideology within Rhetor a ic.�?�. The Washington Post asked two a celebrated linguists to explain Why teen agers Sprinkle Quot like throughout their conversations. Said the experts a the grammatical nation of a like As a quota Tive complement Izer is a natural historical development for the spoken Channel which allows the speaker to retain the vividness of direct speech and thought while retaining the pragmatic Force but not the syntactic complexity of the indirect  Isnit that like you know the Imbricate conceptualization of a rhetorical ideology i think so. A. Universal press Syndicate. And picking Corn from their Teeth. Women Are like cats.  eat a Little bit then leave the rest for later. Men Are like dogs. They cat everything in front of them. Men do not even taste their food. Their task is simply to finish it As quickly As possible Quot hey Eddie a what was that thing you just ate that thing that looked like a piece of Fried stuff a �?o1 done to know. It was Brown right a it is a waste of time for a waiter to recite any of the Days specials to a table full of men. Whenever the waiter gets to the last special say a fresh sea Bass lightly battered and sauteed in a Balsamic Vinai Gretic with Cilantro and Basil and a bouquet of Garden vegetables Almo Dinc a a Man realizing he has run out of choices will say a Good. Gimme that and put some Nacho cheese on top of and  when men Are finished with their food they pause for a second a so you la understand they arc trying to act polite a then they go around the table and eat the food from the women and children. A you done with that a a Man will ask impatiently grabbing your plate and eating your food with your silverware. Women know this game and deliberately leave 20 percent of their food so that men can finish it. Women get their revenge though by mixing their foods together. Men hate this. God How they hate mixed foods if men designed Fine China it would look like to dinners with separate compartments for every item in the meal. Men eat one thing at a time. Every Man has a different order but All men eat sequentially. Women eat randomly. Much like the Way they shop. They can end up buying anything. If a Man goes in for shirts this is his task shirts he buys his shirts he leaves women actually like to mix things. They order pre mixed things like risotto then mix in More things. They co mingle they create. A woman a plate looks like an artist has painted it. A Many a plate looks like Rin tin tin has licked it. At a cocktail party a woman will take something from this trav something from that tray a couple of tilings from the table in the Center of the room and she will put All these things on a Small plate and nibble at them for the rest of the party. A Man will go Ami gaining weight.  just one of the ways men fill themselves. Straight to the swinging doors and Camp there a toothpick in hand picking off whatever comes out on a tray like he a Defolia Ting the Jungle. He will put nothing on a plate a he Isnit even holding a plate. He simply Snipes away. Get him a shovel. Women know this. And still women care about How they look eating in front of men. A women done to eat at All on the first Date a my Friend Annie told me. A we done to want a Guy to think we re pigs. We order something we can pick at psychologically we re trying to show him that we re Picky with food and we be Picky with men a also we done to want to give him the impression that if he stays with us hell Wake up one Day 20 years Down the Road and see he a married to Bossy the cow. A woman never orders spinach on a first Date because it Sticks to your Teeth and its always there when you smile never garlic or onion never Spaghetti even if you like Spaghetti because you done to want to eat anything that might hang out your Mouth. Never order dessert either done to even take a bite when he orders  a rent to you hungry a i asked. A is Arvig a Annie said. A the moment he drops you off you head straight for the Haagen dazs and sit there in a Houseboat stuffing yourself just like. A Man. Creators Syndicate Page 24 sunday june 12. 1924