European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 25, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Voices under thin skin there s a word for that big look fat Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in e re not supposed to use the word fat anymore. Sorry i could t help it. So it was a Little strange when this new study came put from the nation Al Center for health statistics announcing that one third of everybody in America is. � of i won t say obese rotund pot bellied oversized elephantine roly poly massive Gigantic blubber tubs of lard. There that s better. And the definition of being a land whale is 20 percent or More above your Correct weight which Means we got a whole lot of flesh monsters who did t get counted cause they just missed the cutoff. Not Only did they find out that there a like 80 million Chun meisters out there but it s getting worse every year. We have 31 percent More walking office buildings than we had 10 years ago. We be got people up there in Missouri putting stress Frac Tures in the foundations of their tract Homes you know what i mean. We be got lard lading old people who spend $40,000 a year on $6 All you can eat Holiday inn but Fet dinners. And listen to this part of it. You know How it s Al ways the men who Are accused of being Couch Pota toes sitting around watching football nursing their Beer bellies Well it turns out that women Are worse. Only 31 percent of the Guys Are overweight but 35 percent of the gals. We might be Couch Pota toes but some of these women have Butts that look like squids seen through the Glass at the aquarium. Arid then the government tries to figure out Why everybody is turning into cheese whoppers with arms and their conclusion is. Low physical activity Well no kidding or. Churchill. Some of these people can t even see their feet without doing three hours on a thigh master first. But the funny thing was the Media tried to report this whole Story without Ever using the word i think this might be by we have so Many aunt Jemima Frozen Waffle people. Because nobody Ever uses this word around pm. Maybe what they really need is somebody to get in their face and say you re fat. You re like really really and maybe some of pm would go of of yeah when you put it like that and lose some weight. But if we Don t Ever say fat they might just think their shoes Are on too tight or something. Does this make sense to you speaking of stuff that does t make a lick of sense this flick called backstreet Justice just came out and it s basically the Story of a female private Eye in a Scummy Pittsburgh neighbourhood who s trying to solve All these murder and rape cases Only the cops Aren t helping and she even thinks maybe the cops Are doing the murders and she has to prove herself because her father was a corrupt cop and the vicious police Captain played by hates her and her sort of Boyfriend is a cop but every time she comes Home there s a cop sneaking into somebody s apartment or running up the fire escape of her build ing. And i do mean every time she comes Home eight dead bodies. Three breasts. Coffee in the face. Aardvark ing. Bomb. Roof plunge. Kung fun. Taser fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for the Complete plot of backstreet Justice As demonstrated by Linda Kuzlowski. Linda Kozlowski As the i never sleep vigilante who has Nightmare flashbacks about her daddy and says Mort s a defendant waiting to happen and let s get drunk Paul Sorvino As the screaming red faced a Ocary police Captain who says i or not through with you and Tammy Grimes As the Dotty old half crazed mama for sobbing hysterically and saying daddy was Gonna get him three stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless capitalist Alert the Apache drive in in Tucson ariz., which reopened in june has been closed Down again. What Are they doing toying with our emotions Marty Ketola reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob i have a interest in films of Many types but Low budget ones have a special place in my us heart especially when they Are done right which might be someone else s wrong. Close up detailed Gore does t do much for me but fun is fun. I d rather watch a flick with a nutty impossible scenario that is loaded with women that Are real easy on the eyes. I like the ones who Are slim and have a pretty face yet anchored with More than their share of breast tissue. Some former Playboy girls fit the Bill nicely. Roberta Vasguez is Fine but she does not know what to do in front of the camera. I recently saw on Cable a bad and not Good film with these two along with another Playboy girl named Devin something or other Erik Estrada Dona Speir etc., and the film was sup ply too bad for me not enough action intrigue breasts behinds general nastiness but there was a really Fine looking Chassis that had a super pair of High beam headlights. Who is this lady and can she be seen in anything of appropriate slea a you might now have an idea of the looks i like the girls to have and if you Don t mind putting a Little brainpower into making me a list of better pick sures i should try to run Down i would appreciate it. Greg Pawelko san Francisco dear Greg if i m not mistaken you were watching an Andy Sidaris flick called hard hunted and the Gal with the High beam headlights is none other than the legendary Ava Cadell. Since All of Andy s movies get mixed up in my head i could be totally wrong. Creators syndic o of Rockwell officer obie and Arlo Guthrie Linda Ellerbee to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to get free junk in1 the mail and Joe Bob s world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs. To Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax 214 368 2310. Joe Bob s Compuserve address 76702,1435 Tock Bridge mass., is a Nice place. They have Hills White wooden churches seasons and Yankees in Stockbridge. No wonder Norman Rockwell lived there. Rockwell whose work is on display at the Norman Rockwell museum in Stockbridge was a specialist in reality colouring. His America was like no one else s. It was t that his illustrations were lies. Norman Rockwell painted the truth Only More so. The sheer numbers of people who make the Pilgrim age to Stockbridge to see his work suggest we like it that Way. Well who among us docs not agree that from time to time reality could use a bit of Shine consider officer obie. Raise your hand if you know who officer obie is or was seeing As the Man died recently on thanksgiving Day 1965, officer obie who was police chief of Stockbridge mass., and whose real name was William Obanhein arrested an 18-year. Old Arlo Guthrie. Earlier that Day Guthrie had enjoyed thanksgiving dinner at the Home of Alice Brock who occasionally owned a restaurant in the area. Guthrie set out to take the trash to the clump but the dump was closed and so he dropped the trash off a nearby Ridge onto some other garbage at the Bottom of the Hill. Officer obie arrested Guthrie and charged him with littering. The kid pleaded guilty and picked up the garbage. Much later when the arrest showed up on his re Cord Guthrie was through the kind of bureaucratic silliness that Only government can truly embrace deemed unsuitable for military service. To Para phrase Guthrie s words they decided he was t tit to go to Vietnam and kill a Bunch of people because lie was a Jitterbug. It was you understand a perfect Story of its time. Recognizing this Guthrie chronicled the events in the popular anti War song Alice s restaurant which later became the popular anti War movie Alice s restaurants in which both he and officer obie played themselves. I always liked that about officer obie. Here was one cop who seemed to have a sense of humor or at least a sense of proportion about the late 60s version of american reality which a is not. A pretty sight. If nothing else he helped blur the lines Between them and we needed thai. Officer obie was a member of the Stockbridge police Force for 34 years Jimd a Model for several nor Man Rockwell paintings and saturday evening Post covers. But again reality was something More and less. Talk to people in Stockbridge. Bill was a big hearted fellow and a Good cop says one. He was the Patron Saint of every dog in town he never once enforced a Leash Law says another. And then you hear that officer obie s life and family was touched by alcohol divorce and suicide. So which was the real officer obie As with any of us the reality of Bill Obanhein was not As easily defined the Man had parts to him. But the part most Likely to be remembered is the Gruff voiced warm Man who could laugh at himself. The officer obie part. The Norman Rockwell part. Why it s How we like our truth served. It s Why the Road to the Norman Rockwell museum is often crowded. And so it goes King features Syndicate september 25, 1994 sunday Page 17
