European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 13, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                A last laugh trying to draw people into the newspaper fold Dave Barry Ere in the newspaper Industry official motto for official motto please turn to Section of Page 37" we Are seriously worried. Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact there s a Good Chance that nobody is Reading this column. I could write a pornographic sex scene Here and nobody would notice. Of Dirk moaned Camille As she writhed nakedly on the bed. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes  wait up shouted Dirk. I m still in the Bath room /. V .,.-. It was not always this Way. There was a time in America when everybody read newspapers. Big cities had Spunky lads standing on every Street Corner shouting extra these lads weren t Selling newspapers they just shouted extra because they wanted to irritate people and bomb boxes Hadnot been invented yet. But the Point is that in those Days most people read newspapers whereas today most people do  caused this change one big Factor is that people Are a lot stupider than they used to be although we Here in the news paper Industry would never say so in print. Certainly another Factor is that Many people now get their news from television. This is unfortunate. Ido not mean to be the slightest bit critical of to news people who do a Superb Job considering that they operate under severe time constraints and have the intellectual depth of hamsters but to news can present Only the Bare Bones of a Story it takes a newspaper with its capability to present vast amounts of information to Render the Story truly Boring. A \. But if we want to identify the Root cause of the decline in newspaper readership i believe we have to Point the Finger of blame at the foolish decision by Many newspapers to Stop running the comic strip Henry remember Henry the Bald boy who lookalike Dwight Eisenhower i believe that readers liked the Henry strip because in times of change and uncertainty it always had the same plot panel one Henry is walking along the  is wearing shorts even if it is Winter panel two suddenly Henry spies an  can Tell he s spying it because a dotted line is going from his eyeball to the object. Often the objects a pie Cooling on a Windowsill. Pies Are always Cooling on windowsills on the planet where Henry lives panel three things get really Wacky a Henry eats the pie. Panel Foier the woman who baked the pie comes to the window and discovers that prepare to Roll on the floor the pie is gone. The woman . You can Tell because exclamation Points Are shooting out of her head. This timeless humor has been delighting Reader for thousands of years Henry strips have been found on prehistoric Cave Wall but for some reason awhile Back most newspapers stopped running the strip and readership has been in the toilet Ever since. I Don t think it s a coincidence. Whatever the cause the readership decline is producing major underarm dampness Here in the news paper Industry. We re especially concerned about the fact that we re losing Young readers the so called generation a which gets its name from the fact that it followed the so called generation a we re desperate to attract these readers. Go to an newspaper today and you la see herds of editors Pac ing around mooing nervously trying to think up ways to make newspapers More relevant to today Suduth culture. This is pretty Runny if you know any thing about newspaper editors the vast majority of whom Are Middle aged dockers wearing White Guys who cannot recognize any song recorded after Yel Low submarine. But they re trying. If you read your newspaper carefully you la notice that you re seeing fewer Sto Ries with uninviting incomprehensible newspaper Ese headlines like panel nixes Trade pact and More punchy with it headlines designed to Appeal to today s Young people like panel nixes Trade pact dude. I applaud this Effort and As a Middle aged Dock ers wearing White Guy i want to do my part by Mak ing my column More Hep and appealing to Youn people. So i m going to conclude by presenting the views of some students of Daniel Kennedy s English class at Learfield a area High school. I recently wrote a column in which i said that some Young peo ple today have unattractive haircuts and Don t know who Davy Crockett was. Or. Kennedy s class read this column and wrote me letters in response Here Are some a retouched excerpts which i am not Mak ing up maybe one of these Days you should look inthe Mirror Dave. Dave you need a new hairstyle Man you have a puff Cut  without hair i think every Guy in the world would just die of Imp arrestment. I know i would but i am a  you say that i Don t no any thing about Dav Crockett. Well i no that he fought at the Alamo. He also played in several  let me just say that we in the newspaper Industry totally agree with you Young people on these Points and any other Points you wish to make and if you will please please please Start Reading the news paper Well be your Best Friend of of Youn people hello you re not even Reading this you Little twerp. Of Dirk moaned Camille i am overcome by desire at the sight of your. Your what do you Call those?".1 .-.". A. Dockers said Dirk. Miami Herald Page 28 sunday november 13,1994