European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 25, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Can t sing can t even clap you re not alone by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers today i wish to discuss an alarming problem that threatens to destroy the very fabric of society or at least greatly increase the polyester Content musical disability. According to statistics that i recently wrote Down on a cocktail Napkin musical disability afflicts one out of every two human beings and a far higher proportion of Republican convention delegates. Few sights on Earth Are As pathetic As when at a Republican function the hired band usually with a name like Earl Larue and his accordions of passion Breaks into a True gop Rocker such As bad bad Leroy Brown and the delegates feeling Funky attempt to clap along and they All get it wrong. To understand what i mean by wrong try this simple Ray Charles clapping test you sing hit the Road Jack and you clap along. If you clap this Way hit the Road Flapjack clap then you Are Normal. But if you clap this Way hit the clap Road Flapjack you Are musically disabled at least in the rhythm area. If you Don t even know hit the Road Jack you should Contact the republicans because you Are True Delegate material. Rhythm disabilities Are not correctable. Take my Good Friend and neighbor Walt. He has never been Able to dance a lick in his life but last year he became determined to dance at his son s bar Mitzvah. Walt took professional lessons in his House lurching conscientiously around his family room for a number of weeks. Finally came the big moment at the bar Mitzvah when Walt got out on the floor his face reflecting the grim determination of a Man about to single hand edly carry an Amana Freezer up the basement Steps which is also pretty much How he danced. The band played and Walt grimly stomped around until the air was filled with thousands of musical beats and thousands of stomps. And yet in Defiance of the Laws of mathematical probability not even once the whole evening did a band beat and a Walt stomp occur simultaneously. Sometimes a person will be Normal in the rhythm area but disabled in the note area. A Good example of this is my Friend Randall who has an excellent sense of rhythm As was demonstrated the time he piloted a Corvette across an unscheduled Railroad track and roughly 120 feet through the lower atmosphere to a flawless Landing All the while drumming his right fist on the dashboard in perfect time to the song bad to the Bone by George Thorogood and his Delaware destroyers. Yet Randall is totally lost when confronted with the Barbara Ann Harmony singing test. As you musical sophisticates know Harmony requires a minimum of two notes. So i Tell Randall to select a note any note in the free world and sing Baba Baba Barbara Ann the plan being that i will then join in with a different note thereby forming Harmony. Just Don t change your note i stress. So Randall starts singing and everything goes great until i join in at which Point Randall Abandons his note and starts to use mine. If i switch Back to his note so does he. If As an Experiment i make a noise like a malfunctioning air compressor Randall follows right along cheerfully oblivious convinced that we sound exactly like the Beach boys. But at least Randall is capable of emitting recognizable human notes. This is More than we can say for the unfortunates who Are 100 percent musically disabled. The worst cases i be seen Are two women i know named Sandy and Libby who used to operate a men s clothing store. You d go in the store and a Good song would come on the radio something upbeat like Dancin in the streets. Yet you d find yourself feeling strangely sad. Slowly you d realize that the cause of your sadness was this. This sound a Low foghorn like moaning except that if foghorn were this depressing the ships would deliberately crash into the rocks. And just when you d decided that you weren t going to buy any men s clothes after All that instead you were going to lie Down right there and never eat again you realized that this sound was coming from Sandy and Libby. Are you singing you d ask. Sorry they d say. Eventually their store went out of business and while we cannot say definitely How Many jobs Are lost each year because of musical disability we can safely assume that it is 1,631,856. You do not solve a problem of this magnitude merely by talking about it you solve it with a massive and wasteful Federal program. That s Why i am asking All of you to join your voices in the following protest song to the tune of either i be been working on the Railroad or cot my Mojo Workin. We re clap the musically disabled we re the clap musically disabled we re the musically clap disabled and if you Don t give us what we want we re Gonna sing this song again stomp. Parting with worldly goods creates a dilemma by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners people warned me that being poor would be difficult but no one told me that becoming poor was going to be a problem. In six months i shall be leaving the United states to become an overseas missionary. I shall be gone for a minimum of four years. My dilemma involves what to do with All my worldly possessions. Since my parents Are nearing retirement age and Are in the process of Selling their House and moving into an apartment storing special items with them is not an option. I am 22, and most of my friends Are near my age and none of them has space available where i could store things for so Long. I Don t really mind not being Able to keep most of these things since i Don t value possessions All that highly. But How do i get rid of them since i la be in a tropical climate i won t need my heavy Wool sweaters and skirts. Would it be improper to give a few of them to friends or should i donate them All to the salvation army i have a Beautiful sweater that would look much better on a certain Friend that it Ever did on me. Can i just give it to her or would that be Tacky even harder is trying to dispose of presents that friends have Given me. I will keep a couple that Are very special but i could t possibly store them All. I can t throw away a painting or dishes i be never used. Would it be in poor taste to return them to the giver or would it be better to give them to someone else i m not sure How much use the salvation army would make of a painting. What do i do with a framed inspirational message that a Friend wrote on Parchment in calligraphy and addressed to me i have been very blessed by the amount of love friends have bestowed on me. I love my friends dearly and i Don t want to Hurt their feelings. Would it help if i composed a poem thanking my friends for everything they be Given me and explaining Why i must part with these things what if i had a Small party and allowed close friends to choose which among my possessions they would like those things that no one expresses an interest in but which Are of some value could be donated to a worthy organization. Gentle Reader yours is an unusual problem refreshing in an age not unduly complicated by the desire to purge oneself of possessions and As you realize it requires unusual tact. Allow miss manners to assist you to take your natural sensitivity just one step further. Your friends in giving you these presents treated you As a treasured individual. They will therefore not enjoy being treated in return As a group. Rather than writing one poem and distributing it to everyone please take the trouble to write each an individual letter expressing your Friendship and awareness of the symbolic value of the article that particular person gave you along with an explanation of Why you Are unable to keep it. Be sure to omit any comment about not valuing such possessions. To say this would not Only deprecate the symbolic meaning of these presents but cast aspersions on the Normal worldliness that these people presumably enjoy. In some cases you could ask the donor to keep something precious for you to remember you by. You could suggest to some people one or two things they might want i be always thought this sweater would look better on you Tell me frankly if you could use it or do you need any dishes a Giveaway party would be a mistake. Can you imagine the feeling of someone who sees his own present picked Over and rejected by everyone dear miss manners i was divorced after a Brief marriage but i chose to keep my married name for reasons of convenience my Maiden name is difficult for Many to spell and pronounce. For some time i have been uncomfortable using this surname. I have a feeling of its not being really mine and my not being entitled to it. Therefore i plan to change Back to my Maiden name. How do i make this change known to the people i have various types of interactions with friends co workers acquaintances in a proper manner gentle Reader although this information should be put in writing so that people have a card to stick in their address books difficult spelling and All please do not design a fancy announcement that looks like an invitation to a ceremony at which a Champagne bottle will be broken Over your head. A memo to colleagues and a Brief note to friends with the simple statement i am resuming my Maiden name and the old and new surnames should do. Dear miss manners recently i was a member of an audience that gave standing ovations constantly during a speech. It seems to me that because they have become so prevalent standing ovations have lost much of their significance. I think such demonstrations should be reserved for the rarest of occasions. What should i do when i am a member of an audience that is prone to standing ovations gentle Reader miss manners is quite of your opinion about ovation inflation. One should leave some special demonstration of enthusiasm in Case Demosthenes comes Back from the dead to give the speech of his career. During standing ovations Given in appreciation of artistic performances or in endorsement of spoken sentiments a dissenting member of the audience May keep his seat. However when ovations Are Given to show respect for an individual s longtime achievements politeness requires everyone to follow. August 25, 1988 stripes Magazine