European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 23, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                T or. Re i Dave. Barry Knight tickler newspapers a s yourself tilts question arc you a a a Guy of the mule gender ii so i and / \ Vise you to report to prison mimed i a a a a a a Atchly because you Are violating a Quot a. Federal Law. A. A a a v. V i base this statement on a letter i got irom Alert Reader Richard Watkins m.d., who sent me a shocking medical document concerning the Federal anabolic steroids control act. Steroids As you know Are substances 1 hat some Guys put in their bodies in an Effort to develop bulging rip pling sharply defined Muscles like tile ones i Chad Keaton wore in Batman. This is foolish because women Are not attracted to rippling sharply defined to Muscles. Women prefer a Type of male physique that is known in body building a a circles As Quot the newspaper columnist a this is a softer More rounded aerodynamic shape Simi a a Jar to the one used in the popular Ford Taurus station Wagon. This physique has inspired a.   casual pants which go by  Quot dockers because it was not considered a shrewd marketing move to come right. Out and Call them a pants for the bigger bulted  a a a a a. A a a a. A a a a. A a. A Bui Buck to steroids. They have Bud Side of feels although it took medical researchers Many years to . They a get a Bunch of  together and Sav a wok anybody having a bad , raise your  steroid users would Strain and Grunt like water buffaloes. In labor hut  their extreme muscularity they  raise their hands above their waists Matiy of them must press elevator buttons with a their foreheads. A "�.���, a a a a a a a a a the result was that medical researchers had no idea what kinds of pro tems steroids were Caus my until one Day when they happened to ask for Oral responses. Then they discovered the awful truth steroids can cause men to develop thick a austrian accents. This is what happened o a. A Nold Schwarzenegger who was actually born anti raised in Topeka kan., and spoke like a regular american until lie used steroids to build his body up to the Point where lie was legally classified by the . Census Bureau As Quot construction  a f a a a a today Arnold is a  person with a successful career As a film actor who has played a variety of roles  Large Man with a thick austrian accent who throws bad Guys off apartment roofs to a Large Man. With a thick austrian accent who throws bad Guys off hotel roots. A lie s also an Active Republican and was recently appointed chairman of the president s Council on physical fitness in a moving Rose Garden cer a irony that culminated in Arnold throwing sen. Edward Kennedy off the White House roof. So anyway the  cracking Down. On steroids. I thought this was a Fine idea until i got or Watkins letter which was written on a Hospital  form in the Section. Headed Quot chief complaint and present illness Quot Quot Here i am a or. Watkins writes a sitting a. Around in my doctor suit waiting for. An Emer Geti by to happen and suddenly i get a memo on feb. 27, ill testosterone was de glared a controlled substanc1 i like  my immediate reaction was to think that or. Watkins had been wearing his Stethoscope Way Loo Light. But it turns out he s telling the absolute truth. With his letter he enclosed a document from the group health cooperative of puget sound listing various types of Ana Bojc steroids. Controlled by the Federal government arid to Clos Terone is on the list i swear i am not making this up. A  a big problem because Many Guys a. Eluding several known supreme court members. Arc walking around with Leso Lerone in their urn. Possession. A. ,. A a a a a ��.,��. A a a they can to help it As or. Watkins put it m. Medical terminology testosterone is Quot a substance exuded by Ydo or you know organs hereinafter. Your  a a a a a a a a a. A a  Small quantities testosterone produces Only mild Side effects such As the inability to Stop pressing the Channel changing Button on the to Remote control. But at higher Levels testosterone causes destructive male behaviour the two most terrible kinds being a. A a. 1. War. A a. 2. Do it yourself projects. A. Its a Wel known fact that a male with even a moderate testosterone level would rut her Dull a a Hole in his hand which he probably will than admit especially to Lus spouse that he cannot do something himself. Put an Ordinary male on the a space shuttle and within minutes hell  his spouse that by cod hell repair the Retro. Thruster modules because if you Call in Nasa.  just charge you an Arm and a leg. I personally have destroyed numerous perfectly Good rooms by undertaking frenzied Teslo Strone induced cd forts to. Fix them up despite the fact that i have the manual dexterity of an Oyster hundreds of years from now archaeologists will look at my Home improvement  say Quot this civilization was apparently wiped out by a terrible natural disaster involving  a a so we see that Llic Erimina Healion of testosterone is a Good thing. I m not sure How the author  enforce this Law but 1  Start by arresting  Bovio Iisley excessive. Testosterone Levels such  Beatty the National hockey league Bluto and Phyllis a v a Scala five. A a a. A a a a Quot a eventually Allol us Guys will be arrested and placed in a rehabilitation program motto Quot just say no us Ralph and. They wont let us out until we pass a strict test wherein we have to hold a to Remote control in our hands and watch one show for Thiee consecutive minutes no kidding facts about Elvis did no to write any of his songs never gave an in depth interview loved karate was  honorary narcotics. Agent by president Nixon fired a gun at to set during Robert Goule performance dated tuesday Weld and Natalie a Wood source Rock uves Henry non Naido a a a copyright 1991. Cartoonists amp writers Syndicate