European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 23, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                \ Dave. Barry Knight killer newspapers s yourself tills question Are you a Guy of the male gender ii so i advise you to report to prison immedi. Atell because you Are violating a. Federal Law. A. A i base this statement on a letter i got from Alert Reader Richard Watkins ivld., who sent me., a shocking medical Doeu Anent concerning flip  Crai anabolic steroids control act. Steroids is you know Are substances that some Guys put in their bodies in an Effort to develop bulging rippling sharply defined Muscles like the songs Michael Keaton wore in Batman. This is foolish because women Are not attracted to rippling sharply defined a Muscles. Women prefer a Type of male physique that is known in body building circles As a the newspaper  this is a softer More rounded aerodynamic shape similar to the one used in the popular Ford Taurus station Wagon. Ali is physique has inspired a whole line of  casual pants which go by the name a dockers Quot because it was not con Side red a shrewd marketing move to come right out and Call them a pants for the bigger bulted. Man Quot a a. Quot. A. Rut Back to steroids. They have bad Side of. A feels  took medical researchers Many. Years to discover this. They a get a Hunch of  together and save a wok anybody having. Bad Side effects raise your  steroid users would Strain Ami Grunt like water buffaloes. In labor but because of their extreme muscularity they  raise their hands above their waists. Many of them must press elevator buttons with their Loi chads. A a a a a.,. The result was that medical researchers had no idea what kinds of problems steroids were Caus Ilia until one Day when Uliey happened to ask Lor Oral responses. Then they discovered the awful truth steroids can cause men to develop thick a Aust Rutn n a cents. This is what happened to Are mild Schwarzenegger who was actually born and raised in Topeka kan., and spoke like a regular american until he used steroids to build  to the Point where he was legally classified by. Die . Census Bureau As a construction equip.  a a a today,.Arnold is a steroid Dree person Wilh a successful career As a film actor who has played a variety of roles ranging from a Large Nan with a. Thick austrian accent who throws bad Guys off. Apartment roofs to a Large Man with a thick aus irian accent who throws bad Guys Oil hotel Rooks. L ies also an Active Republican and was recently appointed chairman of the presidents Council a on physical fitness in a moving Rose Garden cer. Emony that culminated in.Arnold throwing sen. Edward Kennedy off the White House Root. A so anyway the  cracking Down. On steroids. I thought this was a Fine idea until i got or. Watkins letter which was written on a Hospital physical examination form in the Section headed a chief complaint and present  a there 1 am a or. Watkins writes a sitting around in my doctor suit wailing for an emerged. By to happen and suddenly i get a memo on feb 27, 1991, testosterone was declared a controlled substance like  my immediate reaction was to think . Watkins had been wearing his Stethoscope Way. Too tight. But it turns out he a telling the absolute truth. With his letter he enclosed a document from the group health cooperative of puget i sound  types of anabolic steroids. Controlled by the Federal government and lesbos a throne is on the list. I swear i am not making this up. A Quot  is a big problem because Many Guys a eluding  supreme court members Quot Are walking around with testosterone in their us Possession a they can t help it. As or. Watkins put it. In a. Medical terminology testosterone is Quot a substance exuded by your you know organs hereinafter. Your  /  Small quantities testosterone produces Only Vild Side effects such As the inability to Stop pressing the Channel changing Button on the to. Remote control. But at higher Levels testosterone causes destructive male behaviour the two most a amps Sharon Kilday terrible kinds being a a a 1. War. A a 2. Do it yourself projects. A a it s a Well known fact that a mule with even a moderate testosterone level would rather Drill a Hole in his hand which he probably  than admit especially to his spouse that he cannot do something himself. Pul an Ordinary male on the space shuttle and within minutes hell be telling his spouse that by god he 11 repair the Retro. Thruster modules because ii you Call in Nasa.  just charge you Airam and a leg. I person a ally have destroyed numerous perfectly Good rooms by undertaking frenzied testosterone induced efforts to fix them up despite the fact that. I have the manual dexterity of an Oyster. Hun. A dress of years from How archaeologists will look at my Home improvement projects and say a this civilization was apparently wiped out by a terrible natural disaster involving  so we see that the criminalization of Tes Loste Rone is a Good thing. In a not sure How the authorities will enforce his Law but i imagine . Start by arresting those with obviously excessive. A. Testosterone Levels such  Beatty the. National hockey league  Phyllis a sell 1 ally. A. Eventually All of us Guys will he arrested and placed in a rehabilitation program motto a just say no to Ralph Quot and they wont let us out until we pass a strict test wherein we have to hold a to Remote control in our hands and watch one show for three consecutive minutes no kidding facts about Elvis did no to write any of his song never gave an in depth interview loved karate was made honorary narcotics agent by president Nixon fired a gun at to set during Robert Goulet performance dated tuesday Weld and Natalie Wood soured Rock  Home Holt and co olo Warsaw Poland / r 0page 24 a sunday june 23. 1991