European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 28, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh biting Back at horses a Many a worst Friend Dave Barry the Miami Herald recently a woman i know named Michelle came into the newspaper office with a big ugly wound on her upper Arm. Realizing that she might be self conscious about it i said a Michelle what a that big ugly wound on your upper Arm Quot sensitivity is the Cornerstone of journalism. It turned out that Michelle Hud been bitten by a horse. It was her own horse and it bit her while she was trying to feed it. This is a typical horse Man Euver. Horses arc the opposite of dogs gratitude Wise you give a dog something totally wretched to cat such As a Toad part or a wad of pre chewed Dent Ync and the dog will henceforth View you As the supreme being it Wilt gaze on you Lor hours with rapt adoration and lick the ground you walk on and you. Whereas if you spend hours grooming a horse and lugging its food and water around the horse will be thinking a should i chomp on this persons Arm or should i merely blow a couple of Gallons of horse snot into this persons hair Quot 1 done to Trust horses. A never Trust an animal with feet made from the same material As Bowling balls is one of my mottoes. I never believed those scenes in Western movies when bad Guys would tie the hero up and his horse would Trot Over and untie the knots with his Teeth. A real horse would size up the situation and stomp on the heroes feet 1 done to blame horses for being hostile. I myself would feel hostile toward somebody who was always sitting on me and yanking on my lips. But what i done to get is How come they re so popular especially with women now you re probably saying a Dave you re just bitter because in fifth Grade you had an intense crush on Susan Cartoun and you wrote a sue on your notebook inside a heart but the name inside the heart on her notebook was a frosty a an imaginary horse that she loved much More than you despite the fact that if frosty Ever had the Chance it would have got imaginary snot in her  yes its True that i am a Little bitter about that. Also i have not forgotten my first experience with a horse. I was 9 years old at a farm and i attempted to ride a Pony. A a Pony is a misunderstood word. Many Young people having grown up watching the my Little Pony cartoon show believe that a Pony is a cute Little pastel coloured Critter with a Perky voice and a nurturing personality and a 1973 Farrah Fawcett hairstyle. In reality a typical Pony is the same weight As an Oldsmobile Cutlass supreme but with no controls or moral code. Anyway following my Sisters directions i put my foot into the Metai thing hanging Down from the Pony and instantly the Pony not wishing to be boarded at that time trotted briskly off with my leg attached to it. I attempted to keep up by bouncing next to it on my other leg like the famous Western cinematic Star hop along Dork but finally in a feat of astonishing equestrian skill i fell Down backward and got dragged across the Field with my head bouncing gaily behind amid the cow doors. I could Tell the Pony enjoyed this immensely. It  wait to get Back to the stable and Tell the other horses via snort language. A you should have seen his hair a snorted the Pony. A a he la need to shampoo with Industrial solvents a a next time a snorted one of the older horses a try stepping on him. Its like dropping an Anvil on a hostess  a and the Legal authorities can to prosecute because we re horses a snorted another. So i stayed off horses altogether until 20 years later when i was courting my wife. We were in the Rocky mountains and they had rental horses and she wanted to ride one. Naturally she loves horses. As a child she used to ride a neighbors horse bareback an experience she remembers fondly even though she admits the. Horses would regularly try to decapitate her by running under Low tree branches at 27 Miles per hour. I done to want to sound like a broken record Here but Why is it that a woman will forgive Homicidal behaviour in a horse yet be highly critical of a Man for leaving the toilet seat up anyway i was in raging hormone courting Mode meaning i would have wrestled a giant Snake to impress my wife to be so i let her talk me into getting on this rental horse. It turned its head around and looked at me with one of those horse eyeballs the size of a mature Grapefruit and i knew instantly what it was thinking. It was thinking a they its hop along Dork a so while my wife a horse trotted briskly off into the scenery looking for Low branches to run under my horse just stood there eating and pooping waiting for me to put one leg on the ground so it could suddenly take off and drag me to Oregon. So i sat still like one of those statue generals Only More rigid. Id say we moved about 11 feet in two hours. Next time i am definitely renting the Snake. Fortunately my wife a horse was unable to kill her and we got married and lived happily Ever after except that she keeps saying that she wants us to go Riding again. I done to know what to do. 1 think maybe tonight ill fix her a candlelight dinner give her wine and put on soft romantic music. Then when the moment is just right i will gently but fir Only bite her upper Arm. Matt Buenos Aires Argentina .11 s i k11 1 1n a billboards first top 10, july 1940 1. I la never smile again a Tommy Dorsey 2. The Breeze and i a Jimmy Dorsey 3. Imagination a Glenn Miller 4. Playmates a Kay Kyser 5. Fools Rush in a Miller 6. Where was i a Charlie Barnet 7. Pennsylvania 6-5000 a Miller 8. Imagination it Dorsey 9. Sierra sue a Bing Crosby 10. Make believe Island a Mitchell Ayres source discoveries Magazine Early jobs of news anchors 1. Dan rather a journalism teacher 2. Peter Jennings a Bank Teller 3. John Chancellor a Hospital orderly 4. Tom Brokaw a tour guide source Anchor r a Kaz Nevsky Moscow user n o % a n 0 in Page 24 a sunday july 28, 1991