European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 20, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh Page 24corny movement sweeps through Broom town Iii. Dave Barry the Miami Herald recently 1 Hud the Honor of marching with the world renowned Lawn Ranger precision Power Lawn Mower Drill team at the famous Areola Broom Corn festival. Just in Case you never heard of this famous event let me explain that Areola is a town in Illinois just North of Malton. Areola slogan a amazing Areola Quot claims the proud distinction of having been a one of the nations top producers of Broom Corn the primary ingredient in  the town is still a major Power in the Broom Industry. Bach september Areola holds the Broom Corn festival featuring among other events a Parade. For 11 years one of the key marching units has been the Lawn rangers who arc considered by Many observers who have had a couple of Beers to be the finest precision Lawn Mower Drill team in the world. When the rangers invited me to March this year 1 accepted eagerly although i was concerned about being Able to live up to the units High standards As explained in this excerpt from the official Ranger newsletter written by Ranger co founder Pat Monahan a was always we will be living our motto a you re Only Young once but you can always be  this is a Fine motto but it can be car ried to excess. Here i am thinking of pee wee  on the Day of the Parade Monahan picked me up at the Champaign Iii., Airport and drove me through Large quantities of agriculture to Areola. In addition to Nice Grain elevators Areola boasts the nations largest collection of antique brooms and brushes As Well As an establishment called the French embassy which is a combination gourmet restaurant and 12-Lanc Bowling Alley. I swear i am not making any of this up. In route Monahan explained the philosophy of the Lawn rangers which is that it is possible for a group of truly dedicated men to have a lot of fun yet at the same time do absolutely nothing useful for society. The rangers Archenemy marching organization is the shrink is who engage in worthwhile activities and Are therefore regarded by the rangers As being dangerously responsible. Ranger orientation took place in the garage of Ranger Ted Shields. About 50 rangers were gathered around a Keg engaging in intensive mental preparation As Well As a a spanking Quot which is when you sneak up behind somebody and yank Down his shorts. Next we had the annual business meeting which i can to describe in a family newspaper except to say that at one Point a Ranger using a strategically placed car of Corn gave a dramatic interpretation of the song Shine on Harvest min that will haunt me the rest of my life. Then it was time for Rookie Camp. We rookies were each Given a Power Lawn Mower and a Broom and told to line up on the Street where we received intensive instructions in precision Dri 11 Maneu vers. A listen up you Gravy suckers a shouted our column leaders who carried Long handled toilet plungers to denote their rank. A fall Maneu vers will Start with brooms up position the brooms will always come up on the curb Side Quot we Learned two Maneu vers a a walking the dog a which is when you hold your Broom up while turning your Lawn Mower in a Circle and a across the loss Quot which is when you Cross paths with another Ranger then each of you tosses his Broom to the other. These Maneu vers required great precision and we rookies were forced to it k 11 i i what might have been 1. Gilligan a producer wanted Jerry Van Dyke 2. Columbo a creators wanted Bing Crosby 3. Oscar Madison a casting agent wanted Mickey Rooney 4. Jim Rockford a studio wanted Robert Blake 5. Or. Kildare a William Shatner refused role 6. Or. Spock a Martin Landau refused role source. Build features Syndicate sunday october 20. 1991 train in the grueling Sun for nearly two full minutes before we could perform them to the rangers exacting standards. Finally it was time to March. We formed two columns each of us wearing a Cowboy hat and a Lone Ranger style mask. We pushed a wide variety of customized Lawn mowers one of which had a toilet mounted on it. As we neared the main Parade Street we stopped gathered together and put our hands in a huddle where Monahan delivered an inspirational speech that beautifully summed up the meaning of Ranger Hood a remember a he said a you Guys arc not  thus inspired we turned Down the Parade route went to the brooms up position and executed the Cross the toss with 100 percent flawless perfection except for a couple of Guys dropping their brooms. Some onlookers were so awed by this electrifying spectacle that they almost fell Down. When it was Over i stood with my fellow rangers engaging in further mental preparation and accepting the compliments of the Public a do you Guys have jobs a. At that moment i knew i was part of something special something important something that someday i Hope can be controlled by medication. But until then amazing Areola 111., will serve As a shining example of Why America is what it is. Whatever that May be