European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 3, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                I Page 24last laugh mar trying to collect on peace can be taxing experience Dave Barryte Miami Herald g lit her round taxpayers this is the moment you be been waiting Tor time to calculate your peace dividend now that our Archenemy the soviet Union is disintegrating into Throat lozenge sized Independent republics with names like i Tussa Begonia whose primary military activity is knocking Over statues of Lenin we Don t need a defense department anymore. This Means that you the taxpayers May already have won billions of dollars so Don t throw away this column because we arc about to Tell you the size of your peace dividend get ready better lean close to the Page so you wont miss it that a i just a Little closer Here it comes. Swap Popa a we apologize for hitting you in the. Face with a deceased grouper but sometimes you taxpayers Are such goobers that we can t help ourselves. Listen there Isnit going to be a peace dividend. Your leaders have thought about this Long  hard  they have decided that they will continue to need All of your Money that they can possibly get their hands on. They might need More of your Money because we re probably going to give some to the russians in the generous american spirit of a lending a hand to our Defeated enemies so that someday with our help  support they can make better cars than we do. Also we Are not getting rid of the defense department. A Contraro literally. A you Mcl on head. We arc plunging ahead on a number of crucial multimillion Dollar defense items including the b-2 stealth bomber which is being built by the Northrop corp. For $865 million per plane excluding Sunroof. The b-2, which is designed to by invisible to radar has had some minor technical glitches such As that it is not actually invisible to radar but it nevertheless appears to be superbly capable of carrying out its vital Mission of penetrating deep into soviet airspace . Hold it we just remembered that there is no longer any need to penetrate deep into soviet airspace other than to scout locations for pizza huts. But never mind. Even As you read this top Pentagon strategists arc thinking up a new vital Mission for the b-2. Maybe it could penetrate deep into Elizabeth Taylor a next wedding. Or maybe with extra thrusters it could even penetrate sen. Edward Kennedy As Long As it penetrates something. And we Are of course continuing to build a Star wars a which was one of president Reagan a very Best ideas  is scheduled to be fully operational by the year . 216,000, at which time it will perform whatever vital strategic Mission it performs. Possibly it will shoot Down the stealth bomber. A but even if we cancelled both defense programs you taxpayers still  have a peace dividend because your leaders need the Money for pressing Domestic priorities such As purchasing breast pumps for the savings  loan Industry bailout. We arc not making up this Domestic priority. We have Here a Knight Ridder news service Story by David macs concerning a congressional audit of the Federal Deposit insurance corp. And the Resolution Trust corp., two of the Federal agencies helping straighten out this Pesky a amp a situation. The auditors found that among other things the agencies had purchased $177,000 Worth of Wall hangings $3,227 Worth of stained Glass $7,335 Worth of Christmas decorations 3,000 asian cookbooks  27 breast pumps. A spokesperson said the breast pumps were for employees who bring their babies into the agencies Day care Center. This is of course legitimate. We re sure that All you lactating taxpayers out there have employer supplied breast pumps. We just Hope the pumps weren to purchased through the a Star wars program new York Post headline �?o6 Hurt in s5tl mom breast blast Quot. The spokesperson did not have a ready explanation for the asian cookbooks but we re sure there a a perfectly legitimate one  we done to want to know what it is. The Bottom line is if there is a peace dividend it will be distributed according to the following list of priorities ranked  to lowest 1. Giant incomprehensible ongoing Federal programs that could not be eliminated with Hydrogen bombs 2. The russians. 3. Breast pumps. 4. Research Grants to study questions like How come fish done to watch television. 5. The iraqis. Done to laugh just wait 6. Making a big pile of Money on the . Capitol Lawn  setting fire to it. 7. Giving it Back to the taxpayers. But done to be disheartened taxpayers. This is America a democracy if you done to like what your government is doing you have the Power to change it yes ill Tell you How lean dose to the Page so you won t miss it that a it just a Little closer. Arnould Toronto Canapa i Ai. I ,1 / ii. Quot i / l Oil x / <5 of \ z if met l i Dow \ copyright a 1991, cartoon Sis a Wnters Syndicate top 10 Letterman joke subjects 10. Ted Kennedy pants optional. 9. Iraqis a no goats. 8. Dan Quayle As major league Weenie. 7. Those amazing Amish. 6. That crazy woman who keeps breaking into Dave a House. 5. Groin pulls. 4. New York City Chalk body outline capital of the Western world. 3. Inexplicable references to Hugh Downs  real live monkeys although rarely in the same item 2. Roger Ebert surpasses Willard Scott As target of most fat person jokes. And the no. 1 running gag drum Roll please 1. When you can Only come up with nine items just ask Quot hey who a frying baloney a source an altogether new Book at top ten lists by David Lener Man  the late night with David Letterman enlers Bart Amsterdam Netherlands a its for you a Call of the  sunday november 3, 1991