European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 10, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Last laugh fish for solutions to explosive ecology problems Dave Barryte Miami Herald concerned you bet we arc concerned Here at the Bureau of fish and game acting weird. Our firs inkling of trouble was when Alert Reader John Wilkinson sent us this item from the Italy news Roundup in the european Quot Carmen Malavasi 54, was Riding her moped alongside a anal in Suzzara Milan when a huge Carp leaped out of the water and hit her in the face. She lost control of the moped and ran into a ear which crashed into a Lamppost. Both she and the ear Driver were taken to this is chilling news because until now the Carp has been considered a Friend to Man. There Are Many recorded instances wherein a swimmer was drowning and along came a Carp which realized what was happening and swam off to get help. Within seconds the Carp completely forgot its Mission we re talking about animals with the brainpower of cashews. But at least they never did any actual harm until this moped incident. You Are saying a yes but that was just one italian Carp probably acting on its own or at most with one or two perhaps you will change your tune when you read the following news item from the times of London sent in by several Alert readers concerning an incident in the town of Walthamstow England a a fish breeder watched in dismay As the Beautiful Koi Carp swimming gracefully in his Garden Pond began blowing up scattering multicoloured Scales All Over his the breeder suspects that the Carp were affected by a chemical in the ponch his wife is quoted As saying a it sounds crazy but they literally exploded leaving lumps of fish All around the your natural reaction is a what is this chemical and Why done to we put some in the . House of representatives swimming Pool a no your reaction is to realize that according to newtons theory of evolution the next logical development is Carp that can leap and explode. This is especially alarming in Light of the fact that Many hotels have decorative Carp Ponds in their lounge areas. Its Only a matter of time before a sales professional unwinding after a hard Day by trying to Grope the cocktail waitress is reduced to thousands of tiny professional shards by a Pond to air scud Carp. Granted he will have deserved it but innocent furniture could be damaged. As if that Isnit enough we also have this situation with the alcoholic marmots. We refer to a news report from the Fresno Bee written by Gene Rose and sent in by Many Alert readers headlined marmots getting High on coolant. The article states that the marmots which Are members of the ground Squirrel family that look kind of like Walter Cronkite have been gnawing through car Radiator hoses so they can drink the ethylene glycol coolant and get Snock Rcd. A the marmots have apparently become ethylene glycol junkies a a wildlife biologist is quoted As saying. Warning to Young people do not try this yourself. For one thing Radiator hoses arc very hard on your Teeth. Any police officer will Tell you there a no Point in trying to reason with drunk marmots. The Best Way to handle them in our opinion would be hire Gay Balfour of Cortez colo., who has invented a machine that sucks Prairie dogs out of the ground. We re not making this up either. Prairie dogs Are Little underground rodents that look kind of like Walter Cronkite and arc sometimes considered a hard to get rid of nuisance. So or. Balfour invented his vacuum machine which was the subject of a Denver Post article sent in by Many Alert readers featuring a photo of a Man sticking a fat Hose into the ground and vacuuming Prairie dogs into a huge yellow contraption. The article written by kit Miniclier states that this is a harmless procedure wherein the Prairie dogs a Marc literally sucked out of their Homes into a roaring 300 Mph wind Tunnel and deposited inside a truck with hundreds of their equally bewildered this procedure would definitely sober up the marmots. But the question we ask ourselves As ecologists and animal rights activists is would it also work on our son we re thinking about the problem of getting him up for school. This is very difficult because he is held Down by the strongest Force in Earth bed Gravity which renders him incapable of doing anything except shout a i am getting up Quot every five minutes. He can keep this up for hours. Vacuum Power could be the answer. Us Robert get up right now Robert i am get. Vacuum. . Milliseconds later our son travelling at 300 Mph and looking like Walter Cronkite would arrive at the breakfast table. that be great parents it would mean a brighter future for us All unless we Are killed by Carp. Pass the Radiator 24 a sunday november 10, 1991
