European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 26, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Joe Bob goes to the drive in Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate triathletes must be peddling off the deep end i was thinking i might go out for this new sport called you know How it works first you swim 37 Miles through icy shark infested water in nine foot Waves wearing one of those Mono buttock cd wetsuits normally seen Only in James Bond movies. This is just the warm up. After you be a rounded the buoy and landed Back on Shore you take off running jump on one of those 20-Specd italian bicycles with the wheels that look like dental floss and then you pedal 274 Miles through quaint villages in the Swiss Alps. All the time you re doing this you chug evian Yuster water out of a special a evian Yuster water Holder plastic device attached to your Bike. Then after you be cycled across the slopes of the Jungfrau you jump off the Bike and do a Little 59-mile sprint to the finish line. The first one to get out of surgery wins. Who started this where is he in t it time to scissor off this Guys Hamstrings before he carries some automatic weapons up into the Empire state building and starts hyper ventilating in a not kidding. All the Guys that do this sport look like Bruce darn. They have 70-year-old men doing this sport. You know what a 70-Ycar-old Bruce Dern looks like this is so far beyond Jock Dom we need a special word for it. Its not aerobics. Its not Cybernetics. Its not dianetics. How about psycho sports its the same principle As the Guys who lift weights for so Long that they look like they have Muscles on the outside of their skin. The ones that always look like somebody just painted Linguine with Tomato sauce on their stomachs. You see these Guys and you think a what if this is the Day he does one too Many Bench presses and the whole thing pops open like a water balloon a these psycho sports triple reverse triathlon Guys Are the same Way. They have these giant veins in their foreheads from pumping their arms and bugging out their eyes while wearing supercool California goggle shades. And when they fall Down on the ground at the end of the race grabbing their sides like maybe they re having 3,000 appendicitis attacks at once they re Happy. They re looking at one another like a mine hurls worse a Quot Well my feet Are bloody nyah nyah nyah Quot Quot so what i popped my shoulder out of its socket three times and lost All feeling in both thighs Quot and then after they be compared notes like this for a while they say Quot in t this fun in a not really that serious about it you know. I just do it to keep in Quot of yeah me too. Lose your purple myself i think ill just go watch some Cable. Speaking of people who need immediate brain scans the geniuses who wrote and directed body parts have made several boatloads of Money on the Mother and now they re Gonna make a lot More on the video release but first i have a question. Lemme make this Clear. I have nothing against Frankenstein stories. There be probably been 9,000 movies based on the Frankenstein idea and a lot of them have been better than Frankenstein. Like in the last two or three years we be had a lot of great brain transplant flicks like the brain and brain dead and Bride of re animator and so Here these Guys come along to make another movie about How its Kinda dangerous when you Start grafting one persons body onto another persons body to try to make a new person. And so its about How Jeff Fahey gets rear ended on the freeway by a sem Eye goes through the Windshield loses his Arm a but. Once he gets to the Hospital they give him a new Arm that once belonged to a mass murderer. By the end of the second reel he a doing stuff like slapping his kids around with the weird Arm and strangling his wife and punching out Guys in bars. My question is a an Arm Quot Gimmie a break. An Arm is this the Best you can do Jeff Fahey keeps saying to everybody. A who knows where evil resides Quot ill Tell you something Jeff it Don t reside in your Gold urn Arm i mean it s not a bad movie. Its just that after about an hour of medical Gross out scenes you re going a wait a minute is this the whole idea we re supposed to think his Arm made him do it a a brain transplant i can understand. I Hope there Arentt any serial killers awaiting trial who see this movie. Well have to sit through two solid years of expert testimony on whether the Guy killed nine people because of an old football injury to his Arm. By the Way Paramount released this flick the same week Jeffrey Dahmjr was arrested. They released it everywhere except Milwaukee because they thought it would be in a bad taste to release it there. So the same people who believe Quot his Arm made him do it also believe a we should t Lef this movie get too close to any serial killers who have already been arrested. Well Send it to the Bronx instead where they re still searching for the various serial of yeah one More thing. The mass murderer gave his right Arm to Fahey his left Arm to Brad Dourif and both his legs to another Guy. And the three of them decide to hang out in a bar together and discuss their various body parts. Please. I can accept almost anything. But i Don t think buy this one even in the 50-Ccnt movie houses in Karachi. Seven dead bodies. A 78 on the vomit meter. A Little Bolesaw work on a human neck. Leg ripping. Arm ripping. Domestic violence. Barroom Brawl. Shotgun blast to the head. One excellent freeway stunt with three crashes explosion body through the Windshield. Another motor vehicle Chase with crash and Burn. Arms Roll. Legs Roll. Head Rolls. Gratuitous basketball. Rung fun. Suture fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Fahey for saying Quot i now have a murderer s blood in my blood Quot Paul by Victor As a psychotic killer on death Row for saying Quot maybe you got some kind of Demon inside you these Days Lindsay Duncan As the evil or. Agatha Webb for saying a science like nature destroys to build Kim Delaney As the w Ife who does t want her husband s serial killer tendencies to affect the children for saying Quot Honey you have this Guys Arm you done to have his personality and Brad Dourif As the Painter who has a new career after getting an Arm transplant for saying. A just listen of what your arms saying to you two stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism All three drive ins in Cape town South Africa a the Goodwood the and the sky Vuc a Are having record years Ever since the end of apartheid. Wherever Freedom reigns the drive in rules. Steven d. South of Carrolton Texas recently Back from Africa reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in can bring about work peace in our lifetime. Dear Joe Bob i am writing to you from the Bay area wondering Why is it that none of these great movies you review Ever play around Here i mean i Check the movie listings in the local papers but never find any of these masterpieces Are these movies Ever released on Are these movies real or do you just make this stuff up. Kristina Foster City Calif. Dear Kristina in Texas we need movies about mutilation torture transvestites maniac psycho killers with foot fetishes and lipstick psychic Snake handlers. In the Bay area you can just go outside. Dear Joe Bob even Here in the Netherlands we have a drive in but its Only open during the summer and i have never been there myself since i Only own a Bike and no car. Still we get to see most of the drive in classics on video and in a really glad you made me aware of such masterpieces As death stalker and invasion 11.s. A., which i guess i never would rent out of my own free will. Thank you Joe Bob and keep up the ground breaking work. Jan Doc use Amsterdam Netherlands dear Jan somehow the thought of hundreds of Happy dutchmen and dutch women peddling to the drive in on their bicycles does t quite project a Leuling of Confidence m european Ditc is. To discuss tie meaning us Idu with Joe Bob or to got tree Unk in the mail and his world famous thu Aiu thu we in newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs. P o Box 2 102 Dallas in js221 Joe Bob s tax line is always open 2 t 4 Job 2110 file Jeff Fahey out on a limb in body ?6 1992 lib Jaf a
