European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 2, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Be our guest extra extra the canadians Are watching Daniel Scuka i ican. Guest columnist suspect that most readers of the stars and stripes have Felt comfortable knowing they were the Only ones Reading this paper. There is a definite feeling of Security Reading about other americans when you yourself Are Amer stripes tries to serve readers from All Over the states a hence it ends up trying to cover the whole spectrum of american life from the profound to the mundane. In these pages you will see the foibles and follies of your countrymen their Petty or not so Petty misdeeds even their sometimes shocking criminal tendencies especially the politicians. But these done to really cause embarrassment because you know they will stay a in the  its a Little like getting those photocopied form letters in Christmas cards from your aunt Bea who moved out West 12 years ago. A your Uncle Earnest has really stabilized since that unfortunate freeway shootout and he comes up for sentencing in february. And after three Long years your Cousin Abner has finished 10th Grade and he plans to hire on at the Button factory outside  surreptitiously you ensure that this form letter gets burned lest any of your respectable friends suspect that you Are related at All to Uncle Earnest or Cousin Abner. Well its the same with the stars and stripes. You scan the headlines each Day and read about How a a trash Masher kills woman or a thousands go hog wild at . Chit Lins  As an american and Damn proud of stare you not just a Little embarrassed by these silly asinine and tragically comic events that your fellow citizens get into so you Dis pose of your paper and think a thank god in a not related to anybody who does these things and a thank god no one else will find out what americans Are really  until now. I hate to be the one who tells you Guys but your paper Here in Europe is being read daily by thousands of non americans. All the time that you be been publishing we canadians have been Reading and watching. A  a you exclaim and leap out from your sunday morning reverie spilling Coffee All Over your Houseboat and the sunday stars and stripes supplement. A Honey those sneaky canadians have been peeking into our paper again a you cry out. Its too late. We canadians in Germany a Black Forest have been receiving your paper for years. We know everything. We know All about the a amp a fiasco Iran Contra and the Keating five. We know All about the wimp Factor and How it applies to Dan Quayle pork barrel politics and How it applies to the Dod budget and about the legendary $600 air Force Hammer. In Short we know at least As much about you As the russians would have even if Only half the bugs in the still unfinished . Embassy in Moscow had worked. From the military Side this intelligence coup has been enormous. Sitting comfortably Here in the Black Forest we have received All the hum int human intelligence that we could digest neatly packed in less than 50 pages Over 1,000 copies delivered daily. Even on sunday i can buy stripes at the canes Europe express Mart Here in Lahr by 11 . And like All great intelligence coups it has happened without you a the target a finding out. You see we canadians can read your English with very Little translation required. I recently heard a texan use a a conference As a verb but even this was deciphered in a matter of minutes this revelation begs the question a what do we canadians stationed in Germany actually think of you As depicted in stripes at first glance you do seem to have endemic problems. Violent crime is rampant a troopers kill speeding suspect not too Many people seem to have a Job taxes would seem to be up a read my lips a no new taxes and most major cities Are administered by Urban gangs. It also seems that most events of daily life a shopping freeway driving screening new movies or walking Down the Street a Are accompanied by gunfire. Hmm. Quite the place Here in Europe things Are Only slightly Calmer. A careful Reading of the letters to the editor Page would reveal no soldiers received any mail whatsoever during their trip to saudi and All commissary introducing to this new look sunday Magazine Parade Magazine s reports on Page 16, Linda Ellerbee s column on Page 17, Irillia Safire s words and Tony Kom Heiser a wit on Page 18 and Charles Kaufman a cartoon on Page 24. From the cover .4-6 Stan Lee s a comic Marvel. Andy Rooney .7 not excited with his name. Odds amp ends .8 Erma Bombeck checks out hot books. In tune.9 Lucci Everett leading a Scarlett Quot race. This weeks films.10-11 Chuck Vinch Quot Frt Jack Quot Worth 2 stars. Complete cafes circuit  listings 12-14 local Cable and satellite schedules. Home entertainment.15 Quot wild hearts can t be broken Quot on video. On Parade .16 what of Terry Anderson s women voices .17 Joe Bob Briggs hurries to see  words and wit.18 William Safire dissects Nixon s Toast. Books.19 Quot songs of my people Quot pictures Black America. Classified ads .20-23 last laugh .24 Dave Barry comes clean on laundry. Checkout lines Are two hours Long and yet another somebody or other has been spotted in the pm with his Blu trousers improperly tucked in. There Are also pos awaiting pickup in Bremerhaven since 1966.1 am especially curious As to Why so Many literary and Friendly people live in the Philippines. A fall right then or. Holier than thou a you Call out. A How about if you Tell us about Canadian culture As seen through your Canadian paper a whoops you kind of caught me there he the whole truth of the matter is were i to scan the headlines of a Canadian version of the stars and stripes probably called the daily Maple leafed be hard put to come up with anything truly flattering. Typical stories would be a record snowfall in smooth Rock Falls done to laugh its a real place or a Saskatchewan brewery worker Falls into vat a drowns while fighting off rescuers or even a Manitoba truck Driver dreams about eating giant chicle a wakes to find Pillow  yes our politicians Are just As crooked a sex provincial Premier on trial and pork barrel budgeting is just As rampant a Federal contracts awarded to friends of Cabinet minister. Why even some of our National heroes have abandoned us a Wayne Gretzky traded to l.a.�?�. I can actually Tell you what the letters to the editor Page would say since there is a local paper serving the two Canadian bases in Lahr and Baden so Iii Gen that prints such letters. You would quickly learn that there Are always lineups at the local branches of the Bank of Montreal a especially on payday that English speaking males have no fashion sense that be repairmen be is Deh in american never arrive at your married quarters to fix things when they say they will and that some army Corporal was seen in the mess Hall with his service tunic unbuttoned. Yeah life in Europe for the 10,000 or so canadians seems to be just As filled with the mundane and insignificant As it is for you Guys. Daniel Scuka is a Captain in the Canadian army stationed at Lahr Germany. Send in your column plus a photo of yourself to be our guest sunday Magazine the stars and stripes Apo 09211 or Postrach 11 14 37, d-6100 Darmstadt 11, Germany. \ i i \ i s when Nixon seized Mao swords. Page 18.sunday is a weekly supplement of the stars and stripes. Editor Bucky Fox Art direction Peter Jaeger production Kelly Quinn editorial assistance Marian Hamilton Louis Pierce Page 2 a sunday february 2, 1992