European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 2, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Voice Dahmer Gein not exactly new in age of killings Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in Gold urn it that Jeffrey Dahmer decided to plead guilty. That Means the trial will be Short and limited. Shoot. This Guy was the great Hope of to Movic producers everywhere. He was so disgusting he May have even made it to the big screen. By the Way before i get into this Why is it that All these Guys arc from Wisconsin americans original Cannibal monster Edgein a a a Handyman from Plainfield wis., used to dance around in the Moonlight wearing the skins of the women head carved up and dressed like Deer. He was the inspiration for psycho. The Texas Chainsaw massacre deranged and the silence of the lambs a so just when we Start to run out of Edgein material up pops this new Guy and he s from Wisconsin too. Somebody Check the cheese. Anyhow now that Jeffrey Dahmer has become the number one Man we love to hate everyone a starting to write these articles about serial killers products of the 20th Contr by. And you can hear people shaking their Heads especially old people saying a what is this world coming to these people Are out there multiplying. They re everywhere. They re hacking up bystanders left and right. What is this world coming to a Well i have an answer for the question everybody is always asking about a Why were there no serial killers before the 20th Century a because whenever anybody says that they re implying that something is wrong with a the modern mind or the american mental health Bull stuff. These Guys have always been around. The Only difference Between now and 100 years ago is that we used to catch pm after the first Gold urn murder. Now we just go bumbling around a Dum Dadum Dadum Dadum a like Elmer Fudd watching these Guys walk Down the Street saying a wow that a funny that a the 34th 18-year-old girl who a gone into that House this month. Must be some party there Arentt any More serial killers than there Ever were. Its just that we used to say Quot hey boy hold on you re talking like you just dropped a transmission. Come Over Here and lemme take a look at those three Inch bite Marks on your now we just say a i wish that Guy would move to speaking of the vampires who live among us Sundown is a Hick about How guilt Ridden vampires decide to try to overcome their addiction to human blood and so they move out to Utah and take Over an abandoned Copper mining town Call Purgatory. There a not much to do there so they mostly sit around the Gas station and the cafe wailing on David Carradine their Wise Vampire Leader to finish Maxwell Caulfield goes after Morgan Brittany in the latest Vampire flick Sundown. Building a synthetic blood Laboratory so they won t be tempted to eat passing motorists. Meanwhile there a a renegade army of terrorist vampires living in a Cave outside Iown loading wooden bullets into their guns so they can shoot their. Blood sucking enemies through the heart a get i because they want to get Back to Good old fashioned red meat and resent the hell out of Carradine a new Vampire eco system. Next this White bread family cruises into town in its station Wagon because the dad Jim Metzler is supposed to help his old College buddy. Maxwell Caulfield repair the malfunctioning blood factory a Only Maxwell Caulfield unbeknownst to limbo is now a Vampire and also once aardvark de with maxwells wife Morgan Brittany and so one of Jimboy a two girls might actually be maxwells girl which is a problem but not nearly As big a problem As the fact that m. Emmet Walsh is a hillbilly Vampire who smells bad and never shaves and he a roaming around town going through withdrawal hacking the Heads off tourists whenever he gets thirsty. So what do we have Here Way too much plot getting in the Way of the Story this is one of those great horror comedy ideas that get so gummed up by about 94 different subplots that after awhile you done to care who lives and Dies. Still a 12-step recovery program led by vampires is not a concept any of us can pass up. Fifty seven dead bodies. No breasts. One fistfight. Attempted fruit Bat rape. Explosion with fireball. Umbrella through the heart and it still opens. Head Rolls. Sunblock fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for met Jer for effectively delivering lines like a Gwendolyn Stop terrorizing your sister a Walsh As a truly disgusting hillbilly Vampire for saying a Only got two choices a kill Mem or convert Mem Quot Deborah Foreman As the Vampire waitress for saying a you done to understand a times Are changing the great Bruce Campbell As von hels ing the goofy Vampire Hunter for saying a once a bloodsucker always a bloodsucker the great character actor George a a Bucko Flower As a defiant rebel hillbilly Vampire for saying a this is no life for a Vampire a Helena Carroll a teen Ager who gets arrested and wakes up As a Vampire for saying a what am i Gonna Tell my Mother a John Ireland As the rebel Vampire Leader for saying a we Are special a we Are Hunters a we kill and Carradine As the kind hearted Vampire Leader for saying Quot we must learn to three stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over Baghdad the famous Kuwait City drive ins Are being rebuilt after the devastation of War. Kuwait is the Only country in the world where there Are air conditioners mounted on each speaker Pedestal. You insert the Flat end of a flexible Hose into your car Roll up the window to hold it in place and enjoy the movie in Cool Comfort. Is this a country Worth saving or what ? Gregor Hartmann of Brooklyn reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will preserve peace in the universe. Dear Joe Bob is it True that you Are the illegitimate love child of Oral Roberts and Carol Doda Chris Grayson Healdsburg Calif. Dear Chris yes. The scientists were trying for some kind of Quot Genius Gene that Only happens when you get wildly differing genetic makeups. Unfortunately i got carols body and Oral a brains. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of ire with Joe Bob. Or to get tree Unk in the mail and Joe Bob s world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs p o Box 2002. Dallas. To 75221 Joe Bob s tax line is always open 214 368 2310america speeds into an ugly age of darkness Linda i i11 rib e the flight from Angeles to new York was no longer than usual and no Shorter either. Maybe the Man was bored. Or drunk. Or maybe it was something else. He was sitting behind me. Using the Telephone that allows you for a not inconsiderable sum of Money to talk to people on the ground from 30,000 feet in the air. He must have made six or seven Calls asking each person he called the same thing. A Quot what is the Speed of dark a the whole time i kept thinking about the argument id had that morning with a Friend in eos Angeles. It Wasny to an important fight Only a serious one. We were arguing about democrats. My Friend had expressed a preference for one of that party a candidates and id said i did no to care for him because his answer to reclaiming voters lost Over the past 12 years to Ronald Reagan and George Bush was to become More like them himself. I named another Democrat one i like better. My Friend said no that one seemed much too angry for her. That much anger bothered her made her uncomfortable she said. Good i said. Quot of you mean the yes that too. And still there a bigger mess. In Tarrytown n.y., at the Fordham University Institute for innovation in social policy a Man named Marc Miringoff has spent the past 20 years tracking 17 separate social problems for something called the Index of social health. It says More about the soul of America than economic indicators Ever will and what it says Isnit pretty. Child abuse has increased every year for 20 years. The number of children living in poverty is up 2b percent since 1970. One in seven american children is on welfare yet the buying Power for those on welfare has declined 43 percent since 1970. Teen suicide has almost doubled in that time. The Gap Between Rich and poor has widened by 59 percent. The percentage of people without health insurance has risen to 16 percent from 10 percent and people Over 65 Are spending More of their own Money than Ever on doctor Bills. Other areas that have gotten worse Are drug abuse poverty among Heads of households the per can tags of unemployed not receiving jobless pay Highway deaths due to alcoholism and the portion of those below the poverty line not receiving food Stamps. Miringoff did no to make up the figures for his Index. They came from the government which keeps records in each area but does not put them together into any kind of overview. Easy to see Why. Yes i favor the angry candidate because i believe with All my heart that we should be angry a terribly terribly angry at what has become of us. As a nation we Are in danger of losing our soul. We Are not taking care of our own and we Don t seem particularly bothered by that. We be become cynical. We re disillusioned. Trouble is disillusionment can a and will a destroy us just As effectively As bombs or the crash of a Stock Market. What is the Speed of dark i want to Tell the Man sitting behind me on the air plane that i done to know the answer but in a fairly sure of one thing. We arc travelling at that Speed this very minute kit avg Fri Durtt february 2 1992 gig a Page 11
