European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 2, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Las laugh \ to a Page 24trying to make a clean break from laundry impaired i have Here a letter from Alison Schuler of Albuquerque . Motto a the City that is probably spelled wrong. Schuler is concerned about the Issue of How Guys do laundry. She relates the following anecdote a my husband announced one morning that he had discovered the previous night on the eve of a two Day business trip that he was out of underwear. Why he told me i do not know. I never Tell him when i m out of , he decided to remedy the situation in True Guy fashion by washing exactly three sets of underwear thus disregarding the bulging hamper full of the rest of his underwear which presumably would Wash itself during his  Schuler s letter serves to remind us of the importance of not engaging in sexist stereotyping. We must never make such Blanket gender based statements As a men always hog the  just because Schuler a husband does no to do the laundry that does no to mean there Arentt millions upon millions of males who do do the laundry then hang it out to dry under the three suns of the planet Soomar where they live. Most males Here on Earth do not do any More laundry that they absolutely have to. A single sock Load would not be out of the question for a Guy. A Guy might Well choose to Wash Only the really dirty part of the sock. At first glance this behaviour might seem to be reprehensible but in fact there a a simple logical explanation for it men Are worthless scum. No seriously the explanation is that Many men Are afraid to do laundry especially laundry be. Longing to people of other genders because they the males might get into big trouble. I know i would. In our household we have a lot of sensitive garments with laundering instruction tags full of strict instructions like do not machine Wash. Do not use bleach. Do not use hot water. Do not use warm water. Do not use any water. Do not touch this garment without surgical gloves. Put this garment Down immediately you Clumsy oaf. In a intimidated by these instructions. I developed my laundering skills in College where i used what laundry scientists Call the pile system wherein you put your dirty undo shorts on the floor until they form a Waist High pile thus subjecting the Bottom shorts to intense heat and pressure that causes them to become Over several months clean enough to Wear if you Are desperate and Spray them with right guard. As a married person i use the hamper system which is similar to the pile system except that the clothes really do get clean thanks to magical hamper rays. No i of course realize that hamper sized clothes Are cleaned by a person such As my wife Beth or Alison Schuler of Albuquerque. But i also know that Beth follows a Complex procedure involving sorting and pre soaking and 27 different combinations of water temperatures and chemical compounds such As fabric softener stain remover fabric hardener Cream rinse plutonium Etc. Beth  let me do her laundry unless i underwent years of training because she assumes id screw it up and cause our garments to shrink Down to cute Little tinkerbell clothes or trans materialize in the dryer similar to what happened to that unfortunate Man in the movie the Fly so wed wind up with for example a brassiere that had Pant legs. Beth a reluctance to let me near the laundry is typical of the vast majority of american women according to a nationwide Survey of several other women i know. A typical reaction came from my research department Judi Smith who gave the following statement regarding her husband Tim a . College professor Quot i done to Trust him to do my laundry at All unless in be sorted it first and Given him strict instructions before each and every Load because otherwise everything we own would be mauve or Gray. He puts his clothes away Damp. He can to put away anyone cd Sci a clothes because he can to fold. I mean the Man can to fold a Towel for gods Sake. Somehow he can to get the Corners to match up. A hand Towel  j i repeated Judi a statement to Beth who omitted the bitter humourless laugh of a woman who has More than once watched her husband turn a Basic shirt into a prize winning origami project. In a not defending men Here. In a just saying that a lot of us View ourselves As laundry impaired and Well probably continue to do so As Long As women Roll their eyes and shove us away from the washing machine when we re about to for example Wash our delicate Silks in the same Load As our boat cover. So in a saying to women teach us to launder. We Are willing to learn really just As soon As the playoffs Are Over. Give us a Chance to show what we Are capable of. And definitely buy Stock in whatever company makes right guard. The Miami Herald . Military life in Europe i a outdo ii Ifju dts pc. To =wv4\ d4v off Fez to sunday february 2, 1992