European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - March 8, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Sidelights Gorbachev a might turns to write so now what by Mike Kelley Austin Texas american statesman dear former president of the former Union of soviet formerly socialist republics Mikhail Gorbachev so How you been a lot of us Over Here have been wondering what you were doing to keep Busy after Well you know. Now i see that you Are going to be a newspaper columnist. Way to go. I want you to know that i done to consider myself a Hotshot at this column zing business but i have been a doing it for a few years. So now that you re a member of the columnist Community i thought i could offer hints that you May find useful. For one thing you already have a leg up on the rest of us. Most people consider newspaper columnists to be at Best fellow travellers but probably communists. But you i mean you re Well positioned for when an irate Reader writes in and says a what Are you Man you some kind of commie a a you can fire right Back a of course in a a commie did you think i was from Oklahoma jughead a you also have an unusual situation in that you re going to write your column for the italian newspaper la Stampa which in turn has an agreement with the new York times to Syndicate it outside of Europe. This Means that your column will be written in russian and translated into italian and then into English. Minefield buddy. I strongly urge you to establish a solid personal relationship with whoever will be doing All this translating. The editing process is forever fraught with peril even if everyone Speaks the same language. There a just one Little keystrokes difference Between Mikhail Gorbachev alter the fall. A the president said he is now certain of his goals and a the president said he is not certain of his you do not want to write a an integrated Commonwealth military Chain of command is essential to stability Quot and have it come out Over Here a Swine buns Grill quickly if immersed in the bad for credibility see possibly the Dic Iest part of this Endeavor Mikhail is coming up with an idea for your next column. For example if you had already been doing this for a while and you heard that somebody a i Peng say a was going to Start writing a newspaper column you could write a column offering helpful hints. That a Way in the future. But listen you were on the inside for a Long time. You re sitting on a Gold mine of Kremlin gossip Bud. For example we get rumours Over Here that the likes to have More than a few belts now and again. Have you Ever seen him get up to the Gills and maybe swing a Monkey around his head by the Tail or anything people would cat that stuff up. Save the High statecraft for the Book. More Bucks there anyway. A Small trick there will come a time when you be said everything in a particular column that you have to say but you la still be a few lines Short. Familiar quotations Misha. Trust me. Just flip it open to any Page. Here a a quickie from Santayana a fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your and then you just add a How True How True a and you re in there. And this you re not going to believe. You can get your readers to write your column for you. Yes have contests. They re popular and they will get you out of the office in time for those Balalaika lessons. Done to let your Pride get in the Way Here. Ask people to write a How even i could have done a better Job than Mikhail Gorbachev Quot or Quot what i would do if i had two if i were you id stay away from humor. It is a mechanism with a built in backfire and it can easily go off while you re polishing it. There is though a rather amusing talc regarding a Bridge tender and a certain mule. Ill Send you a copy. And other than that Well of i guess id just have to say that a. Id leave you with the words of la Rouchl Foucault a your repentance is not so much regret for the ill we have done As fear of the ill that May happen to us in How True How True. In Solidarity your buddy you want my opinion polls done to have the answer Andy Rooney a Atai there a always a polling organization taking the pulse of the american people. In a suspicious of polls and done to like them even when they re right because i done to like being presented with the evidence that we re All so predictable and that in a so average. The people who take polls pretend they think we re smart even though they know we Arentt very smart. For instance ask a do you think president Bush a economic policies Are 1 a Good 2 a fair 3 a poor Well i mean How the hell do i know in be heard the president talk about the Economy on television but i watched him More than i listened and in a not sure what he a for and what he a against. Even if i were sure i know whether it was Good or bad. In a lost when they Start talking about the Federal Reserve prime rates and the possibility that the Bond Market will be Hurt or helped by something. I done to care whether the prime rate goes up or Down because i have no idea whether i la have More or less year from now because of it. The word a a Economy bores me. I do what i know How to do for a salary. I spend some of the Money and i save some of it. That a the end of what i know about Economy. What i know about the Economy is even less. So what Are the poll takers getting at when they ask people like me for an opinion not much that Means anything. And 91.8 percent of the people they poll done to know any More about the Economy than i do. A do you approve of the Way president Bush is handling our foreign affairs 1 a yes 2 no 3 a maybe How would i answer that if a poll taker asked me which one never has id have to say a gee i Dunno a or perhaps a beats or i might even say a i charge for my opinion. How much do you poll takers pay a the poll takers Are Selling the information that people give them so maybe the people ought to be paid for their opinions. I certainly give poll takers any intelligent answer that would enable them to put me Down As a statistic in favor of or opposing Bush s handling of foreign affairs because i done to know How he a handling our foreign affairs. I can to even Point to Croatia on a map. You can carry democracy too far. Voters be expected to have an informed opinion on subjects so complicated As the Economy or foreign affairs. That a Why a democracy has experts. They ought to poll foreign affairs experts not Ordinary people. If a poll found that 911 out of 1,200 economists polled thought Bush were doing a Good Job with the Economy id buy that. I done to believe a poll of Ordinary citizens Means much. It la change tomorrow next week next year. I saw one poll asking citizens about Bush s Overall approval rating and the poll had a Small note of explanation about How it was taken. It said a the margin of sampling error was plus or minus 0. come on you poll takers done to try to con us. We know your game. By admitting your poll might be a Little off you re trying to sound honest but then you give us some ridiculously Small possibility of error. How do you come up with �?o0.11�?� As a Quot margin of sampling error what margin of error is there in your estimate that your margin of error is 0.11? polls involving ideas like the Economy done to prove much because our allegiance is to the person not to the persons ideas. We either like George Bush or we done to. Done task us if we approve of How he a handling our foreign affairs. We re More interested in the affairs of the candidates. Tribune Modia services Andy Rooney is a torpor stars and stripes reporter % _ _ _ _ _ _ March 8. 1992 sunday a Page
