European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - March 8, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                If you re calling for a Date make it Long distance Dave Barry As a mature adult i feel an obligation to help the younger generation just As the Mother fish guards her unmatched eggs keeping her lonely Vigil Day after Day never leaving her Post not even to go to the bathroom until her tiny babies emerge and she is Able at last to eat them. Quot she May be your mom but she a still a fish a is a Wisdom Nugget that i would pass along to any fish eggs Reading this column. But today i want to talk about dating. This subject was raised in a letter to me from a Young person named Eric Knott who writes a i have a big problem. There a this girl in my English class who is really Good looking. However i done to think she knows i exist. I want to ask her but but in a afraid she will say a no a and i will be the Freak of the week. What should i do a Eric you have sent your question to the right mature adult because As a Young person i spent a lot of time thinking about this very problem. Starting in about eighth Grade my time was divided As follows academic pursuits 2 percent. Zits 16 percent. Trying to figure out How to ask girls out 82 percent. The most sensible Way to ask a girl out is to walk directly up to her on foot and say a a so you want to go out or what a i never did this. I knew As Eric Knott knows that there was always the possibility that the girl would say no thereby leaving me with no visible option but to leave Harold c. Crittenden Junior High school forever and go into the Woods and become a bark eating Hermit whose Only companions would be the gentle and understanding Woodland creatures. Quot hey zit face a the Woodland creatures would shriek in cute Little Chip a no Dale voices while raining acorns on my head. A you Wanna Date  so the first Rule of dating is never risk direct Contact with the girl in question. Your role Model should be a nuclear submarine gliding silently beneath the Ocean surface tracking an enemy target that does not even begin to suspect that the submarine would like to Date it. I spent the vast majority of 1960 keeping a girl named Judy under surveillance maintaining a minimum distance of 50 lockers to avoid the danger that i might somehow get into a conversation with her which could have led to disaster Judy i. Me i. Judy just in Case you have Ever thought about having a Date with me the answer is no. Woodland creatures Hama Tahaha. The Only problem with the nuclear submarine technique is that its difficult to get a Date with a girl who has never technically been asked. This is Why you need Phil Grant. Phil was a Friend of mine who had the ability to talk to girls. It was a mysterious superhuman Power he had comparable to a Ray vision. After several thousand hours of intense discussion and planning with me Phil approached a girl  knew named Nancy who approached a girl named Sandy who was a direct personal Friend of Judy a and who passed the word Back to Phil via Nancy that Judy would be willing to go on a Date with me. This procedure protected me from direct humiliation similar to the Way president Reagan was protected from direct involvement in the Iran Contra scandal by a Complex White House Chain of command that at one Point investigators now believe included his horse. Thus it was that finally Judy and i went on an actual Date to see a movie in White Plains . If i were to sum up the romantic ambience of this Date in four words those words would be Quot my Mother was  this made for an extremely quiet drive because my Mother realizing that her presence was hideously embarrassing had to pretend she Wasny to there. If it had been Legal i think she would have gotten out and sprinted alongside the car steering through the window. Judy and i sitting in the Back seat about 75 feet apart were also silent unable to communicate without the assistance of Phil Nancy and Sandy. After what seemed like several years we got to the a amps Sharon Kilday Tarrant movie theater where my Mother went off to sit in the parents and lepers Section. The movie was called North to Alaska but i can Tell you nothing else about it because i spent the whole time wondering whether it would be necessary to amputate my right Arm which was not getting any blood flow As a result of being perched for two hours like a petrified Snake on the Back of Judy a seat exactly one molecule away from physical Contact. So it was definitely a fun first Date featuring All the relaxed spontaneity of a real estate closing and in later years i did regain some feeling in my Arm. My Point Eric Knott is that the key to successful dating is self Confidence. I bet that Good looking girl in your English class would love to go out with you but you have to make the first move. So just do it pick up that phone Call Phil Grant. The Miami Herald . Military life in Europe of Raes few f �?2 at the Clu amp of Pic of disc to few Voitk if separation of a of r choose Mumm Izev Page 24 a sunday March 8, 1992