European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 10, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Words amp wit Awakening to errors that pop up a expectantly James j. Kilpatrick i stuff. The Wriler Sart n his ars poetic Horace expressed his indignation a qua Ndonue Bonus Dormitt Home Rush a that even dear old Homer sometimes nods. The same kind of somnolence affects a great Many writers. They fall asleep Over their own nothing else could explain a line from  Buchanan last year. He was then a columnist not yet a politician he remarked that anti communism Quot was the great solvent that held together Ronald Reagan a  its hard to identify the word that  was reaching for. Adhesive glue Stuckum Library paste he just briefly nodded that Sall. In Chicago last november a Small company ran a dignified Little and bordered in turned rules announcing that it would be closed in memory of its president. He had Quot died  perhaps its the Best Way to go though Christian theology promises something else. Someone on the sports desk of the Birmingham Ala Post Herald was browsing in March a former Dallas cowboys president and general manager Tex Schramm underwent quintuple bypass surgery  the sequence goes double triple quadruple quintuple sex Tuple sep Tuple oct uple ninefold. In Swoyersville pa., a couple of months ago police arrested a woman for driving under the influence of alcohol. The citizens voice of Wilkes Baire reported that she was observed Quot driving in an erotic  surely the reporter knows the significant difference Between erratic and erotic though in May Reud we should not discuss it Here. One of the most persistent offences against the stay awake Rule has to do with the confusion Between ancestors and descendants. You  think this would cause trouble but it does. In february Knight Ridder moved a Nice feature Story on or. Samuel a. Mudd who treated John Wilkes Booth in april 1865 As Booth was fleeing after he assassinated Lincoln. Months later Mudd was convicted of complicity in the crime. The reporter had it right now 127 years later Muddy a grandson Hopes to Clear Quot his ancestors  lamentably a copy editor for the Indianapolis Star put a baffling headline on the Story a the doctor who treated John Wilkes Booth was punished unfairly say his  its not easy for a grandson to be his grandfathers ancestor. In fort Myers fla., a feature writer for the sunday news press turned in a Good piece on Lee county a emergency medical service. Ten years ago the paramedics serving an ambulance had to Call ahead to get permission to perform fairly simple procedures. Things Are different now. Quot today they provide advanced life support including very evasive  those procedures Arentt evasive for heavens Sake they re invasive. Is there such thing As a Quot slow plunge there was in san Antonio in March where the express news carried an interesting headline Quot woman tells of slow plunge into  i would argue that no one can plunge slowly. Somewhere in this pile of clippings is a headline saying that the Stock Market plummets up. No Way. To avoid accidents on clogged highways said a state police spokesman in Florida a motorists should give themselves More time to get to their  that Wasny to really what he said. He said a destinations Quot but a nodding Homer in Vero Beach got it wrong. Pat Buchanan has trouble solving Reagan a solvent. Stay awake we must stay awake. The Buffalo sabres in february were in Edmonton where they practice on an ice rink in a Mammoth shopping mall. The news reported that a a few Hundred shoppers dozens of exotic fish and a bloomed Peacock looked  was the Peacock plumed seems More Likely. Thinking of fowl mistakes last september the Arizona senior world carried a travel feature on los cabos a resort area at the tip of the Baja Peninsula. The writer regaled his readers with the delights of san Jose Del Cabo where a posh hotel has a swim up bar and the Beach has a booming surf. A san Jose a the writer continued a also is the Home of an actuary that attracts Bird watchers from All parts of the  actuary Well actually that san aviary. The writer just let his mind wander from the Page. So did Homer Long ago. Its a feeble defense but sometimes its the Only defense we have. I resorted to the Horatias defense last month when i wrote a a loathe when i meant  just nodded off that Sall. Show me the Way to go Homer. Universal press  a simple Cut this Lawn needs surgery Tony Kornheiser i definitely have to mow my Lawn today. I can to put it off any longer. The moment of truth came thursday when i dispatched my 9-year-old into the backyard to retrieve a a Riffle Ball and she disappeared up to her neck. Even if my Lawn did no to need mowing today id have to do it anyway because of Fred the obsessive compulsive who lives up the Block. Like the Robin that signals the Start of Spring 01 Fred firing up that Black amp Decker officially proclaims the opening of Lawn season. He was out there yesterday morning at 8, in his Blue walking shorts and Black socks his legs As Pale As Chalk clipping and bagging and mulching and edging like the Lawn doctor from hell. Fred a Lawn is so neat so perfectly manicured it makes you want to soak it in gasoline and Light it up like Kuwait. Once Fred cuts his Lawn everybody else has to Cut their lawns or face the shame Factor. Because when Fred is done he and his noisy wife Janice take a satisfied stroll around the Block and As they pass my House a with my Lawn sprouting up like Don Kings hair a  shake their Heads and mutter a what a shame the Jacksons moved  so everyone cuts and mulches and clips and the noise from the Power mowers on a sunday morning sounds like an invasion of killer bees. And you see the men out there in their ratty sleeveless undershirts and the women in their Orvis Catalon gardening gloves and surgical masks like they be scrubbed up in a a a so unit. You smell so much Gas in the air you May As Well be living on the Exxon Valdez. Then it escalates when some Yuppie hires a landscaper and suddenly its not Good enough to grow regular grass. You have to get Zoysia or fescue or pampas grass and modulate the pm Factor and the soil temperature. Until it finally dawns on you you done to have a Lawn anymore what you have is 80 Square feet of tropical fish. God i hate Lawn care. Heaven help you if your Lawn Mower Breaks Down. You re dead meat. You might As Well file for chapter 11. Because the Only Mower you can buy is a John Deere Riding Mower for $72,000. In Mas eco conscious As the next Guy but ill be damned if in a going to take out a mortgage on a Lawn Mower. My backyard is the size of a Large cake Box. What a the Point of me buying a Riding Mower i can t even make a a Tum in my Yard without knocking Over the swing set. Ultimately ill do As All Middle aged men do hire a Gardener who used to be a heart surgeon in Guatemala until he realized the big Money Here was in cutting grass. Man about town Chip Muldoon did t mow his Lawn for months at a time which infuriated his neighbors. It got so overgrown with chickweed and dandelions it looked like the putting Green at the Bates Motel. One afternoon Chip was visited by the Lawn vigilantes two muscular men with the new Issue of better Homes amp gardens rolled up in their Back pockets who suggested Chip might want to bring his Lawn in line with Community standards a or else. Chip was shocked. A for else Quot he asked disrespectfully. The next morning Chip found the head of a Poulan Weed eater on his Pillow. That afternoon he hired the guatemalan heart surgeon. Its a Point of Pride with me that i Cut my own Lawn. Well its a Point of Pride that i Cut my Back Lawn. I no longer have a front Lawn. After years of Flushing Money Down the toilet by falling for the chemical company a Promise of a thicker Greener Lawn a and invariably getting the same old Brown Patch of dirt i just wanted something Green id have settled for Frozen spinach a i ripped out the front Lawn completely and brought in a landscape architect. His name was Pietro. He told me to think of my front Yard As Quot an ecological Canvas a and it was his task to a balance the horticultural  he handed me his card. It listed All the great universities of Europe where he studied. I said a Pietro in a just looking for a few Green plants not someone who a going to give the commencement address at the Rio Earth  he promised to turn my front Yard into a an agronomic  then he said something in european that roughly translates into a make sure its a Cashiers  in a thinking of going Back to grass in the front and getting one of those new organically Correct self propelled mowers. Its called a Goat. Creators Syndicate Page 24 a sunday May 10, 1992