European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 15, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh these dog filled mornings Are always alarming Dave Barry the Man was standing right outside our master bathroom. He  see Beth and me standing in the hallway but we could see him clearly. His face was covered with a stocking mask which distorted his features hideously. He was dressed in Black and he had a Black plastic bag in his Back pocket. He was using a screwdriver to open our sliding Glass door. You always wonder what you re going to do in a situation like this. Run fight wet your pants in a not experienced with violence. The last fight i had was in eighth Grade when i took on John sniff in after school because he let the air out of my Bike tires. Actually i did no to know he did this but he was the kind of kid who would have and All the other suspects were a lot larger than i was. The Man outside our House was also larger than i am. He jerked the screwdriver sideways and opened the door. Just like that he was inside our House maybe six feet from where Beth and i were standing. Then he saw us. For a moment nobody spoke. A Cut a yelled the director. A Way to go Ozzie a i said to the stocking masked Man. A looking Good looking criminal a a a in a wondering if his bag is too dark to show up a said Beth. Everybody wants to be a director. Anyway Ozzie Wasny to a real burglar. He was part of a production Crew that was using our House to shoot a promotional video for the company that installed our burglar alarm. Here in South Florida its Standard procedure to have burglar alarms in your House your car your workplace and if you be had expensive dental work your Mouth. I like having an alarm in our House because it gives me the Security that comes from knowing that trained Security personnel will respond instantly whenever i trigger a false alarm. I do this every Day at 6 a.m., when i get up to let out our Large main dog Earnest and our Small emergency backup dog Zippy. In a always in a big hurry because Zippy being about the size of a hairy Lima bean although less intelligent has a very fast digestive Cycle and i need to get him right outside. So i fall out of bed barely conscious and stagger to the Back door where both dogs Are waiting and i open the door and . I realize that i have failed to disarm the alarm system. Now i have a problem. Because within seconds the voice of the cheerful lady at the alarm company is going to come out of the alarm control panel asking me to identify myself and unless i give her the secret password she a going to cheerfully notify the police. So i stagger quickly Over to the panel. But this leaves Earnest and Zippy alone out on the Patio. Theoretically they can get from the Patio to our Back Yard All by themselves. They used to be prevented from doing this by a screen enclosure around the Patio but thanks to Hurricane Andrew most of this enclosure is orbiting the Earth. The Hurricane did not blow away the screen door however. Its still standing there and the dogs firmly believe that its the Only Way out. So a i swear in a not making this up a instead of going two feet to the left or right where there a nothing to prevent them from simply wandering out into the Yard they Trot directly to the door Stop then turn around to look at me with a look that says a Well a a go outside a i yell As i lunge toward the alarm control panel. A a there a no screen anymore you morons a a i beg your Pardon a says the cheerful alarm lady because this is not the secret password. A bark a says Earnest who is trotting Back toward the House in Case i am telling her its time to cat. A Grunt a says Zippy As his internal digestive timer reaches Zero and he detonates on the Patio. We do this almost every morning. We re very dependable. If some morning i didst trigger a false alarm i think the cheerful alarm lady would notify the police. Quot you a better Check the Barry residence a shed say. A apparently something has happened to or. Barry. Or else he a strangling one of his  so the alarm people have been very Nice to us which is Why we let them use our House for the video. It had a great action ending wherein Ozzie runs out our front door and an armed Security Man drives up screeches to a halt leaps out puts his hand on his gun and yells a freeze a this is Ozzie a Cue to freeze and look concerned inside his stocking. They shot this scene several times so there was a lot of commotion in our Yard. The Point is that our House is Well protected. The alarm system is there in Case we Ever need it which i doubt we will because a thanks to Zippy a Only a fool would try to Cross our Patio on foot. The Miami  a military life in Europe by Charles Kaufman 11 Yei 4u0 a <5r�r 1o get i Gwi top Fri a Ces 1 cap6, tracks a it a  Ryst to that a 2 Sura sgt j amp it it i 0 smut of duh a.iarm7 Hartoo my do it j i to amp of page28 a sunday november 15, 1992